I (F) have a complicated relationship with my mother-in-law. From the beginning she didn’t like me when I joined the family. She told my brother-in-law that I was only with my husband because he is successful and rich, that I don’t genuinely love him, and that our marriage wouldn’t last. About a year later she suddenly changed her tone and started saying I’m a good daughter-in-law and “like the daughter she finally has,” but she still makes negative comments about me behind my back instead of saying anything directly to me.
Some background: my in-laws are separated but not divorced. MIL lives alone. My husband, my brother-in-law, and I live with my father-in-law. For a while I thought MIL and I were getting closer. We hung out a few times and I opened up to her about small frustrations regarding my husband/BIL/FIL. She seemed supportive and gave advice. Later I found out she repeated those private conversations to them and questioned why I said those things. She tends to retell stories in a very twisted way. Even my husband doesn’t fully trust her versions of events because they’re often inaccurate.
After that, I kept some distance but stayed polite.
Recently something happened that hurt me more. During a video call, I mentioned being worried about my father’s health and possible medical bills. I did NOT ask her for money and I did not cry or beg for help. She was the one who said, “It’s okay, we will help you,” and I just replied, “Thank you, I appreciate your concern.”
Later she told my brother-in-law that I cried and asked her for money, and that I’m financially “latching” onto my husband and BIL and should be an independent woman. That really upset me because it’s not true. I work as an admin executive at my husband’s company and support myself. I never asked her for financial help.
After hearing this, I felt betrayed and decided to stop answering her calls and texts for now. My husband has also reduced contact and keeps things very surface-level. MIL is now telling people we’re avoiding her because her niece “poisoned” us against her, which is not true. My husband, BIL, and I discussed everything and decided we will only address this in a face-to-face group meeting so nothing gets twisted again. I’m not comfortable speaking to her alone right now.
She recently messaged saying she is deeply hurt that we’re avoiding her and that she doesn’t know what she did wrong.
AITA for not responding to her calls/messages for now and wanting to only discuss this in person with witnesses present? Am I overreacting for being angry and disappointed?
NTA. She lied to make you look bad, again. I wouldn’t talk to her either.
You’re NTA
>She recently messaged saying she is deeply hurt that we’re avoiding her and that she doesn’t know what she did wrong.
*Sorry you feel that way, but I’ve learned that saying nothing to you is my only option. It prevents me from having you twist what I say, or outright lie about what I have said when you’re gossiping about me.*
NTA
The only correct answer is… “Talk to your son.”
She is his mother and it is up to him to handle her.
NTA she lied about you
How did her niece come into this? She was only mentioned once.
NTA
This would be a permanent full no contact. She’s manipulative and weaponizing your personal sensitive discussions as a narcassist
NTA. Mute her messages until you have the face to face meeting with all four parties, and during that meeting you can explain that due to the decision to only talk face to face in a group you turned her notifications off.
After the meeting when she messages you make a group chat that includes her, you, and your husband. If she calls or tries to face time only pick up if you have the free time, and if you live in a one-party consent state you can record all phone calls with her, and the next time she lies about you you can clip that part of the call and correct the record.
if you live in a two party consent state you can ask her if you have her permission to record the call so nothing can be misrepresented again. she will probably get offended and hang up (win) and think twice about calling you again. When she complains to other people about you wanting to record her simply state “MIL has misrepresented conversations in the past, I’m simply trying to prevent any future confusion.” Everyone who she will complain to will have their own history of her spinning tales to create drama, so even if they don’t outright agree they will understand the situation.
She is twisting things that you say, possibly to make you look bad, but more likely to make her look good or to make people sympathetic or supportive of her. Limit what you say to her, talking about the weather is fair game, but really nothing of any significance at all. People like her twist anything and everything to boost themselves. Ignore her, she adds nothing positive to your life.
NTA. But she says she doesn’t know what she did wrong, so print out this post (and responses) and mail it to her.
Just forget about or thinking you are getting close to in laws , you just can’t trust them, you learn to keep your business to your self