I (36f) have been happily married to my husband (35m) for 14 years, we have been together for 20 years total, high school sweet hearts. Together we have 5 kids biologically ours. In 2018 we took in my now daughter, at two weeks old, SIL is her bm. They were living out of a vehicle in the middle of summer and sIL was on drugs , I turned her into DHS! During the process of fostering child (O), she got pregnant again. After having child (O) we finalized the adoption because she said she doesn’t want DHS involved with her new baby. Fast forward 6 months, the baby was born and again she was using again. DHS was called and so were we since we still had our foster license. We took in baby (G) since we didn’t want her to go to foster care. Bm went to a treatment center, they offered housing, food, and child care. SIL got baby (G) back. 3 months later they moved out of the center into MIL house. At this point we had little to no contact with SIL. My husbands grandma passed way and my MIL had a celebration of life, all of their family showed up including SIL and baby (G). My daughter was happy to see her sister but SIL was not happy to see us. But I sweet talked her into letting us keep baby (G) over night so my family could spend time with her. She agreed and left the celebration of life right away, which I thought was very strange. We took everyone home and baby (G) got sick throughout the night, I tried everything to get a hold of my SIL but she wouldn’t answer my calls, texts, anything. Being an experienced mom, I did what I could at home. The next morning I got a call from DHS that SIL is having baby (G) taken away and was wanting to place her with us again. I told the worker that I had said child and the situation I was in. She said she would make contact SIL to tell her she could not pick the child up. 15 minutes later I heard pounding on my door. It was my SIL with the cops. Since there was no legal documents yet stating the child was being placed with me, I had to give her the child. She went on the run for two weeks with the child until she was pulled over while driving (without a license.) A worker bought us the child and SIL went to jail along with the baby daddy.A year later their rights were terminated, and we were able to adopt my last child. Fast forward, here where it gets good. SIL gets out of prison and my girls are now 6 & 7 years old. SIL thinks she can still play the role of mom. This has created conflict with MIL for a while because she thinks I should let my SIL have a relationship with my girls. I thought I would be nice and invite SIL to my son’s high school graduation. Every chance she got she tried telling my girls that she’s their “real” mom and that I’m not their mom. Since then I haven’t invited her to any thing else, I don’t allow her over, and I don’t let her have contact with the girls. AITA for not allowing them to have a relationship?
ngl this isnt even a question, your SIL literally went on the run with your kid and told them you werent their real mom at a graduation. shes shown you exactly who she is multiple times over and your job is protecting your daughters from that chaos, not managing your MILs feelings about it.
NTA keep them away from her. If she couldn’t prioritise then and stop using, then she won’t now nor in the future.
From two weeks is your daughter. Her relation to the child is basically that of a random drug addict on the street. She birthed her, but you’re her mother.
Neh fk the SIL AND MIL. you are awesome
Paragraph breaks are your friend.
NTA, and I hope you can get a guardian ad litem for the girls. I think they’re going to need it!
They’re adopted. Biomom has no rights.
NTA. Those are your kids, you took them in and protected them from what would’ve been a very dangerous and unhealthy situation. You’re their mom, you stepped up when SIL failed… even when she was given second chances, she failed again. Coming from someone who grew up with a parent who struggled with substance abuse, my mental health was shattered because of it. You are doing good by your kids to separate them from SIL. It might be a different story if SIL was seriously working to get better and nurturing their familial relationships (ESPECIALLY you and your SO who even made it possible for her to see them), but she’s not.
As I mentioned my childhood, I also want to say that my mom protected me a lot, and I love her to pieces. Your kids are the priority, and they’ll know how much you care about them.
NTA: The girls need a stable upbringing and SIL hasn’t changed enough to even be involved in that. She’s just thinking about herself. You have to protect your girls and you are.
NTA While SIL may have been their birth mother, she is not their mother in real life or at law. OP should keep her children safe by preventing them from being hurt, kidnapped, or lied to by SIL. If MIL won’t look to her children’s safety, OP may need to keep MIL from contact with her children. Certainly OP should never let MIL have time with her children without OP being present as she may facilitate the SIL being in touch with OP’s children allowing SIL to lie to them, kidnap them, or do further emotional or physical damage to them.
NTA. I think your sole guiding principle should be whether the contact is healthy for your daughters. Ignore what everyone else is saying, you’re their mother, and if you don’t think contact with bio mom is healthy for them emotionally or psychologically, then no more visits with bio mom.
Also, be honest with them, as much as possible about the situation (in kid terms), so there’s no worry or confusion. Having a random woman tell you that she’s your ‘real mom’ at 6/7 years old can be really unsettling.
And it couldn’t hurt to talk to a child therapist and set the girls up with regular visits, because I’ve seen the damage an unstable mother can do on a child. The therapist will be able to advise you on what they think the best course of action is in this situation and help the girls process the whole fiasco. You’re actually in an advantageous situation because bio mom has no rights, so there’s no worry about legal repercussions.
Giving birth doesn’t make you a mother and doesn’t entitle you to a relationship with your offspring. This is just another case of “play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”
NTA, you’re protecting your children.
NTA. Honestly, just keep her away from your family. You may also need to keep them away from having alone time with MIL too, just in case she gets it in her head that she knows best and has SIL over without letting you know beforehand.
INFO. Have you or their SW done life story work with them, to explain to them that they are adopted, but have a bio Mum?
As Foster Carer, you will have received training about life stories and creating a memory book, as well as the importance of a supporting your child with their life story at an age appropriate level.
With a standard adoption, there is little chance of ever encountering the bio parents after adoption, so you are able to plan when and how you approach life story discussions – and allow these to be led by the child, when they are ready to ask questions.
Unfortunately, your children don’t have that safety net, because their bio mum is your SIL, their parents know where you live, and Bio Mum is intent on seeing the children and telling them who she is.
This means that you will have to tell them enough about their bio Mum and have a plan about what, if any, Contact you will allow (and stick to it) to protect them against traumatic confrontations, and against the impact of their bio Mum being (inconsistently) in their lives.
Personally, I would tell the bio parents that the adoption is final. They are your children, and there will be no in person Contact unless the children specifically request it.
Offer letterbox contact – where bio Mum will be allowed to write letters which will be saved (and vetted) and shared with the children when you feel is appropriate (so you can choose to share any letters sent once or twice a year, protecting against the disappointment of the children expecting to regularly receive letters, when you know bio Mum will let them down and be inconsistent).
Offer to share information on milestones (exams, achievements), and a copy of their school photo each year, but that’s it.
School should be told that the bio parents do not have parental rights and are not allowed to interact with your children, so the school can shoo them away and let you know if they turn up there.
It is going to be tough, because of the family connection, but no, you are NTA for protecting your children by keeping them away from their bio parents
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