I (32F) have not been close to my father for almost 20 years. In early childhood he was a good dad, but when I was around 8 years old his mental health took a turn, he started withdrawing from us, my parents got divorced, and did some pretty horrible things. Not to us, at least nothing physical, but there was some serious neglect on his part. He did keep partial custody, but the damage was done and we just grew further and further apart. He has shown very little interest in my or my siblings lives, and at this point we only talk about 4-5 times a year.
Last week he called me out of the blue to tell me that there was a good chance he has a debilitating, degenerative illness, and that he will soon be getting an MRI to confirm. He does not want to speak to anyone else about it, and at this point it’s just me and his wife who know.
Obviously this is a personal crisis for him, he is very scared, and understandably he may not be making wise choices because he’s panicking.
The trouble comes here; he called me again a couple days ago, and told me he thinks his marriage is failing, and that he is worried about his future if he does have this disease. He then went on to ask me, in the event that his marriage does end, if I would agree to be his caretaker. His suggestion was that he would move closer to me, buy a duplex (so that I would live in one side rent free, and he would take the other unit), and help him as things progress. He did say that he would hire an actual caretaker to help as well.
I do not want to be part of this. I am not a nurturing person, by nature, and I don’t have a close enough relationship with him to want to spend large amounts of time with him. I am the only person in my entire state that he knows, and considering his unrelated personality issues I can’t imagine wanting to have him around my friends and loved ones even when he is in the best of health.
I don’t feel like I have the personal capacity or skill to handle any part of his care. I also don’t want to devote possibly decades of my life in increasing amounts to this.
I feel guilty, because I know those are selfish reasons, but I really don’t think this is a good idea in any form.
So AITA for not wanting to take care of a sick parent?
Edit: typo; pretty = forestry according to iPhone autocorrect apparently.
NTA. As you said, you’re not that close with him and you don’t feel like you have the personal capacity to handle it. Those are perfectly valid reasons. It’s okay to not want to be a caretaker, some people just aren’t suited for it.
NTA. Separately, I can almost guess the intention of typos, but you have me stumped. What is “forestry horrible” supposed to be?
*pretty horrible. Not sure why the iPhone thought that was a good correction.
At least it didn’t involve the harming of trees. 😁
NTA, ask him to hire a professional caretaker (since he was going to do that anyway) rather than rely on you. Preferably one specializing in forestry since that seems to be an important part of this story for some reason.
NTA, but you should reach out to his local government’s aging and disability services division to see what resources might be available for your dad. You’re not the right person to take care of him, and you feel guilty about that. Being able to refer him to the \*right\* people and services will help you both.
NTA if he’s got the money to buy a duplex he’s got money for a caregiver.
NTA. The only thing you owe an abusive parent is to help him get good care. This could include
1. talking to his doctors to find out what kind of care he will need, and
2. checking with government aging agencies and disability services to find out what is available and how THEY can help with funds and services.
3. You could also help check out possible caretakers.
Helping him get services is good, but There is NO obligation for you to PERSONALLY care for him in any way.
NTA. I’m a nurse and being a primary caretaker is HARD. You’re not being selfish saying you can’t do this. Better than agreeing now and bailing later. Or following through but doing the bare minimum. He needs to figure out a different plan that doesn’t involve you. That won’t be pleasant for him but that’s not your problem.
Why doesn’t he move into assisted living? He clearly has the $. NTA
NTA
Even without the backstory and his mental health issues, you are not TA for saying ‘no’ to a long-term commitment that you know is beyond your capacity.
In my family, I have a relative who is being supported in a very major way by my siblings and myself (one sibling carrying the largest brunt of the burden). We love this relative who lived with us for almost the past 50 years. Still, it is NOT easy. Personalities and perspectives clash at times, demands are sometimes excessive. And although she is elderly and has medical issues, none of them are nearly as demanding as what your dad faces.
Your dad is facing a hard and scary time. But there’s a reason he has almost no family or friends. Those reasons will remain in play with anyone charged with taking care of him. At least a paid professional has more control over what behaviors they put up with. And also has an emotional distance that protects them from being guilted into more than they are willing and able to do for your dad.
Tell your dad you are so sorry for the hard time he may be facing and for his marriage struggles, but you will not be his caretaker. You will continue to talk with him (with whatever frequency is appropriate for you) and consider when and how you may offer some support for him. Then YOU do not feel guilty for what you do not feel you can do. Just consider the things that you feel you CAN and WANT to do – whatever that is, IF anything and know that you do not owe him more.
I firmly believe that unless you have a strong relationship with the person needing care, you should not be their caretaker. It’s a hard and often thankless job that can go on for years. It takes the bond of a strong relationship to get through it at all. Your father has been absent for most of your life, you barely know him. He threw his children away, and now that he has a serious illness, he wants you back. H\*ll no. A free rent bribe is not nearly enough. Tell him to make other plans and don’t feel guilty about it. He hasn’t acted like a dad most of your life, you need not act the dutiful daughter. If he can buy a duplex, he can afford assisted living or a full time caretaker. Sure, it would likely be cheaper if you did it, that’s probably why he’s asking. But you aren’t on the hook for this. NTA