My partner (35M) and I (35F) lived in a motel for about five years after things went sideways financially. We finally caught a break and got into a really nice condo pretty fast, and at first everything felt amazing. I grabbed a few basics off Facebook Marketplace a rug, a couch, a TV stand just to get us started.Here’s where it got messy.
My mom is Nigerian and super Type-A (IYKYK) My dad is basically the Mr. Rogers type and usually just goes along with whatever she decides. Since we moved in, they’ve been here almost every day adding stuff. And I mean everything both bathrooms, the dining room, kitchen, living room furniture, decor, pictures, all of it. They’re basically paying for and setting up the whole place. They can afford it because they’re both RNs, and my mom actually has a really good eye for decorating. Only bit of input I’ve added has just been color schemes. I’ve been letting her run with it and thanking her because she keeps saying she’s been waiting to do this since we lost our house during Covid. The thing is, my partner and I did have our own ideas, we just can’t afford to do everything at once. While I did initially try to tell my mom our vision, she kind of shot all the ideas I had down to a degree, plus she’s not an online shopper and a large majority of what we want would need to be ordered, so it just not realistic for my parents and not financially possible for us. I tried to explain to him that this is just temporary and that once we’re in a better spot financially, we can slowly swap things out for stuff that actually feels like us. That worked for a couple days, and then last night he completely snapped. He said it feels like we’re “faking it,” like people will come over and know we didn’t buy any of this ourselves. He also says he doesn’t have a say in our own home, which… yeah, I get that, but honestly neither do I. At the same time, I know my parents especially my mom would be really hurt if I suddenly told them to stop helping or that I didn’t like what they picked. I told him I just want the place to look nice. We only get one first impression, and he invited a coworker over this weekend so that made me want it to feel even more put together. I also told him again that we can change things later when we actually have the money. Now today he’s still upset and basically hasn’t talked to me. So I’m sitting here wondering if I’m actually the asshole for wanting our place to look nice, even if most of it is because my parents helped
YTA
It is your job to protect your partner from your parents’ excess. You failed miserably.
You are a conflict avoider. To avoid conflict with your mom, instead of setting a boundary when you should have, you let her bulldoze her, sacrificing your partner in the process.
Now? Now that you know you need to do something, you are worried about upsetting your mamma, and still sacrificing your partner.
You are so worried about how others might think of you, you keep on sacrificing the person who matters most: your partner.
You are a huge partner. If you don’t course correct, you should lose your partner.
##Conflict avoidance is a losing life strategy.
And it invariably makes you an AH.
YTA you married to your mom or your partner?
The appearance of your home isn’t the issue.
The issue is that you’re prioritizing your mother over your partner.
YTA for that – you need to have talk with your parents.
ps> Why not go shopping WITH them, either in person or online?
Yikes.
So you and your partner get to live in your mom’s idea of home. I’d be pretty pissed of to.
Step one, acquire boundaries and a shiny spine.
Is this what life will look like with you? That your parents get to decide everything for you? Think of this from your partner and also your view. Is this truly what you want? What if you have children? Do your parents get to take over too?
You’re getting treated like a child. You can’t even have your confo in the colours you want. Sheesh.
YTA
You’re an adult.
>He also says he doesn’t have a say in our own home, which yeah, I get that, but honestly neither do I
Yes you do. It’s your condo.
>We only get one first impression, and he invited a coworker over this weekend so that made me want it to feel even more put together
You have larger problems than a first impression from a co-worker. For instance, your relationship.
Your mom is out of control. She’s caught up in a buying frenzy, without restraint. However, the lack of restraint comes from you: you’re not saying no, and your relationship is suffering because of it.
YTA
>He also says he doesn’t have a say in our own home, which… yeah, I get that, but honestly neither do I.
Then grow up and cut the damn cord. YTA, both to your partner and yourself.
>I tried to explain to him that this is just temporary and that once we’re in a better spot financially, we can slowly swap things out for stuff that actually feels like us. That worked for a couple days, and then last night he completely snapped.
I am Nigerian so yes, I understand you 100% enough to say YTA.
Your mother should focus all that energy at her house. This is yours with your partner. And let’s not pretend this is the only boundary your mother doesn’t respect. YOU need to protect your partner from her.
YTA. If your mum wanted to help, she would give you the money to create your own home. What she wants is control and you’re allowing it. Your poor partner is being sidelined in his own home because you won’t put your mother in her place. If you value your relationship, then tell her to stop now.
YTA. What your mom is doing is controlling as fuck.
YTA 100% no question. You are prioritizing your mums feelings over your partners and you have zero plans of ever prioritizing him. That’s not right. It’s unfair to him. Strengthen your spine. What are you so damn afraid of? What changes if your mum gets pissed off? Not much cause you don’t live with her. What happens if you piss your partner off? You end up single. Does that really seem to be a worthwhile choice for you to make? This is all a bit pathetic tbh.
YTA. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You aren’t wrong for wanting a nice house. You need a figure out a way to make it clear to your mom that you appreciate her help, but she needs to check in with you first
I think if you’re honest with yourself, you’d admit that it’s not going to be that easy to discard the stuff from her when you’re ready
I don’t care where your mother is from (I know mothers from other ethnic backgrounds who overstep, it’s not limited to one nation), that kind of behavior is MASSIVELY overstepping!
You got married, so it’s time to prioritize your partner over your mother. You are a married woman, act it.
Your mother wouldn’t let someone choose her decor.
Yta. She let you live in a hotel for years but all of a sudden can help decorate. You are not listening to your husband and it’s going to cost you your marriage. Tell your mom thank you for all your help but we really want to get some things ourselves.