So my dad is the youngest child of the youngest child of the youngest child (as far as anyone can remember). Because of that, the generations are really uneven. There are people who are technically one or even two generations “below” me in the family tree who are my age or older than me. I’m 18, but apparently I’m technically a great-aunt to someone around 20. Basically, the generational labels don’t match people’s actual ages at all.
context: In Indian culture it’s common for younger siblings to call their older sister “didi"
When we moved to India the weird family wasn’t a big issue because most of the immediate cousins we saw regularly were younger than me anyway, so it was given that they’d call me "didi" and i was okay with it. But on March 4th there was a huge Holi gathering that also celebrated my grandparents’ 50th anniversary, and basically the entire extended family showed up. I was meeting a lot of relatives together for the first time.
During the day I realized just how strange the family tree actually is. I’m technically an aunt, great-aunt, and even something like a grandmother to different people in the family structure. I even found out I’m technically a great-aunt to someone older than me.
So when people were introducing me to relatives I kept jokingly saying something like, “Please don’t call me didi or auntie or anything, just use my name. Some of you are older than me anyway.” Most people laughed and agreed it was weird. But at one point the wife of one of my older cousins came up to talk to me. Her daughter is 23, and because of the family tree I’m technically the daughter’s “bua” (paternal aunt).
She told me that in this family, children don’t call elders by their names and that I should not insult the culture, and stick to the titles, and don’t ruin their traditions by insisting otherwise. She also commented “whatever your foreign mother taught you,” which annoyed me. I told her I think I have enough autonomy to discuss what I prefer to be called with her adult daughter.
That turned into an argument, some relatives got involved, and my dad eventually pulled me away because people said I was creating conflict during a celebration.
Later my dad told me I should try to respect family traditions since I didn’t grow up fully immersed in them. I ended up leaving the Holi celebration early and stayed in the hotel for most of the afternoon. I came back for the anniversary dinner later, but some relatives said I was being “huffy” and ruining the mood.
I understand that respecting elders and traditions is important in many Indian families, but it also feels strange to be forced to accept titles like “auntie” from people who are older than me when I’ve said I’d rather just be called by my name.
So, AITA for refusing to go along with the titles and arguing about it during the celebration?
This is a harder question to answer since there’s so much culture here. I would recommend posting this to reddits which are more specific to Indian culture.
hmm, i’d look into that
Go to Am I the kameena sub, it’s the Indian counterpart of this sub
As an Indian cultural input, when there’s these kind of mismatch, parties knows the reality and the “aunty” terms are used as if pulling their leg. Nobody cares. As far as I concern, OP is blowing this up for no reason.
Imma go with ESH. You are turning something that is culturally standard and respectful into something disrespectful for no reason. The joking about it seems totally fine but actually making it a big deal is weird, especially given the large group. You are taking part in their culture and some things might be weird or uncomfortable but that doesn’t mean you are entitled to change them either.
Aunt is TA because she rudely confronted you about something as simple as a title.
YTA you are NOT something like a grandmother. To anyone. However, the aunt/great aunt titles, that’s just fact.
You chose to cause an unnecessary scene insulting traditions and cultures to the point your dad had to speak to you.
NTA.
I’m not Indian or any form of South Asian, so I don’t understand all of the nuances of the situation.
My first thought is, is this a battle that’s worth fighting? The relatives calling you “auntie” are ones for whom you technically are their aunt, right? I know some of them are your age or younger, but is it that big of a deal?
Couldn’t you let them call you auntie when their parents and other elders are around, but ask them to call you by your name when grownups aren’t around?
You’re not wrong for being annoyed by this. But when it comes to extended family, I’ve always picked my battles. I imagine that is doubly important in a large Indian family.
While I think it would be great if you could get all your relatives to call you by your name, if it’s going to cause constant drama to enforce it, is it really worth it?
Edit: missing a word
I get it. You’re a teenager and you don’t to be labeled auntie by people who are older than you are. You need to educate yourself on your cultural history but also your relatives should give you a break on the auntie labels. I would be annoyed to.
I’m going with NTA.
I am in the exact same boat as you. My nieces and nephews are my age, and when one had a baby, I suddenly became a ‘Great-Auntie’. I don’t like the title because it feels unfit. I’m not an elder. I don’t even have kids myself because I’m STILL trying to figure life out. To them it’s novelty and funny. To me it feels odd and a bit disrespectful.
But two things really stand out to me:
The ‘Foreign Mother’ comment was pointed. It feels rude for your relative to disqualify your perspective by blaming your ‘foreign’ upbringing. It was a way to shut down your boundaries rather than engage with you as a person.
Tradition should foster connection, not just mark a data point. Families are about relationships and tradition is usually more than a title. If they’re just using the title but treating you as 18, then they’re not even following tradition themselves. However you don’t WANT to be treated differently by family older than you so you don’t want the title that comes with it.
On a side note, now that I’m over 30, ‘Auntie’ feels like endearment since my friends’ kids started using it. But I still refuse ‘Great-Aunt.’ It’s okay to draw that line.
Cultural traditions anywhere are enforced with pressure and bullying and Indian culture is.no exception. These people are just scared of anyone who upsets their traditional views and in India the rise of nationalism in the past 15 years has made this much worse.
NTA. Stick to your guns, if you want to. You may lose some family members’ goodwill but ultimately those are not real relationships.
You don’t see these people often, some you met for the first time. Pick your battles. You are family. Enjoy each other’s company and don’t get hung up on titles.
YTA.
Who cares? It’s just a term.
This is such a non-issue, who gets offended by being called auntie by older people? I sincerely hope you’re trolling because my god this is so not a problem XD
If that’s just the way it goes in said culture and it is something inoffensive that’s isn’t hurting anyone, why are you kicking off? Apologize and let it be.
NTA. People should respect what you’d preferred to be called.
NTA, these people seem to have no respect for the individual. Everyone here that says “suck it up, Y T A” is wrong.