I (21F) live in India. My parents have been on my case about marriage since I finished undergrad. I keep telling them I want to do my Master’s abroad (US/UK) and actually start my career, but they mostly just ignore me and keep making profiles for me on matrimonial sites. Well, last week they found a match. He’s 27 and finishing up his medical residency. He comes from a really wealthy family, and my mom is acting like we won the jackpot. She keeps saying stuff like, "He’s so rich, and his family is progressive, they’ll even allow you to work!" (Gotta love that "allowing" me to work is considered a huge flex).I met him twice. Both times our parents were literally sitting in the living room while we awkwardly talked on the balcony. He’s objectively good-looking, but he’s a total stranger. And honestly, he was kind of condescending. He was already talking about how he prefers a "quiet home life" and asking if I knew how to cook his favorite meals.I told my parents absolutely not. I’m 21. I haven’t even lived my life yet. Now my house is a nightmare. My dad won’t look at me, and my mom is doing the classic emotional blackmail thing crying, saying I’m humiliating them in front of our community, and bringing up all the money they spent on my education like I owe them a marriage as [repayment.To](http://repayment.To) make matters worse, our parents exchanged our numbers without asking me, and the guy texted me today saying I’m being immature and that "love grows over time." My phone is currently blowing up with texts from extended family calling me a spoiled brat for throwing away a rich doctor for a "selfish fantasy."I feel like I’m going crazy. On paper he’s a great catch, and I feel guilty for tearing my family apart over this, but I don’t want to marry someone I barely know. AITA?
NTA. While I’m not exactly 100% educated on culture and how hard it is to leave home for Indian women, I can say that this is not fair to you. If you can, leave without your parents support. It’ll be hard but the freedom to make your own choices will change your life.
NTA, coming from similar backgrounds myself, refuse to be blackmailed and cut ties with them if they insist. Your life, your rules!
NTA but man this is so far out of the scope of AITA and my personal experience that it can’t be seen from space.
If I were talking to someone from my own culture, I would say 21 is much too young to marry nowadays, especially to someone who is approaching 30. Is it possible to be financially independent from your parents, or are you still in education? I too live in a culture where people live with their parents until marriage, though marriages aren’t arranged here, and young people are starting to move out earlier nowadays. So I understand that moving out seems like a big step, but so does getting married at 21. The guy’s statement that “love grows over time” is what arranged marriages have been based on forever, but usually the couple is around the same age (there is an emotional gap between 21 and 27 which can’t be bridged by glib statements) and are both willing.
Also, I have serious issues with a man who insists on marrying someone who’s clearly unwilling.
>Also, I have serious issues with a man who insists on marrying someone who’s clearly unwilling.
This part especially.
NTA: this is emotional manipulation from all sides. I have so much empathy for you and I wish you all the best! Stay strong, you are a young, likely brilliant girl and you deserve to be able to grow into the woman you are 💕
Definitely NTA.
I’m a south Asian girl in her twenties too (but living in the West). They can tell you however much they want about who you should marry. At the end of the day though, *you* are the one who has to live through it. *You* are the one spending the rest of your life with that person. If he makes you unhappy, no one can take bear that unhappiness for you.
And I agree that he doesn’t even seem like that great of a catch. He’s already implying that you’d be the one cooking and cleaning for him? And I bet that if he “allowed” you to work, he’d still expect that from you. Same with continuing your education: he’d probably force you to put “taking care” of him above your studies. Not worth it.
OP, listen to this comment. Desi girls understand your struggle. I always tell other desi women that society and parents aren’t gonna live your life for you. YOU are the one who’s gonna wake up next to that man every day for the rest of your life, even long after your parents die. I escaped my abusive parents and arranged marriage, and found a man I truly love. My life is pretty much near perfect because of it. We have problems (finances, career, health, etc) but I always know I have someone who’ll do anything to make me happy.
Also, “allowing” you to work isn’t as great as you think either. I knew a rajasthani woman who said her in laws let her work, but what that meant in practice is that she worked her stressful corporate job, did ALL the housework, AND was the only one looking after the baby. She barely slept.
Saying this as a fellow Indian girl, DO NOT marry this guy. You’re 21, you’re a baby. Focus on getting into a good university and go outside and study. You can spin it as studying abroad will get you better rishtas. I wouldn’t recommend the US though. They have a terrible pol climate at the moment and their immigration system is incredibly unstable. Check out Canada, UK, EU etc.
