30s male here. I’ve been out of work for a bit and I’m actively looking, doing interviews, all that. It’s not a secret, but I also don’t really want it to be the main topic at family stuff.
We had a family Christmas dinner this weekend. I went, brought a bottle and dessert, was polite, helped clear plates, tried to just get through it.
My uncle (50s) started with the usual “so when you getting a real job then” type comments. I did the normal laugh-it-off thing and said I’m on it. He kept going all night. Stuff like “must be nice having a permanent holiday” and “maybe Santa can bring you a CV” and “you should try working instead of sitting on that computer”. People laughed, nobody told him to stop.
After the 4th or 5th comment I said, calmly, “can you drop it, I’m here for dinner not to be roasted.” He replied something like “oh come on it’s just banter, dont be so sensitive”.
At that point I just got up, said “right, I’m heading off, merry christmas everyone”, and left.
Now my mum is saying I embarrassed her and I should’ve just ignored him because “that’s how he is” and it made things awkward for everyone.
I think he can \*\*\*\* himself.
AITA for leaving instead of sitting there and taking it?
“I think he can **** himself.” covers it.
NTA
edit thumb spelling
NTA. He was rude and unhelpful. You politely asked him to stop. He didn’t. You did not embarrass anyone. Your uncle did. And I am very disappointed that your mother didn’t have your back.
NTA
What a jerk. Someone there should have stepped up and told him to drop it.
Definitively NTA.
Your mum, uncle, and everyone else who laughed at his “jokes” are the assholes.
Anyone without a job who’s currently looking knows how expensive it is to look for one, and how much of a full time job that is by itself.
Your mum was “embarrassed” that you did the smart thing and exercised restraint by leaving, but she wasn’t embarrassed for not defending you from remarks by her brother to make you the topic of embarrassment in front of family?
I’d be looking at going no contact, or refusing to attend any family functions you can avoid.
NTA. He sounds like the family bully and like people let him get away with it to “get along”.
Good for you for walking out.
“That is how they are” is enabler language for your feelings don’t matter.
She is embarrassed? Why, she has a child with a spine who won’t put up with continued disrespect. A joke, fine, when asked to stop, you stop. You don’t stop, it is disrespect.
Good luck on the job hunt.
NTA
>”That is how they are” is enabler language for your feelings don’t matter.
Exactly.
This is right up there with “boys will be boys’ or “that’s just locker room talk” or whatever else.
Excusing the behavior is just enabling it.
NTA. You proved you were the most adult person in the room by leaving without further comment. Bravo!
“That’s how he is” – and that’s supposed to make it okay? Well, tell you what mum, not putting up with crap like that is “just how I am” now.
NTA
NTA. I don’t understand how your Mom is embarrassed, and why she doesn’t care that your uncle was trying to embarrass you. Feels like these people are not in your corner.
Anyway, you handled it maturely – asked your uncle to lay off, he didn’t, so you removed yourself from the situation.
ETA: Good luck with the job hunt; a lot of people are in your situation right now.
The ‘that’s just how he is’ tells me everything i need to know. Sounds like he’s a jerk and your family has chosen to just tolerate it for way too long
NTA
NTA. It’s “not just how it is” though is it? It’s only that way because people allow him to be an insufferable bully.
Good on you for leaving OP. You were politer than I would have been. The job market absolutely sucks right now and it’s tough enough without people trying to drag you down. Best of luck with your search.
Its interesting she chose to say you made things awkward and defended your uncle. I wonder how it would be if instead she told the uncle he made things awkward, and told everyone else ‘thats just how he is’ about you walking out.
NTA, but the adults of his generation should have stopped him like his wife or his sister (your mom?).
The old “that’s how he is” happens because no one tells the young man who bullies everyone to stop it when he’s doing it in his teens, then 20s, 30s, etc.
Tell your “mum” that she embarrassed you by not stopping his boorish behavior years ago.