I have spent almost 20 years with a man that we have had many ups and downs with both of our families, his friends, and it hasn’t been easy, but he has always been worth it in my book. However, he has this new friend that is female that he continuously lies to me about and expects me to trust that there’s nothing more than a friendship, yet he changes the lock on his phone if anyone finds out what it is and has been caught talking about me badly to her and I’m not supposed to be upset. Am I the asshole for making him choose me or her, or should I just let it go?
NTA. Trust your gut. Sneaky behavior obviously means he’s hiding something.
Rule 8. NTA for asking him to choose but maybe naïve if you think that will just happen. Liars gonna lie. Suppose he says “I choose you, baby.” What does that prove? Looks like just another lie to me. Letting go sounds like the better move.
NTA. Something is up if he changed his lock screen password and you don’t know, and you don’t know this new friend of his. Also, talking bad about an SO is a red flag. Cut ties and move through it. I am truly sorry you have to go through this OP.
Baby ur being tah to yourself. I generally hate the you don’t owe anyone anything movement but if you need to make someone decide, and they are not actively choosing you… don’t do that to yourself. you ARE worth more.
This would be better suited for r/relationshipadvice
you are responsible for your own choices not his
Sorry to say but that’s not his new friend, that’s his new girlfriend. NTA but you might want to get your affairs in order and be prepared to leave.
This is likely more than a new friend, unfortunately, OP. He’s changing his passcodes and you’ve already caught him talking poorly about you to her.
I understand almost 20 years might seem like a lot to throw away, but your feelings, wants, needs and sanity are more important than dealing with this. Make all the arrangements you need to, and leave. NTA
Maybe you should just let HIM go? YTA to yourself. It never ends well when you’re abusive to yourself.
NTA.
– already lied more than once
– yet expects you to blindly trust
– suspiciously secretive
– villainizes you / victimizes himself in convo
– doesn’t take your emotions seriously
He doesn’t deserve a choice. This loser is dead weight. You’re too good for him & always have been.
Why do you want someone who you don’t trust, talks badly about you, and is secretive about what he’s doing with his phone? What makes him worth the anxiety, humiliation, and hurt? No one can make that evaluation but you; however, beware the sunk cost fallacy.
Explain to him that you are jealous with recent developments and are going to distance yourself. If he wants to save the relationship he will. If not, the ball was in court and he decided not to play.
He’s not going to choose you. You know that.
Why are you giving all the power to him?
NTA