My sister has held a grudge for years for not attending her son’s baptism.
I did, however, attend his baby shower and brought a very nice gift.
We have a large family and most of us attend the same church in our urban location. I have always attended my nieces and nephews baptisms and have even been a godparent.
In this incidence, however, I had a rare three day weekend on a weekend my kid was in my care, so I had already made plans a few weeks ago to visit some friends I rarely get to visit because they live a few hours from here which happens to be near the small town where my mom grew up. I have some health issues that have made travel difficult, so I don’t tend to go that far away unless I have an extra day or two off.
My sister called two days before I was to leave to give me the heads up that her newest baby was going to be baptised after church services that Sunday. I told her thanks for the heads up, but I had already made plans to visit a friend out of town.
My sister never checks in with me before making plans about her children, but expects me to be there, even if I have to cancel other plans. She will call me on a Thursday night, for example, that she is having a birthday party for one of her kids on Friday. Therefore, after working all day (she does not work) I have to pick up my kid from daycare, go to Target, buy a gift, wrap a gift, and head to her place late. I have had to cancel other plans in order to do this. She never calls and checks out my schedule, but I do know she runs the date by my parents and my other sister. I am just supposed to clear my schedule for her kids’ plan.
This time I held a boundary and did not cancel my plans.
Of course I ran into a flying monkey cousin when I was up north, who confronted me for being in town when my own nephew is being baptised. I told my cousin that I was only told about the baptism a couple of days ago, and I didn’t want to cancel my pre-existing plans.
My sister has obviously held onto this grudge for years, because she recently brought up how I did not even attend my nephew’s baptism.
Am I the asshole for not canceling my plans so I could attend this last-minute baptism?
NTA you are the only one who gets to decide how you use your time
NTA. When people plan things at the last minute they have to understand that some people they want to invite may have plans already set. If your sister wanted the whole family at the baptism, she needed to plan it in advance. Like a normal person with a modicum of consideration.
My SILs have a similar method. They used make plans together, then call me and tell me what they were doing if I wanted to come. Eventually I told them if they didn’t care enough to include me in the planning, it felt like “if you can come, okay, if not , too bad…….”. I stopped doing things with them altogether. I’m much happier. You’re NTA.
NTA, next time someone mentions something about it, let them know it’s rude to not give adequate time for events. It’s weird to assume people don’t have their own lives and if you want people to show up you give advance notice.
NTA. You’re allowed to have plans that don’t revolve around someone else’s calendar.
NTA – Churches usually require planning for events like baptisms, so your sibling knew well in advance the date she chose. Her last minute invite made you an after thought, you shouldn’t change your plans for her lack of thought.
Your sister sounds like she needs to grow up. NTA. People who bring up the past just to make others feel bad are just plain shitty. Maybe tell her that next time.
Nta. If you send a last minute invite you have to understand someone people will already have plans.
NTA your sister is entitled and is being ridiculous for carrying that grudge. All you asked was more than a day or two in advance warning to give you a chance to attend her functions.
NTA
She knows she’s wrong; she just likes the power trip.
My husband’s family was terrible about this kind of thing.
Every holiday, every special event, if we had any hint at all, it would a vague “not sure we’re doing anything.”
And then day of show we’re getting calls asking why we’re not there. And we were usually out doing something else, so they’d try to pull the “you should have known” card.
“Well, yes, but since nobody bothered to tell us when we asked, we made other plans. If you want us there, you’ll need to invite us in advance, so we can make sure that we’re available”
People who really want you there include you in the planning. They just want to shut someone out but be able to feign victim. I’m sorry you have a crappy family too.
NTA. You had pre-existing plans and should not be expected to drop them. My husband’s family are last minute planners and pull this shit on us all the time. We’re a two hour drive from them and my husband has a difficult work schedule due to being on call, so it’s almost always a huge hassle.
NTA
She sounds exhausting. Enjoy the peace.