I’m struggling with this and would like outside perspective.
My grandfather passed away on December 23rd which was also my son’s first birthday. I was the first person my dad called when my grandfather passed, and I was in the middle of putting my baby to sleep when I got the call.
After finding out, my partner and I made the decision to immediately support my family. On Christmas Day, we drove about 3 hours to be with my dad, grandmother, uncle, cousins, and extended family. We canceled the rest of our Christmas plans, including what would have been my son’s first real Christmas. We stayed for three days to help console everyone and be present during that initial grieving period.
While we were there, funeral arrangements hadn’t been finalized yet, but I made it clear that we already had two prior commitments scheduled:
• My son’s birthday party on January 10
• A baby shower for my girlfriend’s sister on January 17 (first nephew on that side of the family)
At the time, I was under the impression that the funeral would be held on a different weekend (the 24th). A few days before my son’s birthday party, I was informed that the funeral had been scheduled for January 17 the same day as the baby shower.
I told my dad that I didn’t think I could make it due to the prior commitment and because I felt that I had already shown up in a significant way by immediately coming down, canceling Christmas, and spending days with the family when my grandfather first passed.
After that, my dad sent me a message saying he was shocked by my decision, that it was disrespectful to miss his father’s memorial for a baby shower, that he hopes I don’t regret it, and that it would be hard for him to get over though he said he still loves me.
I understand he’s grieving his father, and I never intended to hurt him. But I also feel like I made a reasonable decision based on prior commitments and the support I had already given.
So… AITA for not attending my grandfather’s funeral because I had a previously scheduled family obligation?
\*\*\*EDIT for added context\*\*\*
My relationship with my grandfather was positive however, there was always a large communication barrier. He spoke Spanish as his primary language and knew enough English to get by or hold very general and basic conversation but beyond that, conversations at family gatherings all swapped to Spanish. His 90th birthday was Dec 19th and I made sure to call him and talk as much as we could.
My relationship with my dad has always been strained, while this does not take away from the fact that we both love each other and would help each other in any way we can, we do butt heads all the time. I also recently (within 1 year) moved out of his house (my childhood home) and moved a few hours away for better opportunities for life and work. My father and I also worked together for the last 8 years.
I was pretty distraught when my grandfather passed and knew my father would be as well hence why I drove down immediately when I found out. We cried and reminisced stories we had for a while on Christmas Day with my uncle and cousins.
Why can’t your wife go to the baby shower while you attend the memorial?
Im sorry but anyone who expects you to come to their baby shower over your own grandfathers funeral is an AH. Prior commitments get thrown out the window for funerals. I dont understand why you would WANT to miss it for a baby shower ? Is your girlfriend incapable of going places alone?
I cant tell anyone how to grieve but this doesnt even make senses. YTA
I agree. Who actually likes baby showers? And the funeral is more important. Wife goes to shower, husband goes to funeral.
YTA.
ETA: Are you really going to go play stupid baby shower games on the day of the funeral? Send a gift.
Funerals usually beat baby showers in terms of importance, reasonable people would understand why you couldn’t make it
Can you and your wife not attend the events separately?
YTA. Backing out of a commitment that’s important for someone you care about for a trivial reason isn’t cool but for a funeral? That’s the one universally understood reason to miss something. As a previous commenter said. Your girlfriend should be at the baby shower as it’s her sister but you should be at the funeral. It’s your family member that passed and it’s disrespectful to miss it. You will regret it.
Dog YTA and need a reality check. You skipped your grandfathers funeral for a baby shower. Could your girlfriend not go alone?
Stop lying. You don’t want to go and are using the shower as an excuse. There’s no reason you can’t go to the funeral while she goes to the shower, “logistics” is a bullshit excuse.
YTA
Put it this way – your dad will die one day. We all will and he’s not exempt. What would you say if, in a hypothetical future, your son refused to attend your father’s funeral because his wife refused to drive alone or support him during such a painful time? Personally I think your wife is being selfish here. She can make up this time with her sister. You can’t have another funeral. I attended my grandparents’ separate funerals alone (I’m sure someone will be pedantic so that means they died in different years) and it’s harder than you realise it’s going to be. I really can’t imagine making my husband go to a family funeral alone just to attend a baby shower. That’s sad.
A funeral is more important than a baby shower. Your gf should understand that you need to be at your grandfather’s funeral.
YTA
YTA you can’t really expect your father to NOT be upset that you’re blowing off his father’s funeral.
YTA. Telling your family that you had two prior commitments: your sons birthday party on the 10th and a baby shower on the 17th, sits badly with me. A party for a one year old who would not remember a thing about it, and a baby shower for your girlfriend’s sister-your grandfather’s funeral should have taken precedence over both of these. They should not even have been considerations. And spending three days with your family to support them much time at all when a major loss has happened.
YTA. Your wife can go to the baby shower. You need to go to that funeral. People don’t plan funerals around YOUR timeline.
“I can’t, I have a baby shower to go to and I’ve already fulfilled my obligatory support for you” I mean, no where do you even hint at feeling sad about losing your grandpa, just not subtle pats on your own back how you inconvenienced yourself to show support to your family. I’m not surprised they are upset with you, especially if you told him you can’t go the way you worded it here. Yta.
YTA
You seriously tried to block off TWO weekends and thought your grandfather’s funeral would be scheduled on the 24th? Seriously? Main character syndrome holy yikes.
Neither a birthday party or a baby shower (absolutely not) take precedence over a funeral. I’m as shocked as your dad. Btw, your grandfather’s funeral IS a “family obligation”, which you seem to not understand.