My M roommate F and I play this little known game called OSRS. pretty much all the time at our stay at home jobs. Like most MMORPGs there is a clan system in which you can apply for clans and interact with the community within. She found a clan that accepts only women called "Girlinor" (it’s a pun off the name of the world the game is based in called "Girlinor" which I think is sick asf). Let me preface that I 1 billion percent understand why a community of women wouldn’t want to accept sweaty greasy gamer boys like myself into their safe space, and I would never seriously try to weasel my way in there. Regardless, this clan fucking rocks. The people she tells me about just seem so lively and vibrant, doing events, challenges, ect together in a supporting enviornent you don’t typically get when dealing with the typical fanbase. While she was telling me a story about an interaction being discussed in the chat I said "you should tell them your Male friend is willing to get a sex change in order to join the clan". Now. This was said in jest, with full respect for the clan and it’s values, and with no malice towards transgender members which are allowed in the clan as well. Also, while I understand what kind of ripple this would create if a post like that hit the chat, I also kinda don’t. Especially not to the reaction my friend had when she said "jokes like that aren’t acceptable in today’s society" to which we debated for a short time, but it got me thinking: am I the asshole for having made a joke like that? It had nothing to do with the trans community, nothing to do with prejudice or judgement, and just seemed like a little hee hee ha ha moment. Definitely not the best joke, obviously, but does it make me an ASSHOLE for thinking it wasn’t that bad?
Might be worth noting all parties are their born gender and completely platonic friends
This is one of the kinds of “jokes” that you may not feel are so bad, but could really hurt someone.
As a woman, I’m reminded of having men joke things like, “He must be on his period” or “stop being such a girl” when someone is emotional. A “joke” on its face, but it’s a joke at the expense of others. It’s a joke that is based on ideas of women being lesser than men. So it’s not funny or acceptable.
You had fine intentions with your joke – trying to compliment the all-women clan. But your joke was at the expense of the reality of trans people, for whom a sex change is actual serious business and for whom life is RIFE with incredible challenges that you as a cis person have no understanding of. So you were making light of their plight, as if a sex change is nothing and as if it can be just something you get a laugh from.
I will say a gentle YTA. Apologize and use this as a learning experience. If the group doesn’t accept the apology then it would be ESH. This wasn’t a major faux pas and doesn’t deserve shunning, but it was correct to be called out.
It sounds to me like your joke was completely innocent. NTA
NTA for the joke.
For not reading the room, a bit YTA.
Maybe just own it (to your friend) as a misplaced sentiment. You think they’re all cool and you wish you met the guidelines to hang.
NTA. Your friend is nuts.
Your joke was not made at the expense of anyone, to the contrary, it was made out of admiration and a desire to join a group.
Trans people are preoccupied with their own personal journey, and couldn’t give s\*\*\* unless someone was being insulted, and what you said had nothing to do with insulting anyone.
I don’t get how people like her think and manage to find negativity anywhere all the time, constantly, does she ever laugh, smile or appreciate anything?
YTA. Gender dysphoria is incredibly painful and not remotely funny. Sex reassignment surgery is vital healthcare many cannot access. There are people who have lost their lives over not having access to gender-affirming healthcare. Imagine finding a group who have bonded over dealing with chemo and “joking” about giving yourself cancer. It’s not funny and your roommate is correct.
Where’s the joke? What’s so funny about sex changes or transgender people? Just our mere existence is funny or…?
The joke is about competing identities. I want to identity with this group so much I would give up another identity that is so intrinsically meaningful to me. It relies upon the fact that the teller is known to be cis, so the idea of a cis person transitioning to join a group is absurd because no one would choose to be trans because they want to join a video game clan. The teller feels safe telling this because they know the trans experience is difficult and arduous so the idea of going through all that process for a game is obviously an exaggeration.
Let’s be clear: this joke only works when an ally tells it.
The problem is that the topic is fraught and people are understandably on edge looking for shitty people because the shitty people are everywhere.
i think the point was more “this group is so cool and awesome i’d do anything to be a part of it”, not that’s trans people are funny and being laughed at. i think it landed poorly, but don’t think there was any malice behind it to be honest.
NTA, I’m trans and wouldn’t really bat an eye at “I’d transition to get xyz” jokes if they’re coming from someone who’s chill with trans people. We kinda have to let cis people joke around like this because you never know whos actually toying with the idea of transitioning and broaching it as a joke.
If the joke didn’t land, don’t make it again, and don’t double down on a joke that isn’t working (just apologize and keep it pushing).
NTA, but I think people are missing the point of why it upset them. “Cis guys pretend to transition in order to gain access to women’s spaces” is a lie thrown around to libel trans people. You unintentionally seem to be supporting that idea.
I think it’s obviously a joke not related to that controversy, but a lot of how it’s received depends on your tone and previous attitude about those kinds of things.
YTA and this is why guys including and now especially you are not welcome 🤷♀️