So my boyfriend and I have been together two years now. I was previously living in his house, things got very rocky between us for other reasons (one of which was financial), and he decided to go on a short break (monogamous).
During my boyfriend’s time of self-reflection, he decided that he wanted to move in with his childhood friend to save more money. He was tired of renting and having little to no money left at the end of the month. They both planned it out and even had their parents involved to help finalise this. He also wanted to learn to drive, get a car etc. which he showed me images of. He sounded very sure. Our goals lined up perfectly as I wanted to save to pay into a house as well – he said he’d also help and we’d do this together once he bought his car.
Personally I’ve seen what having a lack of money has done to him (even when I was contributing towards things), the unhappiest I’ve seen him is because it’s related to his finances.
He kept this idea of moving going for a couple of months. I was also preparing for this change in my own individual therapy. His mother also came to talk to us about it all too, hell we sat and spoke about this for an hour!
As time went by, I noticed he wasn’t giving a proper timeframe to move. It went from November, to the start of Jan, to the end… now he broke to me he won’t be moving at all. He told me it will cost too much to travel to work as well as other things – did he not think this through? It feels like excuses.
Anyway. We had literally previously agreed that moving in together right now was too much… however now he threw out the idea that I could move back in, so that he can save that way instead (as I’ll be contributing again).
AITA for saying no?
So he wanted to move separately to live with his friend and save money, now just doesn’t want to go back living with you?
Without further context ill say NTA and it sounds like hes trying to split up without doing it himself. But that is purely based on this post and not knowing anything about your relationship.
He wants OP to move back in so he can save money. That’s not splitting up, but that IS treating OP like a convenient option.
Can you give your ages?
I’m 27, he’s 31
I’d say you are making the right choice. NTA. He still has some growing up to do.
Thank you 🙂
When you’re involved with someone romantically it can feel so guilty saying no, especially when I have seen how much he can struggle – at the same time he’s still living in a two-bedroom house with an extra spare room downstairs and a garden that he and his ex got to rent together.
You are being smart!
NTA. You moved out because he wanted a break. Now his plans to move in with his friend fell through and he wants you to move back in with him?
Who cares if it’s viewed as “selfish” for you to not move back in with him! He didn’t care when he wanted a break and you moved out. He’s treating you like a convenient, money-saving option. If he said he doesn’t like living apart and that he wants to build your future together, that would be a different discussion (and I’d ask what’s changed). This is HIM being selfish – he wants to save money, and wants to use you to do so.
He said it’s not the only reason he wants me back and that he was afraid it would come across this way.
He understood when I said no. It’s confusing, because he was saying not long before that it’s good we are living apart for now, however once this conversation came up, me moving in also did too… I am disappointed that he changed such a big plan that would have given HIM and us a better future.
INFO
Where are you living currently OP? You mentioned you had moved out when he wanted a break. Did you move in with your folks?
I’m assuming he wants you to leave your current place to move back in with him?
I moved back in with my folks yes 🙂
He threw the idea of me moving back in yes, however this was after his plans changed.
I’ve been deadly honest that I don’t want to move in for the foreseeable. We had our plans to save individually for a very long time. I can’t just drop that plan after a couple of months… but I do feel like TA for saying this.
Ok, I’m pretty pragmatic about stuff that involves money. I will warn you about that upfront.
There is many a couple out there that have moved in together because financially it makes sense.
It appears that he is has done the numbers and determined that asking you to move back in makes more financial sense than moving in with his friend. I’m pretty impressed that he did the numbers, at least that’s a bonus, the man can math!
What doesn’t make sense is he is reverting *back* to a situation he had previously and determined that this is a sensible solution. I get that sometimes you find yourself in situation where you realise you were actually on a decent wicket to start with! A lot of kids move out of home and suddenly realise that had it better at home financially than they had realised! But at 31 years of age he isn’t a kid, and you are not his folks trying to teach him how to live independently. You are also not a trial subscription where he can trial stuff and move you around while he works out the best deal.
So? Bottom line? As both fully grown adults I think you at least need to step back and allow him to stabilise – emotionally, financially, goal development, life planning and the rest before you make another move.
There is nothing wrong with being *part* of his planning. Or in other words, building those plans jointly. In fact that’s often part of courting, building joint plans. But at the moment, he appears to be casting around trying to fit square pegs into round holes. You don’t want to be part of his financial plan for affordability while being the sacrifice for emotional well-being to make that happen. Does that make sense?
There needs to be a plan, a comprehensive one, a long term sustainable one. One that makes sense.
NTA – but be very careful. This seems flighty.
Thank you so much for your response.
I agree with everything you’re saying, I also like that you didn’t finger point or make him look bad. We can all be indecisive sometimes – eh?
I also agree with stepping back. My gut told me the same when I heard he isn’t moving in with his friend after all. It made me feel messed around.
I am happy being at home at the moment. Our relationship did hit a very rocky road and being back is giving me time and space to have more clarity. I am grateful my family have welcomed me back.
I’ve grown up a lot since he and I have been together, I notice a lot of changes in myself maturity wise. I have started saving a few months ago and intend to keep that going.