Sorry not sorry but your country needs to get with the times. I’ll take the downvotes for people who think this is racism but I compare arranged marriages to female genital mutilation.
OP you are NTA and I’m rooting for you to marry for love not convenience or parental wishes.
This guy is rude and entitled.
If keeping your freedom means you are an asshole, then be the asshole. Stay strong in your decision and don’t back down. I know it’s a cultural thing, and they want what they think is best for you, but your parents live in a bubble of delusion. Do what you set up to do, go study abroad and make your own success, be your own person. Don’t allow them to make you a slave to anyone. And rich doesn’t mean he’s a good person or even an emotional match for you. Rich means nothing. Who knows what sort of person lies beneath the surface. They don’t even know. Stay strong and free. Be selfish, be immature, be the reason for their humiliation, be everything they they throw at you if that is what it takes to be free. I think it would be best if you can speed up the process and move abroad as fast as possible. Maybe make this your priority. You don’t owe them anything other than respect and respect doesn’t mean letting them imprison you. Stay strong and be safe
DONT DO IT. An arranged marriage where you don’t seem to be super compatible might under certain circumstances be ok if y’all were 35+ or something. You are 21 and even he as a 27 year old is still pretty young (and too old for you lbr).
He also sounds spoiled and possibly misogynistic.
As a woman today the fact that you have a choice is the greatest privilege women from your bloodline have ever known. Don’t squander that for familial pressure. Pretty sure your parents would have made a different choice if they had been able to back in the day..
Nta. But, as someone who comes from a similar community, I would encourage you to do as my mother did: block your ah family and go live your goddamn life. Mom fell in love with a white man, my dad, and her mom refused to speak to him for YEARS. She literally lived with mom and dad when I was born and *still* wouldn’t acknowledge her son in law. Mom kept holding on to this hope her mother would come around. Spoiler: she did not. In fact, she was the kind of south Asian grandma that got mad when her grandson (my little brother) beat her in uno. Ya know, “respect your elders” and all that. So. Block everyone. Go to grad school abroad and stay abroad. Live your life.
NTA.
I will keep my opinions on arranged marriages to myself, and simply say:
THIS particular man they found for you is a walking parade of red flags.
You’re not even dating yet, and already he’s patronizing you, and criticizing you, and demonstrating some very dubious attitudes about the role of women.
He’s behaving like this towards a woman he hopes to attract, a woman he hopes will fall in love with him? This is his BEST behavior? God knows how much worse his behavior would be, how cruel he could become, if he actively grew to hate you – and if you marry him, he eventually will hate you.
Do everything you can to find a way out of this situation and build a happy and fulfilling life for yourself, even if it means being disowned by your family.
And keep telling yourself: “I am not the asshole here. THEY are.”
NTA. I’m Indian (born and raised in the US) so I can understand the cultural pressure many young women still get from their families to have an arranged marriage.
OP, since you’re done with undergrad, are you working? Is it possible for you to move from your parents’ house to a ladies hostel? Do you have friends that you could share a flat with? Or even find a job in a different city?
If you can’t convince your parents, and there’s no one in your family taking your side, you’ll need to be prepared to gain your financial independence and make your plans without their support. If you stay with your parents you may succumb to the pressure of getting married before you’re ready. I’ve unfortunately witnessed that happen multiple times.
If you can, living independently and working to save money so you can apply to Masters programs abroad is the best solution for you. Don’t tell your family what you’re planning ahead of time either, just do it without their knowledge. It will probably mean hurting your relationship with your parents and family, at least in the short term. But that’s the price you’ll have to pay in order to live your life on your terms, not theirs.
And whether you find someone on your own, or when you’re ready you have your family find someone for you, don’t get married until you feel you are ready for marriage and you feel comfortable with the person you’re marrying. It’s ok to take time to have a relationship with the person first before marrying them. You correctly identified the red flags of being “allowed” to work, that he wants a “quiet home life” and expects you to do the cooking. You deserve to have a supportive partner who will treat you as an equal and share in the responsibility of running a household and raising a family.
Best of luck to you! The path you may decide to take may be difficult, but it will let you live your life, not the life your parents expect from you.