Last night around midnight, an estranged friend (\~25M) of mine came knocking at my (25M) front door looking extremely disheveled and dirty. This friend, whom I haven’t heard from in 5ish years came to see if I could fulfill a promise we made when we were in middle school.
Said promise was something like, "no matter what, the more successful one of us will house the other if they can’t keep themselves on their own two feet," and it was obvious he wanted to see if I could keep my promise.
Here’s the thing though, it was obvious that my friend was an addict of sorts, visually at least and from the smell coming off of him. With the fact that I also don’t know what he’s been up to for the past few years, I don’t know if he is dangerous or not, nor if I could fully trust him.
With the additional pressure of having my family with me (Grandma, wife, and toddler twins), I ultimately rejected him, albeit gently and turned him away. My reasoning is that I couldn’t deal with the risk I am putting onto my family.
Also, I have personal experience with the unpredictability and dangerousness of addicts in my field of work, and I don’t know if my friend is one such dangerous person which also adds onto the risk.
So, AITA?
NTA, this is not the sort of situation you want to invite into your home
Nah, addicts are…not easy to deal with. You got a life and responsibilities too
NTA. People grow apart. If you haven’t seen this person in 5 years, you don’t know them anymore. If he wanted you to keep your promise, he needs to rebuild a relationship with you first. He needs to ask you questions and let you ask him questions. You would need to know everything about his situation before you’d let him live in your house. Showing up randomly to cash in on a decade-old promise as a first point of contact is not a positive sign.
They were in middle school when they made those promises! The guy is a drug addict. NTA! Protect your family.
From someone who has been an addict and known many, there are two kinds. The one you can’t tell, holds a job, is fine. By the smell and look, that was the bad one. When I was an addict I wouldn’t let them in my place let alone stay there.
Nta these comments are wild. Since when is someone held to something they said in middle school? there’s a reason middle schoolers can’t sign contracts or anything like that
sometimes you gotta put your family’s safety first, that promise isn’t worth risking them
NTA – sorry but after 5 years of no contact, that promise is nothing. Childhood promises as adults are null and void. because you make them without knowing what life is going to bring.
NTA! This person is a stranger at this point. Many of us have lost touch with classmates after high school graduation.
The Y T As are fascinating. These people are saying you should offer him a motel room. Which makes you responsible for any damage done to the room. And what if the addict “friend” refuses to leave the room? The people on this post do not know your financial situation. You do not owe this man anything.
Take care of your family first.
NTA.
I honestly cannot believe some of the other comments in this thread. No one in the right mind would let an addict into his home where his kids are.
With that, if you wanted to deliver on your promise, you could certainly help him get back on his feet with a meal, night at a hotel, get him to an addiction center, etc.
Honestly, and I’m sure this makes me an asshole, but been there done that, don’t put an addict up in a hotel on your dime. There’s a high probability you’ll end up on the hook for a LOT more money than the nights stay.
It sucks for ex friend, but op did the right thing. No point in dragging themself and their family into the bottomless pit of addiction.
NTA
1. Childhood promises are not lifetime promises. (There’s a reason children aren’t allowed to sign contracts!)
2. The person who came to your door was a complete stranger to you. You had had no contact for FIVE YEARS. You have no way of being sure how safe or dangerous they are – other than the signs of drug abuse and very rough living.
3. You have young children and an elderly woman and your wife living in your home. Your first duty is to them and their safety and well-being.
Your childhood friend didn’t come to you when he first became homeless or lost his job; he didn’t come to you when things had been going south for a month or two or three. You were not on his mind; nor was that childhood promise. He took a chance on an old memory that happened to resurface.
My daughter and her best friend in kindergarten had plans to make a home in a ditch next to the highway where it splits between the two colleges they thought they would someday go to. (My daughter picked her choice of school because their uniforms were purple.) They LOVED their plan. So glad no one expects them to keep that commitment.
NTA and I’m a bit shocked by people saying otherwise.
You made a promise *as a child*. You are not responsible for “keeping” that promise as an adult. That is an unrealistic and problematic expectation.
I imagine your friend understands this to some capacity because it sounds like this was a desperate last resort.
That’s heartbreaking and if you had unlimited power and resources it would be immensely kind to choose to help him by paying for a treatment facility.
However, my guess is you do *not* have unlimited resources. You also have little to no knowledge about what your friend actually needs.
You can feel sad that your former friend is in this position and feel sad that you don’t have the capacity to help him. You can, in fact, feel however you like. But you shouldn’t feel guilty.
Why does this person know where you live