Context: I’m a homebody who left college to work (going back next year) and have almost no friends besides my BFF (20 F) – we’ve been close 4 years but rarely meet up. A week ago, I told my mom I’d be spending the entire day with her at the beach, and she agreed it was fine.
What happened: I left at 9:30 AM. By 1 PM, I’d put my phone away – we were busy talking, taking photos, eating, and sunbathing, so I lost track of time. When I checked at 4 PM, there were tons of missed calls and messages from my mom cursing me out and demanding my location. She even called my dad (parents are separated – he’s a cheater, alcoholic, and abusive, so I have no relationship with him) to search the city for me.
When I called back, she screamed so loud my friend heard every curse word. I was mortified and held back tears in front of the only person I really hang out with. I apologized to my friend right away, but we had to cancel coffee because mom ordered me to meet her at our area’s transport terminal.
She came on her motorcycle. As we drove, she said she was just worried and acted out of love. We stopped at a food stall where she talked nonstop – then said: “Won’t you forgive your apologizing, concerned mother?” Her voice was sharp and her face tight – it wasn’t sincere at all. It felt like she resented having to say it, like I’d wronged her.
I stayed quiet when she asked twice. Finally I said she was unreasonable because she knew I’d be gone all day. She shot back: “No matter how old you get, I’ll always look after you – you’re my daughter.” This same thing has happened before – every time I don’t check my phone, she panics and blows up. She also called me someone who “always holds grudges.”
On the way home, I didn’t speak. She cried while driving, ranted more, then said “we should just stop caring about each other” and went silent. When we got home, she took my autistic little brother out and left me alone.
I get she was worried, but she humiliated me in front of my best friend – the only person I really have. I feel like she doesn’t respect that I’m an adult who can be trusted, even though I always share my plans (I never stayed out past 6 PM). I didn’t respond to her “apology” because it didn’t feel real. AITA for not just going along to keep the peace, even if it meant pretending her words and actions were okay?
Note: I’m not from the US – in our culture, living with parents until marriage is normal, and non-graduates have few job options in our small town, so moving out isn’t possible. English isn’t my first language – this is a rough translation.
Well, the issue here is that you have no boundaries.
She “ordered” you to meet her and you just.. did. Instead of hanging up on her and texting her that you are fine and you’ll see her later that night and that her behavior is wildly inappropriate and out of line.
She can’t emotionally regulate, and she makes that your issue.
NTA, I smell Narcisim
NTA your mom is insanely unreasonable and probably has a control kink or something.
NTA – she’s abusive and manipulative. End of.
NTA. I know it is hard but I’d get out as soon as you can, maybe see if BFF can help you or something.
I’d also reexamine your feelings about your father because if she treated him the same way, it’s a glimpse at your future if you stay living with her.
“Won’t you forgive your apologizing, concerned mother?”
This just reminds me of my manipulative controlling mother – she would say this kind of nonsense to try to guilt trip me
The sooner you can get in your own place (shared, on your own whatever) the better
NTA
“Won’t you forgive your apologizing, caring mother?”
*Sure, when I know what that actually looks like.’
It is time for you to stand up for yourself, if you want to. She is treating you like a child, and you are reacting to her as a child. I guess this is not the first time something like this has happened. If it happened again, I would not contact her until I got home. She is controlling you. Unless there is an actual emergency, why drop everything to go to her so she can pour her anger and fears on you?
NTA. I always wonder how this type of parents would be before mobile phones existed.
In the first half of the 80’s I was a teenager and I was regularly gone all day during summer. I always told my parents where I was going, but they weren’t able to contact me all day.
As long as I was home before dinner (or informed them that I wouldn’t), it was okay.
Well, I don’t know about any cultural issues, but I do have an opinion about people who behave outrageously and then fake apologize, expecting you to forget what just happened – which will invariably happen again, and it is not positive.
NTA – and I don’t think it’s holding a grudge to point out that she knew you were going to be out all day, and had no reason to expect to hear from you before 4 PM (or, actually, even later, depending on what is meant by “all day”). That’s actually exactly what you said, and her response seems to show that she doesn’t understand that if she knows you are going to be out for a certain period of time, she has no business calling and texting you then. That’s not looking after you; that’s simply interfering unnecessarily in your ordinary life.
Maybe next time you go out tell her in advance that you will be home at a specific time, or call at a specific time, but otherwise you will not be answering your phone. I’m not sure it will help – people who are so involved in their daughter’s life that they can’t let them spend a day away from them without interruption often don’t understand that sort of request. On the other hand, it does set expectations, and then if you do turn your phone on, find lots of missed calls, and then she scolds you when you get home, you can simply say “I told you where I was going to be, when I was coming home, and that I wouldn’t be taking calls until the day was over” as often as needed.
You’re NTA. Your mom sounds uber controlling and totally unhinged. Doesn’t she remember a time when everyone didn’t have a cellphone? *Gone for the day* meant incommunicado, *I’ll see you when I see you.*
It was so much more peaceful in so many ways.
NTA. It’s okay to expect respect and sincerity, especially when you’re an adult making your own choices. Holding space for your feelings doesn’t make you unreasonable it shows you value healthy boundaries.
NTA. Her insecurities don’t give her a right to scream at you. You communicated and told her exactly whom you’d be with, and even where. Why didn’t she just drive herself there to check if she couldn’t reach you on phone? No. You don’t have to accept her apology. Sorry about that embarrassment and being yelled at. 🫂🫂🫂
Instead of making excuses for why you are stuck in this situation (culture, can’t move), make a plan.
Your mom didn’t give a sincere apology so there was no reason to accept – she’s just going to keep you under her control as long as you allow this. You are intelligent. You have a bf and are on Reddit so are not alone. You are only the AH if you remain in this situation.