Perhaps important context to preface, my (17M) father died a few months ago (long story) so we all haven’t really been in the best place.
After my dad died I immediately got a part time job alongside school to help out, and had saved up some money. It was my mum’s birthday so I decided to treat her to a meal at a restaurant. We get there and place our orders, and they take perhaps a bit longer than usual (but not *that* long) to come out. When our food arrives my mum makes a snarky comment to the waitress about the service time and the waitress apologises, saying they are short-staffed today. The waitress leaves and I thought that was the end of that.
After eating her starter, my mum notices they made her main "wrong" and immediately gets up and goes to find the waitress again. I beg her not to make a scene but she ignores me. She was not satisfied with the waitress’ initial response and began publicly berating her – it became a very one-sided screaming match. Amongst other things I can’t write here, she called her a wh\*re, b\*tch and asked her if she was "so ret\*rded that she couldn’t follow basic instructions". She was screaming about how her husband had just died and she just wanted to have a nice birthday but it was ruined thanks to "this (racial slur I won’t repeat but which I have never ever heard her say in my life before this)". The waitress was already crying by this point. The manager tried to throw my mum out and threatened to call the police – she wouldn’t leave so he called them.
Honestly, at this point I was just so mortified and embarrassed that I got my stuff, apologised to the waitress and gave her all the cash in my wallet (which would’ve been enough to cover what I ordered but not much beyond that, if I had stayed I would’ve paid by card) and walked out of the place and took the bus home (my mum had driven us there). When she got home she was fuming and started screaming at me, saying that if I had taken her side it wouldn’t have gotten to that point and I should have at least tried to deescalate the situation as I knew it was her birthday and she hasn’t been doing well recently. I told her that I had never seen such poor behaviour and that she acted appalingly and that for someone of her age who is supposed to be a role model she should be ashamed. She then threw my phone on the floor and grounded me "until I understand family values".
So, Reddit – what could I have done differently here? AITA for just straight up ditching her and then talking back to her when she got home – should I have given her more grace?
NTA. Having just lost her husband doesn’t give her the right to be an asshole. Especially a racist one. You did the right thing saying something to your mum.
NTA, she’s a horrendous individual and you should gtfo of there ASAP and stop paying for all bills that aren’t related to you
NTA, she is completely in the wrong, I apologize for her dispute in public. Even in a hard time of life it’s never okay to take it out on people.
You were right to leave. You mom displaced her anger about her husband dying onto the waitress. You mom needs to head to therapy to figure out why she did that and learn coping skills so she never does that again. She obviously is not dealing well with the death of a loved one.
NTA. Your a minor. Your mom is making you older than you are. She is also grieving. I would advise counseling for her to deal with your father’s death. Everyone grieves differently. However your mom going off like that in a public place is a sign she needs help and she may not be ready to be out in public yet.
You are NTA AT ALL! I’m worried though that as this is completely new behavior for your mom after a trauma that she may be heading into a crisis/ breakdown situation. Is there anyone you can go to/ talk to about this? She needs help fast, and it is much bigger than you. If there are family members or other adults you trust, get them involved ASAP. Make sure you have your local crisis line number at hand.
You are in no way TA, and it sounds like it might be much more than you can handle on your own. Do you have any other support system?
NTA. Your mom is grieving but that doesn’t give her a pass to be nasty and especially racist. It took courage to stand up for what’s right and I’m proud of you. Also, I’m so sorry for your loss. Hang there, OP.
There’s no excuse for either racism, or for berating service staff.
This shouldn’t be your problem, but you said you’d never heard your mum.be racist before, and you are 17. So, would you say this is really out of character? It may well be that your mum’s mental health is suffering after your bereavement, and she needs some help. Again, this shouldn’t be your problem, not least as you are so deeply bereaved, too – but is there another adult you could raise this with, who could get her some help?
Yes, it’s definitely out of character – I’ve never seen her do or say anything racist before, though obviously I don’t know what she does outside of my presence. But it really shocked me – she’s the type of mum where if I had said that I would be in massive trouble
NTA she should be absolutely embarrassed by her actions. You did the right thing by leaving. I can’t imagine why she would think that you should’ve stood up for her when she was setting such a bad example. Maybe try to have a conversation with her after things calm down. She probably could benefit from some grief counseling and maybe you should consider asking for it also. Wishing you the best.
I’m so sorry for your loss, you sound like a loving supportive son and your mom is lucky to have you.
That being said, she needs help. Much more help than you and internet strangers can provide. She is lost in her grief and lashing out. If this is as out of character as you said she needs professional help ASAP before her behavior compounds the bad situation she finds herself in.
Do you have a trusted adult you can ask for help from? Does she have a support network you can call and share how volatile she is with? The state she is in is dangerous, acting that way with the wrong person could end tragically.
I wish you health and happiness, I hope you both find peace and comfort in your memories with your Dad.
It sounds to me like she was expecting you to take on the role of her husband/your dad, which is absolutely not your job. If you were a 40 year old man I’d say maybe you should be able to tell that she’s having a breakdown and should try to put your embarrassment aside and deescalate the situation and get her out of there, but you’re so young and this is all new for you and you are grieving too so nobody should expect that of you. She’s the parent and should be taking care of you, not the other way around (although realistically you’ll both be taking care of each other for a while). I hope you both can get the help you need to navigate this incredibly difficult time. I lost my dad a year and a half ago and holy hell was that hard. It still hurts but not nearly as intense. It will get easier in time.
Also, it was really kind of you to take your mom out for dinner for her birthday, not a lot of 17 year old boys would even think to do that. And the way you handled the waitress was very kind as well.
I would have left also she was really really disrespectful to that poor girl. I’m surprised she didn’t get arrested
Sounds like a mental breakdown, especially if this is out of the ordinary. Do you have any family members you can call for help? Stay safe OP.