Hi! My husband and I have a great kid, who just turned 3. He does have a special medical need. I found out about a family camp that focuses on education, and networking for this, that provides activities for the family as well.
The whole thing is quite expensive. I applied for a scholarship for our kid and they got it! To do the whole trip we still need about $1k, I started a GoFundMe. His mother saw and brought it up. They wanted to come to the camp too, and they offered to pay for the 1k we need.
Which at first I was fine with, but then started feeling a little overwhelmed. I talked to my husband and told him that I felt since this was specific to our kiddo’s medically needs and our first time doing something like this, I think it should be just our immediate family actually doing the camp, but if his parents wanted to still come maybe they can get a hotel and we can hangout after the camp sessions.
I asked him if he thought I was being unreasonable and he said he understood where I was coming from. I also told him that I would be uncomfortable taking the money they offered and telling them they couldn’t come. I expected that he would tell them as much.
I thought we were on the same page. Last night he tells me he talked to his parents and told them that I didn’t want them there and it caused a fight.
I genuinely thought he was on the same page with me, I would have reassess and talked through it if he really didn’t understand/feel the way I do.
I thought I was trying to set boundaries, I thought for the first time (hopefully we go more in the future) it could be a unique experience for our immediate family, but maybe I should have seen it as an opportunity for everyone to rally around our child and be involved in their needs?
ESH. You should not have accepted the in-laws’ money with their conditions just to decide they can’t come, but they can spend more money to stay nearby and see you occasionally. But the worst offender is your husband telling his parents that *you* don’t want them there.
OP says she is uncomfortable taking any money and then telling them they can’t come. I infer she the. Wouldn’t accept the $
NTA I would say that your husband hashed the delivery of the message. He can fix that.
NTA. This is a husband problem. You’re entitled to your feelings. He needs to make it right.
NTA
Your husband threw you under the bus. You have a husband problem.
I’d also try to salvage the situation by explaining that this is the first time you are doing this with your son, and you want to keep distractions (e.g. a big crowd of family) to a minimum to maximise his engagement with the camp activities. But depending on how this first trip goes, you’re open to having more family present in future.
Are these in laws close and involved with their grandchild? I think it kinda depends on the relationship y’all have. If this is just a vacation for them then they need to step away but if their active and involved then maybe they see it was them learning more. But either way you and hubby need to have a conversation. Did you two actually talk and listen or was it just I’d prefer it this way and you assumed he was on the same page?
You are NTA for being overwhelmed. However, maybe you need to think about this important education for as many people as you’d like to be involved in your son’s life. Imagine, you have to ask someone to babysit him – you will need to train this person to take care of diet, behavior, other necessary routine. Your in-laws made you great opportunity to let your nuclear family get this training and get trained themselves to be able to provide him safe environment.
NTA. Your husband screwed up the message. He needs to make it right.
NTA for feeling overwhelmed but I do not understand you not wanting them there. They sound like they want to be involved and learn more so why not enjoy that camp together… Some people have to beg for grandparents like that. I think if you were feeling overwhelmed you could have taken a step back. Especially since they were willing to cover the costs. Good for you for not wanting to take it if they weren’t invited but why not have them included and learning everything so you can have people to depend on.
I will say your husband is an AH for how he handled that.
NTA. Your husband is the problem here. The way he framed it as you (specifically) didn’t want his parents there was obviously going to cause a problem. If your husband didn’t agree with this decision, he should have told you that when it was discussed between you. He should have told his parents as if it was his decision or both of you, not implying that YOU alone were the cause.
So – why did he do that? He has trouble saying no to his parents? He likes to make you look bad? What did he think was going to happen?
OP your husband is the AH. He should have told them that the camp prefers first time campers to be the immediate family. That you both would love for them to come next year. I’m a retired pediatric nurse who worked for over 20 years with medically complex kids. Often it is important to work with just the immediate family to begin with. The reasons being, parents can be honest about the struggles and challenges they are facing; teaching and support can be directed specifically to them. Many of these specialty camps will give contacts for support networks for extended family members. Good luck with your son and enjoy the camp!
NTA but you need to have a clear convo with your husband. He threw you under the bus, classy.
Also, because you can’t trust your husband, contact your in-laws and tell them what you told us here. They are parents, they will understand, unless they suck as much as your husband.
How appropriate is it for large family groups to attend the camp? Does the camp even accommodate that?