Leading up to this point, I (28M) have been spending mostly every Christmas together with my brother, sister, mother, and any of their significant others. Because everyone is starting their own families though, we were planning on having our big Christmas get-together on the eve so everyone can do their own thing on the day.
At the same time, my Stepdad’s mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness (MSA I believe) and likely won’t last another year. As a result, my Mom and Stepdad decided to move her into their living room and hired someone to stay with her and help her with her basic needs. This was very nice of them and I don’t question their decision to do this, but it leads to the situation at hand.
We are all planning to go to my Mother’s house to celebrate the eve, which is A-okay to us, but my mom wants me to come over Christmas day and hang out a majority of the day since I am the only one in the family without a significant other. I don’t want to do this since I would feel uncomfortable chatting it up while my Step-grandmother is bedridden in the other room. I would rather just stay home and do my own thing at that point. WIBTA if I don’t go to my Mom’s house Christmas day? If it means anything, my Stepdad and Step-grandmother are Jewish so they don’t even celebrate Christmas.
So…. what you’re saying is you’re uncomfortable with this old dying lady even existing in a room where you don’t have to look at her?
YTA.
A little bit, yes. I would be hanging out with my mom in the adjacent kitchen with only a screen wall so while I wouldn’t see her, I could still hear her and any medical machine that is running, so I’d feel weirded out.
Thanks for clearing that up. Yeah. You’re an asshole.
No one is asking you to talk to her. No one is asking you to care for her. No one is asking you to care about her. She’s simply living, existing, in a room adjacent to yours. She’s not bothering you.
Let me draw you a parallel. Imagine you had gay neighbors. You might see them in passing, but once they’re inside their home, you don’t see them. You might hear their music or tv or maybe an argument. But other than that, they simply exist in the periphery. Are you bothered by them existing? Probably not. Because you’re not a bigot (hopefully).
Now imagine if you were a bigot. Nothing has changed, these people simply live their lives being gay, but in the back of your mind you’re just furious at that fact and now you wanna move out because you can’t stand to have gay neighbors.
That’s how you sound about this poor lady. You can decide to not go to your mom’s place for any reason. Other plans? Sure. Long drive? Sure. Have to work? Understandable.
Because you ***might*** see or hear an old lady who is dying? Asshole.
That’s a problem you should probably work on. Your step grandma is a full on human being entitled to respect as she exits this life. She’s not some weird … inconvenience. Do you think your mind can make the flip from inconvenience to person with dignity by Christmas?
Some people are uncomfortable with that and it’s not a close family member of his, why is his discomfort not ok?
As a 43F that took many years to finally assert to my mother that I would be doing my own thing for Christmas, you don’t really need a reason. You are an adult with free will.
Your mom may not like it and pitch a fit. With each year that goes by mine ramps her shit up. Not knowing if that takes place in your family, just a heads up that it comes with asserting your own life sometimes.
Soft YTA, some people have hangups when it comes to illness and death, I’m one of those people as well so I feel you. Perhaps Mom wants some extra company to lighten her spirits on Christmas day. Taking care of someone with a terminal illness is hard, sad and lonely work. Compromise maybe? Stop by with a coffee and treat, give her a hug, wish her a Merry Christmas, ask if she needs anything before the gathering in the evening, then move along making your “Christmas Rounds”. I assume everyone is showing up later for the gathering?
NTA
Just on title alone, without reading anything, you would never be the asshole for deciding to spend Christmas where ever you wish.
I don’t think anyone should be called an asshole simply because choose what is best for them.
You aren’t hurting anyone.
If your mom loves you unconditionally, which she should, she will understand.
If she does make a big deal about it she is the asshole
I’ll avoid the topic of if anyone is an AH, because I really don’t think it’s constructive.
You can always say no, without giving a reason.
You don’t have to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable and you have already agreed to a Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve.
The relationship you have with the Step-Grandmother is the key here.
If you don’t really have a relationship with her, spending all day in her company might be very awkward. If you do have a positive relationship, it might be nice to swing by.
Even then, you’ll be around her on Christmas Eve anyway.
NTA – Tell your mom, without details, that you have other plans. Tell her that you will enjoy seeing everyone on the 24th as planned, but you’re not available on Christmas Day. You don’t need to give a reason or tell anyone what you are up to.
You have plans with yourself.
“I’m sorry, mom, I already have plans. But I will see you on the 24th.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m busy mom, but I made time for our family on the 24th.”
“Who are you seeing? Why can’t you come over?”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Mom. I’m making time on the 24th and will see you that day.”
“Just tell me what you are up to.”
“I’m unavailable.”
PS. If she won’t accept that boundary you have much bigger issues at hand. A parent should understand and RESPECT it when their adult child says a clear no – and doesn’t offer a reason why.
NTA
“Thanks for the invitation, Mom, but I’ve decided to have a quiet day yo myself on Christmas Day. There’s a book to read/game to play/puzzle to do that I’m really looking forward to. I’ll see you in Christmas Eve instead.”