My (20f) boyfriend (19m) usually sleeps over once every week on Friday nights in my dorm. At my university, we have very nice dorms with private bedrooms. There are four people to a suite, with four bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a shared small living space. One of my roommates (19f), has been setting some boundaries with my bf coming over, which is completely understandable. I listened when she wanted me to ask her permission before I invited him over, and when she said I was having him over too much. Now, I typically invite him over only a couple of times a week, and only one of those is overnight. I haven’t had any issues with her making these rules, as I totally understand not wanting a random man in your "home" all the time. Although we’ve been together eight months now, so I wouldn’t say he’s a stranger to her, and I think they get along fine. I would probably call them acquaintances, but not friends. But last Saturday morning, after our usual sleepover, he was taking a shower in the bathroom that I share with this roommate. She asked me if he showers every time he sleeps over, and I said yes. She then tells me that it makes her uncomfortable because it kind of grosses her out when other people use her shower. I can understand this because it also kind of grosses me out when people I don’t really know use my shower, too. But on the other hand, I really don’t know what she wants me to do about that. We made it through all of the last semester without an issue, but suddenly it’s a problem. I don’t really see what the big deal is all of a sudden. I’m not going to tell my bf that he can’t shower when he’s over here. I don’t know if this is her way of trying to make me have him sleep over less without saying that or what. It kind of pissed me off, though. I don’t know if it’s at all relevant, but to my knowledge, she’s never dated anyone seriously or long-term. But I am very in love with my boyfriend, and I don’t plan on having him over less. So, AITA for letting my bf shower in a shared bathroom, despite it grossing out my roommate?
YTA you literally said it grosses you out when people you don’t know use your shower. if you’re roommate had a guy showering, it would bother you too. yes, it’s very easy for you to tell your boyfriend to just shower when he gets home. that’s not a big deal at all. why does he have to shower there? it’s respectful since you share it with her.
INFO. What is your dorms’ policy on non-dorm people sleeping over.
YTA. She is uncomfortable another man is in her living space regardless how long you are dating him. She isn’t dating him, to her he is a man that has nothing to do with her. Stop bring him over.
YTA. It’s a shared space, and it’s completely understandable that she doesn’t want your boyfriend using that space.
I mean, YTA. Your roommate ( who shares your bathroom) did not sign up to share a bathroom or living space with a random male. Especially one who doesn’t live there.
>I can understand this because it also kind of grosses me out when people I don’t really know use my shower, too. But on the other hand, I really don’t know what she wants me to do about that. We made it through all of the last semester without an issue, but suddenly it’s a problem. I don’t really see what the big deal is all of a sudden.
The problem is, now she knows about it. It’s like learning that a food you like is made of something you don’t like the sound of, it’s hard to separate it.
You say you understand the problem. It’s her shower too. It’s not intended as a communal shower.
I think what you actually don’t like, is that now you’ll have to talk to your bf about it.
This is part of your responsibility, living in shared accommodation.
If you allow it to continue without your roommate’s agreement, then YTA.
YTA. “I’m not going to tell my bf that he can’t shower when he’s over here.”
Why not? It’s a reasonable request, given the context. He can go shower at the athletic centre. He can use a facecloth on his sweaty bits in the morning and go without a shower. He can go home and shower there.
YTA. If he’s only staying overnight for one night then he can either shower at his place before going over to yours or shower at his place when he gets back. Just because she didn’t say anything about it before doesn’t mean she didn’t have a problem with it, she was either hoping it wasn’t gonna be a common occurrence or it built up overtime. It’s one thing if he really needs to shower here and there but EVERY time he spends the night? It is inconsiderate of your shared space with her
YTA.
Look, I personally wouldn’t have an issue with this. And I remember what it was like to have to be in college and have to figure out how to spend nights with a boyfriend when we both have roommates. It was so frustrating, so I get your annoyance.
But your roommate is trying multiple ways to tell you that she is uncomfortable with your boyfriend crossing certain lines. You need to respect that. She probably didn’t clock that he was taking those Saturday morning showers, not you or another housemate. Now she has, and she’s telling you she’s uncomfortable.
Your love for your boyfriend doesn’t negate your friend’s right to have a say over who is in her home. It’d be wildly inappropriate if she was asking you to end your relationship or something….but she’s not. She’s asking your boyfriend to go back to his dorm to shower, which is an easy and normal thing to do.
Also, I want to help you reframe something. You say it’s “not like he’s a stranger”. **Girl, the world is not neatly divided into “People I Don’t Know” and “People I Want in My Shower”.**
The last part cracked me up!
I also think it’s rather childish when people act like they’re the only person to have ever been in love and that because they are, they can now ignore boundaries and foist their partner on other people who are not enamored with the person the way they are, and who didn’t sign up to have them in their space and their shower. Saying “But I’m really in love” as a reason is like, huh?! What does that have to do with anything?
YTA. He’s your bf that she tolerates. He’s not her friend. The same way someone you don’t know using your shower grosses you out, he’s a guy that she has no relation to, in her home, using her shower.
You guys could break up next month, and you’re gonna still have to live with your roommate, why create bad blood? When I was in college, even the roommates who were inconsiderate never let their bfs shower there and I didn’t do it either.
It’s one night. Unless he is unhoused, why can’t he just go to his own home and shower? You can absolutely tell him that. It’s very normal in college to do the walk of shame where you emerge in your clothes from last night and go back to your own place. He can do that like every other person.
When you live by yourself, do what you want, but for now, your boyfriend’s desire to shower in a dorm he doesn’t pay for doesn’t count. Or y’all can just sleep over at his place and shower and do everything y’all want. Why is that not an option?
YTA. Your roomie has been very nice to let him stay overnight. You’re pushing it by letting him use the shower. You and your bf need to figure out something else for overnights.
>We made it through all of the last semester without an issue, but suddenly it’s a problem.
That’s a wild misreading of the situation.
What this *actually* means is that your roommate has been uncomfortable with many aspects of having her space invaded all along, but that she kept quiet up until now (likely either because she is uncomfortable speaking up for herself or because she thought you would realize that you were taking advantage of her goodwill and would naturally reduce the visits on your own).
YTA. It is your obligation to establish the ground rules for houseguests *before* inviting them to spend the night. Also, if it starts to become a regular thing, you should check in with your housemate to confirm if they are still okay with it.
The fact that you made it through the whole semester and you didn’t realize that your roommate was uncomfortable is a failure on your part.
Furthermore, even if your roommate used to be okay with it, she has the right to withdraw her consent for future visits
She wants her privacy. Him being there changes the dynamics of the whole situation. You should move out, get a place of your own. I hate it when people force other people on me. That’s what you have done.