I (29F) lost my dog, Milo, about six months ago. He was with me for 12 years and honestly got me through honestly some of the **hardest** moments of my life. When he passed, I had him cremated and kept his ashes in a small wooden urn. It’s simple and not flashy, just something meaningful and memorable to me.
I keep the urn on my bedside table. It makes me feel close to him, and it’s comforting when I’m going to sleep or waking up. My husband (31M) has never been a “pet person,” and while he liked Milo, he didn’t have the same bond as I did. Recently he told me that having the ashes in our bedroom “weirds him out” and makes the room feel "super creepy.” He asked if I could move Milo to the living room or “somewhere less personal, like our bedroom.
I told him I wasn’t ready to do that yet. It’s not like the urn is big or on display in a shrine, it’s literally just a small wooden box next to my lamp. He said he feels like he’s “sleeping next to a dead dog” and thinks it’s unhealthy that I “need” the urn there with me.
I understand it might make some people uncomfortable, but it feels really hurtful that he wants me to hide something that means a lot to me. He keeps saying I’m being “too sentimental” and making the bedroom “emotionally heavy.”
AITA for keeping Milo’s ashes on the bedside table even though it makes my husband uncomfortable?
NTA. I don’t blame your husband for being a little wigged out about sleeping next to cremains, but he really needs to let this drop. You’re keeping a small box on your bedside table, not snuggling with your dog’s taxidermied body.
NTA, I keep my bearded dragons ashes next to my bed as well. Your husband is the one who’s being weird and creepy about it.
NTA. It’s not like you’re cuddling with it. It doesn’t sound like it’s that large or flashy. So why does it bother him that much when it’s on your side of the bed? I am imagining something similarly sized to a jewelry box?
Is he afraid the dog is going to haunt him? Because it’s probably too late for that.
Edit: I don’t like that he’s rushing or devaluing your grieving process. You’re being sentimental? You lost a loved one that was with you longer than he has been. Why is he being so unkind to someone he supposedly loves? You are not hurting anyone.
Just as a fun tidbit, they make jewelry that you can put their ashes in. It might be a beautiful ‘compromise’ for you. They are actually quite beautiful as well.
But also, I would maybe start looking for a more permanent, maybe secretive, place for Milo. I don’t trust your husband to leave the remains alone.
NTA. Get rid of the husband. He’s the one making the bedroom “emotionally heavy” because he’s making a big deal out of it.
NAH–Grieving is a deeply personal experience with no set process or timetable. It’s okay to meander through the feelings at your own pace.
However, your husband AKA your other half, your partner in life has expressed his own feelings in no uncertain terms and his request isn’t entirely unreasonable. The bedroom is a place of deep intimacy (of all kinds, not just physical) between a couple and his feeling “creeped out” is going to inevitably cause a problem expressing that intimacy.
I would gently encourage you to do some reflecting on whether or not you might be open to a compromise of sorts. It sounds like you’re both comfortable with speaking openly with each other and that is a GREAT place to start. (Cannot emphasize thay enough.)
Is there a possibility of you being able of moving the urn to another area of the house that you can be relaxed and meditative in? My first thought is maybe the living room where couch-sitting and chilling is common. That way your beloved pup is in a more “main” area of the house almost like he is still (and he will always be) a part of your family and daily life.
I am so very sorry for your loss, sweet Redditor. I dread the day I will have to say goodbye to any of my own fur babies and I find myself bracing for it because I know it’s going to hurt like hell. May your loved one rest in peace and may a solution present itself swiftly.
Why are humans so weird 😕 they are ashes, they are not going to jump out at someone and attack them!
But then there is the thing of compromise. Do you really need them where you want them and have the husband be uncomfortable? Can you compromise? Your husband is still alive and he still feels…Milo is no longer by your side, but he will be in your heart forever
I would move Milo, and myself, and my stuff, to another room. He can be free of my grieving creepy self that he is not comforting or caring for and not have to worry about it or me in his room any more. I’m not saying that’s what you have to do, it is just what I would do. NTA.
Unpopular opinion here: NAH. I would not like that At All. Of course, all the dog lovers are out here raging at your husband. But, as my judgement suggests, I don’t think there is an ah here, just vastly different feelings towards the issue.
>He asked if I could move Milo to the living room…
>but it feels really hurtful that he wants me to hide something
INFO: How is moving Milo’s remains to the living room hiding them?
Or hurtful?
NAH, I would say, although I am not a fan of your husband’s choice of words.
You 2 do not have the same view of cremains. It happens and that’s fine. You need however to work on a compromise. It’s also your husband’s bedroom and he also needs to feel comfortable there. Find a place where you can still see it but that your husband is fine with.
And trust me, I know whay it feels like…! I have the cremains of my mum and my 2 dogs. I keep them all in the closet in my bedroom. Both dogs were my husband and mine, we were both devastated but hubby did not really care whether we kept the cremains or not. I needed them.
NAH.
Not everyone is comfortable with death and reminders of death. Ashes next to the bed wouldn’t bother me at all, but I am not your husband.
I FULLY understand why you would want the ashes next to your bed. The reminder brings you comfort. But in this case your comfort is coming at the expense of your husband’s comfort. Unless he has a massive habit of always putting his comfort above yours at every opportunity I think he deserves to have a comfortable sleeping space.
I would consider getting something else that reminds you of your dog, but isn’t the actual ashes. Each of our family members got a polished stone with our cat’s name on it when she passed. It’s something I can look at and think of her fondly that wouldn’t freak out someone who is uncomfortable about death.
I wouldn’t want an urn of ashes in my bedroom no matter where they came feom. He’s right. The urn reminds you of your loss & grief & stifles the air in your bedroom. It’s HIS bedroom, too. But I think it IS creepy.
I’m sorry for your loss but not listening to him & not taking how HE feels into consideration is asshole thinking & behavior. Your feelings are big. Stop imposing them on him. Move the urn.
YTA