My wife and I have been married for over a year now and our daughter will be 4 months old next week. We’re immigrants while our families reside in our home country. We’re back here for my brother’s wedding, it was held in his wife’s city so my immediate and some members of my extended family flew here, and we were staying at the same hotel. The wedding event happened the day before yesterday, my brother and his wife are doing their own thing, the rest of us fly out today, so we had yesterday off.
My wife and I had kind of, not like definitively, but we’d talked about seeing the city just the 3 of us together. Neither of us are from here, so we had thought it’d be good, also one of the car rentals was booked by me so it could work out.
Yesterday my dad and my uncle really needed to see a cousin of theirs who’s not in great health and lives in a city 3 hours away They don’t know when they’ll see her again if ever I guess because again we’re not from around here. I’ve only met her once a long time ago. It was a spur of the moment decision and they really tried to convince me to go with them especially since I was the one with the car. I felt that that was more important than the plan my wife and I had so I agreed and then told her. She seemed a bit disappointed, like the way I was too but nothing serious she said she understood.
Unfortunately on the way back we were stuck in crazy traffic and reached back later than anticipated. The family had all had dinner by then, when I had some alone time with my wife and asked if she wanted to go out for tea she was upset with me, told me I had left her with my family and alone with our daughter while I was off on an adventure (her words). I got defensive too, she had said she was ok with it in the morning, and she knew why I had to go, and I couldn’t control the traffic. She brought up the fact that she’d wanted the three of us to have our own room. This was again something we’d discussed together earlier too, the women were staying in one big connecting room, me and my cousins and uncle and dad in another, it would’ve looked off if we were off in our own room and she’d agreed with that previously too. She didn’t come out with me, which was disappointing. We’re flying out today and she is a bit cold with me today. I understand the disappointment, I was too but given the circumstances AITA?
>My wife and I had kind of, not like definitively, but we’d talked about seeing the city just the 3 of us together
and then
>I felt that that was more important than the plan my wife and I had so I agreed and then told her
you guys never discuss anything properly, ain’t you?
And on top of that, you sure seem to value your opinion more than whatever she puts on the table.
YTA
Firstly yes you should’ve had your own hotel room with your wife and child. Secondly you absolutely should’ve done your plans with your wife. Your dad and his brother could’ve and should’ve found their own transport (that was in them). You unilaterally made a decision to be swayed by them and put your wife in a shitty place physically and emotionally by springing that change of plans on her last minute.
You left her obligated to hang with your family and you didn’t bother to stand up for her with your family to assert that you already have your own plans with your wife and child.
You’d be pissed if it was her family and she’d left you with the kid while she went off last minute without properly consulting you (it as a fair accompli you’d go with your dad so she had no choice but to agree. Did you bring it up privately or in front of your family?)
you said it all, OP YTA
YTA. Not for visiting the relative but for not considering your wife at all. She wanted her own room with you and instead you decided it would be better for appearances if you stayed with the boys and she stayed with the girls. Which means the baby was also with her while you were free from any parenting.
Why didn’t you invite her to join you on the visit to the cousin? It sounds like you don’t value your wife or kid or want to spend any time with them. I absolutely get the traffic and the disappointment but you don’t sound empathetic or caring towards your wife’s feelings. Especially when she’s 4months post partum and needs your help and support.
I’d say YTA. I sympathized about the cousin and I could understand both sides but you not only backed out of the promise of exploring the city but about the room. You stated this was your brothers wedding so yalls family and her family would be there so she was staying in a room with people she isn’t really familiar with along with the baby. It wouldn’t have looked off if yall were in yalls own room and were paying for it. It seems as though you got her hopes and expectations up on some things then did a 180 once yall were there and made excuses
YTA – you are a grown ass man with a family and didnt get your family a separate hotel room????
This was the hill that I would be on!
100% same! And with a 4-month old baby no less!
YTA by far. You decided the plan without checking with your wife first. Your father or uncle could have rented their own car. You told your wife the morning of that that’s what the plan was, I’m sure you would have made her feel guilty if her immediate answer wasn’t “ok.” I’m guessing you also agreed to the room sharing without talking it over with your wife first. Since you’re in separate rooms it’s your wife that’s having to get up all night with the baby, then you leave her with the baby all day while you’re off with your family. You need to start prioritizing your wife, she’s the most imporatnt relationship you have. Her opinions and feelings matter and should carry a lot of weight. Instead of immediately pleasing your family, your priority should be her. No wonder she’s upset. Do better.
Mild YTA….
Not because you’re a monster, but because you seriously underestimated how this would land.
From your perspective, you were helping family see a sick relative. That’s reasonable. From *her* perspective, she’s in a foreign country, postpartum, with a four-month-old, staying with *your* family, and you basically dipped for the entire day while she played polite guest and default parent.
She said she was “okay” in the morning because a lot of people do that when they don’t want to look difficult. That doesn’t mean it didn’t sting. Especially when the loose plan was “our one day as a family” and it quietly turned into “you and the baby hang back while I go on a road trip.”
Also, the “it would’ve looked weird to have our own room” logic? That’s a miss. You’re married. You have an infant. Wanting privacy isn’t weird, it’s normal. Putting appearances above your wife’s comfort is probably what tipped this from disappointment into hurt.
She’s not mad about traffic or the sick cousin. She’s mad that, when plans shifted, she and the baby were the ones who absorbed the inconvenience while you got to leave and be useful and social.
This isn’t a huge relationship sin, but it is a moment where you should own it, apologize without defending yourself, and acknowledge that you left her alone in a situation where she already had less power and comfort than you did.
YTA. You left her all day, and then when you get back, you are staying with your male relatives so she’s the full-time parent while you enjoy a guys weekend with your family. She has nowhere to have any privacy and has to parent solo the entire time, and any chance of a fun little side trip you were going to take together is now also over, I can see why she would be upset.
YTA
“so I agreed and then told her”
You didn’t ask. You didn’t go to her first and say, “I know we had plans, but this came up, let’s talk about it.”
No, you told her what you were doing after the decision was made and then threw that “ok” back in her face.
Did she even have a choice? If she said, no, I want you to keep our plans, would you have gone back to your father and said, “sorry, I just remember I had plans with my wife” or would you have “she won’t let me go.”
Did you also decide the room arrangements and then just tell her, or did you actually talk to her about it?
YTA.
You completely betrayed your wife. Your actions make you a very bad husband and father.
Your wife likely will not trust you again for quite some time. And unless you work very very hard to build back that trust, she likely never will again.
YTA
Your priorities need to start changing NOW
Your wife and child should come first, no matter who or what comes up. They are YOUR family now.