We’re both in highschool and have been friends since middle, she has had a manipulative and toxic personality throughout the last four years. I’ve always been able to ignore or work around things she’s done, and I’ve only ever set boundaries just enough for her to not be mad. But she started some drama with me these last few weeks and I haven’t started conversations with her and when she has I gave dry responses. I’m not completely ignoring her but I’m trying to take a step back in our friendship. The drama she started was when I told her to accept my boundaries and stop rubbing her feet on me, the next day she kept asking me if I was mad and acted really upset throughout all her classes. She texted and asked me in person, and when I didn’t tell her I was mad she asked other people to ask me. When I asked her why she was bringing other people into a situation she created she blamed it on them and stopped talking to them to try to prove she didn’t ask them to. For the next week I’ve been talking to people about this and I’ve heard multiple things, that she is projecting and is actually mad at me for something, that she just isn’t used to having boundaries set (which is true but it’s never happened to this extent), or just that she’s guilty of something like she did something that I wouldn’t like and she thinks I know or smth. Now whenever she texts I don’t really text back, she stopped talking to me at lunch, and I don’t start conversations anymore. I did start one conversation but she left me on delivered for two days and I haven’t started one since. So AITA, am I being reasonable for not talking with someone who acts like this when I tell her something I don’t like in her behavior, or should I drop her like I’ve been told to for years. I can gladly give multiple pages and examples and texts of all the times I’ve had to apologize first when she’s started stuff like this, which is mainly why I’m being petty.
I think if the first things that come to mind to describe your best friend is “manipulative and toxic,” regardless of who is “right” that friendship is probably already over. It’s not the end of the world because people generally drift apart after high school and you’ll make new friends.
I understand how you feel, but the mature thing to do is tell her you need to step back from the friendship.
Giving her the cold shoulder like you are is passive aggressive, even if you don’t mean to be . Plus, it doesn’t clearly make your point. She’s just going to keep guessing what’s going on or getting others involved, etc.
You should really just tell her that because she didn’t respect your boundaries, then pulled other people into your disagreement, that you need some space from her.
if it’s been like this this long, then just peacefully cut her off and tell her she doesn’t respect boundaries. no reason to put yourself through more, you’re already in high school, no need to stack on unneeded drama
NTA
Sounds like a toxic friendship, i wouldnt go back to it
As you age, some friendships will fall off. It’s totally normal.
But WHY endure all this?
I still like her as a person and as a friend and I don’t want to drop her entirely I just want to back up a little from our friendship. I endure it because she can be fun and genuine most of the time
😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫
If ANYONE doesn’t respect your boundaries or why you have them, that’s not a good person, much less a friend. It may be hard to actually let go of this person since you are in the same school and probably the same circle, but it is not worth your time.
NTA.
First off, I’m really glad you’re setting boundaries, especially at your age. That part matters.
This doesn’t read like “ignoring someone to be petty.” It reads like you finally stopped over-functioning in a friendship where *you* were always the one smoothing things over, apologizing first, and managing her emotions so she wouldn’t get mad.
The moment you asked for a very reasonable boundary and she reacted by:
* repeatedly interrogating you about your feelings
* involving other people to pressure you
* playing victim publicly
* giving you the silent treatment when you didn’t chase
that stopped being a normal conflict and crossed into manipulation.
You’re not obligated to initiate conversations just to keep someone calm. You’re not required to reassure someone who refuses to respect your boundaries. And pulling back instead of engaging in drama is actually a healthy response, not a cruel one.
That said, one honest note: if your long-term plan is distance or ending the friendship, this “only replying if she texts” phase is a transition, not a solution. It’s fine short-term, but eventually you either:
* clearly state you need space, or
* let the friendship fade without guilt
What you *don’t* need to do is keep sacrificing your comfort so she doesn’t spiral.
You’re not being unreasonable. You’re just no longer playing the role she’s used to you playing. And people who benefit from a lack of boundaries usually react badly when one shows up.
Protect your peace. You’re doing better than you think.