I 21 (f) have a friend 21 (m) who we can call jack.
We met our freshman year of college, formed a friend group during orientation and have all been close ever since.
During that first week Jack devloped a crush on another member of our friend group (who we can call Sam). Jack confessed to Sam. Sam did not feel the same way.
A few weeks pass and Jack is handling the rejection well and states that he didnt know Sam well enough and that they were completely incompatible as partners. This is 100% true.
Over the next couple of months I am hanging out with Jack and Sam alot. The 3 of us are incredibly close. me and Sam particularly. me and Sam start dating (Sam liked and confessed to me first). We wait a whole month before telling our friend group.
When i finally tell Jack he cries for 3 day ( his roommate told a mutual friend about it out of concern for Jack).
Its important to note that Jack has had multiple situations in between this and when he first liked Sam.
Jack is mostly supportive of us but makes sly comments to me ever once an a while ("I just think people our age should be single", "your a good FIRST girlfriend..", "people our age are to young to know what they want" ect"). Both me and Sam note his behavior but never correct it.
When me and Sam break up. Jack is un bothered and says it’s probably for the best.
Sam no longer attends the same school as me and Jack. Sam and Jack are still very close
Whenever sam comes up in conversation, Jack makes it a point to let me know that he (now) knows Sam better than I do. He will mention something new and exciting he has been doing or if I make a statement about Sam, Jack will correct it and say I’m wrong. Eveytime…even when I’m correct. Jack brings up Sam constantly and even described his perfect type as someone who looked exactly like Sam (didn’t say his name but described him).
Jack constantly "flexs" his friendship and closeness to Sam and defends him against anyone who is openly on "my side" of the break up. Stating "he is a good guy and you guys don’t know him like I do"…
Me and Sam are still friends who talk regularly. Jack doesn’t know this. When I do mention any interaction i have had with Sapost break up Jack very loudly disappoves. Jack has even gone as far as to TELL me that I shouldn’t speak to Sam and that I should block Sam again.
We are constantly in a who knows Sam better/ who is Sam closer with battle and it really pisses me off. I hate how jealous and protective Jack can be and I hate that he clearly still likes Sam and doesn’t care that Sam is my ex boyfriend who I very openly still have feelings for.
But at the same time do I have any right to be upset? I dated Sam for 2 years but Jack likesed him first and for way longer than I ever realized.
you’re nta, jack needs to grow up. i would either start calling out his behaviour or just cut contact
INFO: does Sam know you both have feelings for him?
Would Sam be attracted to males at all or this a dream crush for Jack?
Yes. This seems like an important missing detail.
I personally think a good friend would not pursue a relationship with someone their close friend had feelings for and had confided in you about that. I also think you should have been upfront about the relationship/your interest in Sam and not kept it a secret for over a month as you knew it would hurt him.
This is Reddit so you will get people telling you you don’t owe anyone anything and no one is entitled to anything but to me, I don’t think you behaved like a good friend.
It doesn’t sound like Jack has done anything except remain friends with both of you. YTA.
You don’t think it’s weird or a problem at all that jack is acting weirdly territorial over a friend who’s stated he has no interest in jack? Would you feel the same if Sam was a woman? Cause to me it’s really over the line for anyone to act like only they can know what someone else is feeling. It’s also really weird for someone to “disapprove” of 2 people being friends after a break up.
I get where your coming from on the whole “you shouldn’t da people your friends are interested in” but I disagree. No adult gets to essentially call dibs on someone else without that person’s consent. Why should Sam not be allowed to date someone he’s interested in simply because Jack likes Sam even though Sam already told Jack no? If you can’t be grown up enough to realize that having a crush on someone means absolutely nothing then you aren’t ready to date as an adult. That’s the kind of behavior that’s only acceptable in high-school. Sometimes you have a crush on someone and they don’t like you back. That’s fine and normal, what’s not okay is using that crush to control others or act like that person “belongs” to you in some way, shape, or form.
Umm, Jack is acting like the jealous girlfriend and trying to keep Sam all to himself even knowing Sam and him will never be compatible. Jack had a crush. Jack has dated many people and you’ve been a supportive friend. He is not returning the favor. Sweetheart this is toxic behavior on Jack’s part and if I were going to recommend blocking anyone it would be Jack.
NTA
I would say NTA… one cannot control feelings but one can control how one reacts to them. It seems to me that Jack chooses to react in the most unpleasant way possible.
In your place I would seriously question my friendship with Jack!
It sounds exhausting. Fighting over who knows an ex best? Dude, it’s an ex, you obviously know them in completely different ways, but it doesn’t matter anymore.
The real question is why are you letting yourself be upset by this? You know that Jack has always felt less by not getting chosen, why are you still letting it get to you??
If you want to shut them up and shut them down then do it. Do something. And then get over it.
Is Sam even into guys? That seems like an important detail. Jack just seems like he has some growing up to do.
It seems that Jack is still longing for Sam. Are you? Is Sam longing for anybody? This whole relationship/s has more knots than a commercial sized fish net! Here’s a thought. Everybody sit down together and tell the truth about your feelings. Be as clear and honest as possible. If nobody is romantically interested, problem solved. If somebody is, then it’s time to clear the air once and for all about the chances of it happening. If you are all “friends” and reasonably the group will survive this entanglement. This situation will take work, but the benefits will be lifelong. If it doesn’t survive, you will at least be clear of the confusion and petty backstabbing that’s been happening. Two of you are not happy and poor old Sam is stuck in the middle. You all owe each other the truth. Good luck to you all.
Why do you keep interacting with this? NTA for being upset but you’re an adult now and just need to stop entertaining this nonsense.
Tell them you’re not interested in this weird competition they have in their head, that your friendship with Sam isn’t their business just like the friendship between the two of them isn’t yours. Tell them, ideally in a way that’s embarrassing, that you have no interest in rehashing this constantly and that if he insists on making your ex a constant topic of conversation, you’ll stop hanging out with him.
YTA for continuing to argue about this. You should split up with Jack if he won’t let it lie.
Next time Jack is in a competitive mood about who is closer to sam, remind Jack that you had Sam’s weiner in your mouth, or clam on your tongue. I don’t know which is more applicable…