We don’t live in the US so I apologize for my English in advance.
We’ve been no contact with in laws for several years due to a long history of drama. We’ve slowly allowed low contact in the last few months and the minimal FaceTime with the kids has been completely fine. No major boundaries have been crossed and my children have had a chance to develop somewhat of a relationship with my in laws. About 3 months ago, my FIL was diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer. Family determined it would be better for him and the rest of the family to move closer to more support, which we have completely backed. This has escalated to my in laws and their kids to potentially moving in with us for 6 months so he can start treatment and they can have enough time to get stabilized and get their own place. I am nervous about this. It is not something we offered, but it has slowly been pushed onto us. I want to help where we can, but we’ve had such a tumultuous relationship over the last several years, I don’t know if I can open up my home to all of that. 6 months could easily turn into longer, and we wouldn’t be able to financially take on 4 people at a moments notice. Knowing the history, they would very likely not financially contribute to anything, and we would be tightly trying to fit 6 adults plus my small children into a very small home. My in laws also have a history of making their best efforts to get between my husband and I, and I don’t know if I could deal with any of that. I also don’t know how I can turn away someone hurting at such a delicate time in their life. More importantly, I have no idea how to address this with my husband who is already suffering so much from this situation and trying to brace for losing a parent. I don’t know what to do. AITA? Do just get over myself and allow them to move in?
NTA
They haven’t crossed boundaries, they’ve eroded them but using guilt in an attempt allow 6 adults to move into your home.
Other than yourselves, what help are they moving close to?
Definitely dont allow it.
NTA
You and your husband have a *primary* duty to each other and to your children. His duty to his family-of-origin is *secondary* to that, no matter how difficult of a time he is going through. Your duty is to provide your kiddos with as stable a home as possible, and to guard against anything that would divide your family.
Excellent reply!!!
NTA best case scenario would be in that case you are divorced after 6 months and I bet you that all other options will be worse. I think that is the worst idea ever and will destroy your family.
NTA
What fresh hell is this?! It’s ludicrous to move during cancer treatment anyway because how are you supposed to have the energy for that. You need to speak to your partner about this, what are they saying? You need to lay out a reality check for them: who are the 4 people and what is their financial contribution going to look like, your bills will rise significantly with that many extra people in the home, the kids lives will suffer from such upheaval and having already been no contact you know these aren’t good people. This is an absolute no. There’s a saying in the circle of those abused by narcissistic people: Christmas Cancer. Cancer is often thrown around by people who want to bein control and to get back into people’s lives, it’s used as a tool to gain sympathy and to allow them to treat others how they please. You are walking, eyes wide open, into a Disaster. You have to have a serious with your spouse about stopping any further talk of this happening.
Yup. I dated a guy with a narcissist mother, who stopped speaking to him for two years because he refused to leave me. She hated everyone he chose to date, because she was supposed to be the most important person in his life.
Then she was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, used that to make up with him, slowly manipulated him into trusting her again (when he knew better) and eventually guilted him into leaving me to marry her niece as her stand-in in his life, to ensure she would stay in control even after she passed.
So I agree absolutely, having seen it happen myself.
First thing – you absolutly need to talk to your husband asap. Make him see all your fears and the mentioned here points. This is a very important moment for your marriage – if he doesnt support you its time to rethink the relation. You are not obliged to change your life totaly for worst to help this people. Things like this cant be solved by pushing. You need to stand firm. Help where you can but not by ruining your life.
NONONONONONONO!!!!
DO NOT let them move in with you. Any progress you’ve made in your relationship with them would be destroyed within 72 hours. This is a recipe for disaster.
I understand that your husband is suffering from the anticipatory grief of losing his father. However, does he also want to lose his marriage and time with his children? The strain all around would be unbearable. If he seems determined to move them in with you, just calmly tell him you and the kids will be leaving, that there is no way for that many people to live comfortably together (especially in a house that wasn’t built with that many people in mind), and that he’ll be getting the divorce papers from your lawyer as soon as you can get it scheduled.
It sounds cruel to tell him this, I know. However, you’ve looked at the situation being proposed and found it untenable. Your marriage vows said that you would prioritize each other over anyone else, and he’s proposing to break those vows. He may have good intentions, but the old saying is “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”
Good luck, OP. Stay strong.
NTA
“Magically erases other issues, past, present, and future” is not part of a cancer diagnosis.
Regardless of what you choose to do, you absolutely need to voice your concerns to your husband. He may be bracing to lose a parent now, but the alternative is bringing it up when he’s mourning a parent.
And if they do move in, that friction and stress could quickly add a divorce to the mix. So you need to find out your husband’s thoughts on the matter and make sure he knows yours.
You cannot let them move in.
It will end your marriage.
Do *not* let them commandeer your life and marriage.
I don’t know how to tell you to approach this with your husband but just from what you have said I can already tell, these are not people you want in your house indefinitely.
No one ever adheres to, “it’ll just be <insert number> weeks/months. If you aren’t okay with them staying longer than they asked, don’t let them move in. Otherwise you’re basically risking being the person that evicted them, and that is way worse than being the person who couldn’t spare their home to another family.
NTA
You’re not making his cancer diagnosis about you THEY are making his cancer diagnosis into a SCAM to come and leech off of you.
It’d be different if he was all alone, but take a step back and look at the size of the manipulation: why do FOUR adult people need to move into your home when only ONE is sick?
Answer: because it is NOT about cancer.
Call it out.
Why would 4 adult people not contribute to food and lodging. No one has a job, out of 4 adult people? How are they managing where they are at? That’s why they want to move with you. No. The answer is no, not all 4, not just the folks, not just your FIL.
NTA. Personally I would also be against them moving in. It might sound harsh, but you already mentioned that your relationship with your in-laws hasn’t been good for years, and you only recently allowed limited contact again. Going from that to living together sounds like a huge leap.
It may sound cruel, but the place that is supposed to feel the most comfortable for you could easily turn into the most stressful place in less than 48 hours. And that kind of discomfort rarely gets easier with time.
Also, “six months” rarely stays six months in situations like this.
One thing I’m curious about though — are the other two children minors? If they’re adults, why are they all planning to move into your house?
Just tell him it’s your belief your marriage and sanity will not survive this. It’s impossible and can’t happen. If they have nowhere to live if they move closer then they need to stay put. It will be misery for you. Don’t do this to yourself. You don’t owe them anything. Your husband can go to them and help if he wants but it cannot be in your home. Just tell him. They don’t get to force this misery on you.