One day, my sister (38F) called me (40F) to invite me to her wedding. She told me it would be in one month at her home, which is about a 6-hour drive from my home. This was in 2022, around the time COVID restrictions were being lifted. She lives in a less restrictive area than we do, so her restrictions were lifted before ours were.
She had been with her partner for about 10 years at that point. My sister has two children (12 and 7). I was happy for her.
When she called, she informed me that I was a guest, not one of her four bridesmaids. She also told me she didn’t have room at her house because one of the bridesmaids was staying there. I’m not close with my sisters, so this was okay.
My husband and I started looking at how we could make this all work on such short notice. I was in an online graduate program and had a major project due the weekend of her wedding. My husband had an important work meeting on the Monday after that had been previously scheduled and he did not have the authority to reschedule.
My husband and I also have a 2-year-old whom we had finished toilet training that week and were trying to figure out how to not lose progress. We also discussed COVID safety because vaccines were not yet available for a child of his age.
We looked at hotels, and accommodations alone would cost us just over $1000, money we did not have to spare. My husband is not inclined to bend over backwards to make this work ever since he heard her say something that indicated she might be racist against him.
I called my mother to discuss this decision with her. She said that she thought my sister would understand. There was no discussion about helping with childcare while I finish my project or assistance with accommodations.
I called my sister about a week before the wedding to let her know about the decision and why. I expected her to be understandably upset. She started to unload on me on how she managed to juggle school and pulled her kids out of school to attend my 2018 wedding. This is true, but my parents paid for her room and watched her kids on a regular basis, including on this trip.
She also accused me of blocking her from meeting my son. When my son was born in 2019, she did not congratulate us on the birth and did not attempt to visit. In fact, during my baby shower, she threw a pity party, which some of my in-laws still talk about. She has not bothered to ask about him or wished him a happy birthday. I have made trips every few years to visit my family and send birthday gifts for her kids.
I got mad and told her that it must be nice to have my parents available to help care for her kids. She got mad at me and hung up.
She has not talked to me since that phone call. I still text her holiday and birthday greetings for her and her kids, so that she knows I am open to talking to her if she ever chooses to do so.
This has been eating at me for years…AITA for missing her wedding?
NTA: your sister is asshole
NTA she only gave you a month’s notice. During a time where there was covid restrictions and you had small kids. Sounds like she just wanted a reason to leave you out
NTA
NTA. You were not close with your sister, prior to her wedding, you weren’t to be in the wedding, you couldn’t afford it, when you called your mom, she didn’t offer you a place to stay, or any help. I’m assuming your sister gets her racist views from somewhere, your folks?
I honestly think you’re not missing anything, living your best life with your family is the only thing you can do.
NTA Enough time has passed that perhaps you can rebuild a relationship if she’s grown up and willing. If she’s still the same energy vampire, you are probably right to stay away.
NTA at all, you had significant competing priorities. But you should have told her immediately, not one week before the wedding.
Fair point. I’m not sure telling her earlier would have helped, but we spent those few weeks trying to figure out how to make it work.
She only gave you a month’s notice. NTA
This. I got a month’s notice for a cousin’s wedding that was an obvious gift grab. Such a short timeline means they don’t really want you there, unless everybody else is getting equally-short notice.
NTA
If she really wanted you there she’d had given you more than a month’s notice.
NTA: An invitation isn’t a summons and she didn’t give you enough time to prepare, especially since you were only a guest. It feels intentional. She’s not a good sister to you. Maybe it’s time to drop the rope and stop putting in effort when she won’t reciprocate.
NTA a month is not a lot of time to plan for this. Even if she was giving you a longer notice, an invite is not a summons and you are not required to go.
Just out of curiosity, were you the only one who got a month notice, or did everyone invited get a month notice?
NTA and you can let this go now. She sounds like a self centered narcissist that manipulated your parents who then catered to her. No more attempts to contact her, and move on with your life.
NTA and I’d stop texting. It’s been long enough if she wanted contact she’d respond. You did nothing wrong. The circumstances were completely different and if the story is as told she’s not a reasonable human. Stop letting guilt eat at you.