Hello everyone, my situation is complex. My husband has a loving family, a good family. I’m not used to this. He and his ex wife got divorced (after like 10 yrs of marriage), and we are now married as of last year. She has been a prominent part of his family’s life, specifically his mom’s side.
Since we began dating, she has treated me fouly, name calling, personal attacks, the works. My age, how I’m naive, how I’m “with a married man” (she is also dating a man, whom was also dating a married woman, but I digress), referring to my house as “the ghetto”, and situations such as her doing an unwarranted “CPS visit” on my house to allow my husband to see his children (which is a big trigger for me, seeing as I had that done as child in foster care), and also as of recently, being extremely stubborn about the house they bought together (the deed) in regards to us buying a house for ourselves by saying we’re “moving too fast” (she had a baby with a man a few months after the separation).
It’s been pretty bad on my mental health. Not to mention, she has completely disrespected my relationship by not respecting boundaries. One specific thing that bothers me is her telling him so often how she “misses being a family” and how they’d be “so happy had they continued therapy” or whatever. Like dude. I’ve asked for apologies several times and clarifications on things which misunderstood (e.g her saying her relationship with him “supersedes” mine- which I obviously took offense to), which she told me “I don’t owe you anything” because we’re not friends.
I cannot personally be around her without my mind spiraling into a deep depression, so I avoid it. My husband thinks it’s best as well. We’ve spoken to his mom’s side and they had agreed to it, but turns out on thanksgiving, they had invited her- which led to us not attending.
We had talked to them 9 months prior, and one of their responses was that she was always welcome at my SILs house, and if they didn’t like it, to host the events at someone else’s house. Also followed up with how I need to “increase my confidence” or something of the sort.
My husband, of course, defended me, and is extremely irritated. My SIL decided to skip a family Christmas to spend it with his ex wife, which seemed weird to me, and honestly felt like a dig at me- since they always come to these holidays.
Because of this, I genuinely feel as if my SIL does not like me and wishes I was out of the picture. My MIL is the sweetest, she has supported us from the start and several others agree, saying they should do what makes my husband comfortable because they’re family, and that he comes first (over her).
I understand keeping a relationship with her, but blatantly going against our wishes and being passive aggressive about it rubs me the wrong way.
I genuinely don’t know if I’m being delusional or what at this point. I love him, but I hate the situation I’m in, if that makes sense.
NTA for keeping distance. But I am a bit confused. You keep saying your MIL is the sweetest, yet she’s doing this. I don’t see how those two things are true at the same time.
She’s the sweet one, it’s my SIL acting like this. Sorry, I should’ve been more clear about this!
I think you need to clarify the post because I read it as the MIL or the ex wife not the SIL as being awful
Your husband has your back. Everything else, find a workaround.
Your post is very difficult to follow but ultimately your husband’s children with his ex come first, not him or her or you. If your husband’s relative(s) prefers to preserve the bond with his ex, and would rather hang out with her than him, that’s their call. If his ex feels their relationship as co-parents and prioritization of their mutual children should supersede his subsequent relationships, that’s normal. NAH except that you’re making this about you and quite honestly you seem like a late arrival who is merely peripheral to these relationships.
My feeling was that I was wanted out of the family by my SIL, if they choose to keep a relationship with her that’s fine, but my husband and I both do not want her to attend due to her behavior towards me and him
Trying to make sense of your post and the one comment that clarifies that it is your husband’s sister that you have an issue with.
And also clarifying that your husband and his ex have children together. Not clear which parent the children live with.
It sounds like your husband has your back which is great.
BUT you have to realize his ex will always be connected to his family through the children. A marriage ending does not end all the family relationships.
If his sister is friends with his ex, divorce does not change that. It does not give his sister any excuse for being abusive towards you.
You’re not wrong for keeping distance. You’re protecting your peace from repeated disrespect. This isn’t something you should have to put up with.
Here is what I suggest
* Make a simple rule and stick to it: if she’s invited, you don’t go. No arguing, no long explanations. “We can’t make it, hope you have a great time.”
* Stop trying to get them to agree with you. You do not need their permission to set boundaries.
* Host your own stuff. Invite the people who support you. If they want to see you both, they can show up where it’s peaceful.
* Keep contact separate from events. Your husband can call or visit supportive relatives without you being forced into the same room as his ex.
* Your husband should shut down the “miss being a family” talk directly: “Let’s stick to the kids only.” Maybe even switch to only text or email for co-parenting.
* Don’t debate “confidence” comments: shut it down fast. “This isn’t up for discussion.”
* Watch actions, not words: adjust access accordingly. “We’ll catch you another time.” If your SIL keeps picking the ex over your husband’s comfort, believe that and adjust expectations.
* Build new traditions: protect holidays on purpose. “We’re doing Christmas morning at home.” Put your peace first. Invite friends, your MIL, or anyone who actually shows up for your marriage.
You’ve already made it through hard things. You can handle this one step at a time. You and your husband are a team, and that alone gives you a solid path forward.
NTA. Let your husband find a way for you to be respected by his family. Also, let him find a way to divorce his ex-wife from his family as well. In the meantime, take the space you need. The holiday season is over so you will have some time to decompress. Remind them all that you do have a breaking point and you hope they don’t reach it. Good luck.
I definitely will. I’ve spoken to his mother about it and she completely understands, as she’s remarried as well
I hope it all works out and you feel like an important part of the family soon. In-laws can be rough. My uncle has a saying: It’s better to be an out-law than an in-law because at least out-laws are wanted.
NTA. For you to request that the husband’s ex, who is consistently rude to you, not be invited to family holidays is very reasonable. For your SIL to then invite her anyway is an AH move by your sister and you were right not to attend. I suggest having your husband address this with SIL and perhaps have MIL speak to SIL also on your behalf. Ask her why she is destroying family holidays by inviting the ex. Tell her she can hang out with her separately any times she wants, but she does not get to undermine your marriage. Clearly, the family will still engage with the ex, she’s the mother of their grandchildren, but you should not have to. And Ex is being extremely rude to you, you should Minimize your contact with her and ignore her extremely provocative insults to you. None are true and you don’t need to justify yourself to her, verbally or mentally.
Yes for sure! They can see eachother any time of the year, but my husbands emphasizing keeping family events to family- blood relatives and spouses. I do not want them to cut ties with her, she’s been in their lives for a while, but they can be around her ANY other day, a few days out of the year shouldn’t hurt. In addition to this, the SIL and ex wife tend to plan special events (ex pumpkin carving, zoo lights, Halloween events) on his planned days- always happens. That’s another thing that irritates my husband and I- they can do it any other day but they always choose his days and NEVER ask him if he wants to go- always her.