Hi reddit,
I’m really confused about something that happened a few months ago, and would like to see some different perspectives, especially from people with a different culture than me.
I (18f) went to South Africa a little while ago, to volunteer for a organisation. I got a supervisor, let’s call her G. I’m Dutch, and not really familiar with South African culture, so me and G agreed that I could ask her any questions, since she was very familiar with the culture.
A big part of the work I did happened in a building where there was an amazing kitchen team. They were all South African ladies who cooked more than 300 meals a day for the kids. Sometimes, they would also cook for the team, and me and my supervisors would get a plate aswell.
I’m not a big eater, I’ve had an eating disorder in the past, so I’m not used to very large portions. The ladies would give me enourmous portions every time. I would thank them, complement the food and finish my plate without saying anything about the portion, but while eating, I would be heavily struggeling to the point where I would feel sick after every meal. My supervisor knew I wasn’t a big eater, since she sometimes joked about it.
After a few very big meals, I decided this wasn’t going to work, since I was feeling terible after eating each time. (the meals were really good tho) So I decided to ask G in private about wether or not it would be rude to ask for a smaller portion next time. She told me that giving large meals was part of honor culture in South Africa, and that this was a way of the women to be nice and take care of me. She also said that as a solution, I don’t need to finish my plate. Just accept it, and after I’m full, throw the rest out.
I listened to her, and I thought that was it. But later, during a review about my behavior, she told me she thought it was very rude I asked her about wether or not it would be rude to ask the kitchen ladies for a smaller portion. She didn’t explain it any further, and it just left me confused.
So reddit, please help, and tell me if i’m the asshole.
(sorry for spelling and grammar mistakes, English is not my first language)
NTA. You behaved perfectly.
NTA! She had agreed to be your cultural help! Your question was very reasonable.
South African here. There can definitely be a cultural element to serving large meals, it is to do with generosity, however I have never known anyone to be offended at a polite request for a smaller portion. It would be far ruder to leave the food and throw it away. And your supervisor is really ridiculous for framing your polite query as something rude. Presumably her role was to assist you with these kinds of cultural interpretation situations.
You did nothing wrong, your supervisor was whack. NTA
Particularly in the context of an international volunteer program, I have a bunch of friends from the US who did mission or NGO volunteer work in many different countries and all of them said that the local folks had a great desire to host volunteers with a good balance of appreciation for differences while educating them about local cuisine and culture. It didn’t tend to be a matter of some kind of colonial duty, more a genuine desire to offer hospitality and the political reality that building relationships with young people of good will pays dividends over decades. I know folks who served in the 1960s Peace Corps who maintained ties for the following 50 or 60 years.
My point being, yeah, only the most jaded host would get offended by this kind of request, and those folks don’t tend to be involved for long in international volunteer work
South African here. It’s totally fine to ask for a smaller potion or say you’re not that hungry. NTA.
NTA. There was absolutely nothing wrong with asking her. You asked your supervisor because you wanted to make sure you weren’t offending anyone. You’d think she’d be happy you checked with her first.
I’m South African born and bred (though I no longer live there). Yes big portions can offered to guests, especially as a thank you for doing something to help out. But no one will be offended if you say “thank you for the food, it’s delicious, but please could I get smaller portions as I have a small appetite”. Especially a charity that provides food to the less fortunate. They will NOT be offended that there’s extra food now available for someone to eat. They’d be offended if you quietly tossed half of your food in the trash…
You are there feeding hungry children & your supervisor is telling you to throw food away? That’s disgusting someone would love that food. Hungry ppl & you’re going to throw it away. Let them give the food you can’t eat to a hungry child.