So let me start this by saying that I (32F) and my husband (36M) both enjoy having a clean home. I am better at cleaning as I have had proper training by my parents on how that looks. Do I always want to do it? No. I get overwhelmed by mess easily and it’s difficult to maintain a spotless home when I have a lot of responsibility on my plate. I know it’s the same for most, but idk if it’s my PCOS that makes it next level exhausting for me or if I just don’t understand how to maintain it. I will have these bursts of energy every few weeks where I will do a deep clean/tidy/purge and I LOVE when everything looks good. I also want to mention that both my mom and grandma and aunts have a hoarding problem so whenever I start to fall into the habit, I get rid of things I don’t use when I have that burst. I don’t have many things now so it is mostly mess from our toddler leaving toys everywhere, laundry or the mess he makes in the kitchen. I usually make small meals for my daughter and I during the day and he will make dinner when he comes home if I don’t buy dinner.
Anyway, when I was dating my now husband, this should have but never really came up though he knew about my condition and difficulty with functioning at a high level if I’m very stressed. My room would be clean some weeks, not clean some weeks (clothes, water cups, plastic bags). The mess is always associated with high levels of stress and the entire time we were dating, I was the primary caretaker for my late father who had kidney failure and Parkinson’s.
This cycle continued into having our first child who I take care of while working full time from home. It is not a flexible wfh position where I can work as I please. It is an office job like his. Ugh, idk how to shorten this.
AITA for not cleaning and doing laundry every single week and expecting him to help instead of chew me out for it? Also would appreciate maintenance tips from other people who have cracked the code. I really can’t stand the mess or him blaming me for it.
NTA
Here’s some resources
Is your relationship healthy?
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that?
https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
He doesn’t care AKA weaponized incompetence
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
My partner doesn’t help around the house
https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse?utm_source=direct
So his to do list
Go to work
Yours
Go to work
100% child care
100% maintain the house
You don’t have a partner and if you point this out and he still feel that way you need to address if you can live like this the rest of your life.
NTA it shouldn’t be your responsibility only. You’re both working full time, so the chores need to be divided equally. Unfortunately I have no advice for you as I am in a similar boat, but my issue is my depression/anxiety, and herniated discs. Dirty laundry will pile up for weeks, and when I finally get it done, I don’t know why but I can never put it away. So it all ends up stuffed in baskets into the closets to hide the mess, but then nothing can be found (socks, undies) and eventually the kids mix the clean laundry with the dirty again. And that’s just the laundry. I have the same issues with the dishes, and mopping. Some days everything will be spotless, and then it will pile up for weeks at a time again, so I completely understand you. The only suggestion I can make is focus on one task a day (other than the daily necessaries like dishes), but I know even then it can be hard physically and emotionally do even that.
NTA, you also sound a lot like me, I was diagnosed with ADHD a few weeks ago at age 30. High functioning adhd women with husbands who weaponize incompetence with male entitlement are prone to significant burnout which can have debilitating mental problems. He needs to step up, and you may be clearer headed with some extra help in the brain area.
I was going to say that. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 28, and she seems a lot like me. The burnout is real, the executive function very hard to maintain.
NTA you have one full time job and one 24/7 job. Everyone in the house should help, it’s a family business. Very few family businesses can survive with only one person running and operating it.
Making dinner is nice, but he should be able to help doing other chores. It’s time to sit down and have a talk, without blaming each other, and figure out what you each need going forward.
NTA, but he is. Ask yourself, what would you say to a close friend/family member if they were the wife in this scenario?
“I’m better at cleaning” is weaponized incompetence at it’s finest.
NAH. Hire a cleaning service.
Why do you let him get away with this BS?
Next time you are doing cleaning, send him a text that you just mopped the floors. Or you just cleaned up after him in the kitchen. Or you just did the laundry. Or you just took out the trash. Suggest that he do the same. After a month, compare the texts.
NTA
NTA. He needs to realize a full time job and full time childcare is a lot to deal with alone, throw in all the house duties and it’s impossible to feel like you could do it all. That alone would make me feel like why try to keep up with the house. I would sit down with him and tell him it’s not fair for him to assume you’re responsible for all of the house duties because you work from home. If he wants a house wife/stay at home mom then you can quit your job and do that. But otherwise he needs to help keep the house up. I personally break tasks into days. I vacuum and do the floors one day, empty all the trashes one day (my bf does take the kitchen trash out when it’s full), do laundry loads on different days ( we do towels one day, bedding one day, his work clothes one day, and our everyday clothes another day), the only thing I do everyday is dishes. I’ll deep clean when I feel up to it. I have a bunch of chronic illnesses so I get not having energy to do a lot every day.
Are you me? I feel you, you’re not alone ☹️
He’s telling you you’re the best cleaner. That’s the sort of thing parents pull on their kids to get them to do the chores.
NTA
NTA, you need childcare while you’re working and your husband needs to equitably contribute to the household or he is going to be doing 100% living on his own with 50/50 custody and an ex wife.