For context my grandmother was not a bad person nor did i dislike her or not know her. My grandma was a sweet old lady that I’ve known my whole life and i do love her dearly, but when i heard the news that she had passed in her sleep, instead of feeling down or distraught over it i just didn’t rlly care much. Not that im happy it happened but i mean.. thats life, nothing you can do about it.
This also isn’t just for her i haven’t ever rlly felt bad about any of my family passing. Again not that i hate them or anything i just feel like everyone has a time and theres no point in wallowing in sadness.
I was talking to my mother the day it happened and of course she was balling her eyes out, but when she heard my my tone and how i wasn’t upset by the news she started to get a little upset with ME for "not being empathetic". So, AITA for moving on to fast?
LITTLE EDIT: I should clarify i did try my best to comfort my mother over the phone, but im absolutely awful at feeling peoples feelings so it came out as more of a " well thats life and it happens" typa way. Also no i didn’t say that exactly but that kinda how it might have felt coming from me.
NAH. Everyone grieves differently. I was SUPER close to both of my grandmas and I adored them, but I just felt … nothing for weeks / months after they passed away. It wasn’t until little things like picking up the phone to call them and realizing I couldn’t that it actually hit me they were gone. It made it real and THAT is when I totally broke down (I’m also neurodivergent and that possibly plays a role in how grief works for me). Heck, my grandpa passed 15 years ago and I cried about it today because the sweet older man fixing my faucet reminded me of him. Similarly, the grief is hitting your mom now and she’s not wrong for getting upset, she’s just feeling her feelings; they’re not really directed at you, if I had to guess.
You could be empathetic to your mom’s feelings. Imagine how you’ll feel when it’s your own mom. That’s how your mom feels now.
You’re NTA for not feeling how people think you should. But you should most definitely be empathetic and caring toward those who are experiencing grief a different way than you.
Your feelings are valid, but so are your mom’s. Work on learning how to show some empathy towards other people, it’ll make you a better human.
NAH – everyone grieves differently. Now, where you may be TA is not acknowledging others’ feelings.
Look, as someone who doesn’t put out a lot of outward emotion, you need to learn to read others and mirror back. It’s part of the game of life.
I was sad when my grandma passed and I wish she’d had a better death but she was 88. She lived an amazing life and was off to her next adventure. My mom was distraught.
Read the damn room and respond appropriately. Soften your voice, hug the woman. Doesn’t matter if it’s not true, you’re not doing it for you, you’re doing it for *them*.
Feeling nothing when someone close to you passes isn’t normal. I’m not saying you have to gnash your teeth and wail in sorrow, but your inability to feel empathy for others is troubling. Even animals mourn the passing of those they love. I don’t think you’re an asshole necessarily, but you’re likely a sociopath.
Actually it’s a common response to loss, if you knew anything about psychology you would know this. Might be unwise to go around and give incorrect, unsolicited, medical evaluations.
NTA – when you are young death can have an abstract quality. The absoluteness of death is something most of us first experience through the death of a pet you are used to seeing every day. But that heartbreak can be assuaged by the introduction of a new pet to lavish your love on…
The loss of a grandparent, someone you may only see a few times a year, can feel unreal. The reality that the person who loved you so much is truly gone grows as the year passes and you don’t see them.
NAH
Both my grandmothers passed in the same year. Like you, I didn’t outwardly mourn them or look sad. Unlike you, I wasn’t close to either one of them so that had something to do with it. But still, when I was around family who were mourning them, I did my absolute best to not let it show it wasn’t affecting me as much as everyone else. I kept my tone light, I was people’s shoulder to lean on, I sympathized with everyone.
What I would suggest for you is to change how your tone and emphasize more, because people can tell you don’t really care.
NTA. Grief is complex and can take many forms. You may not be feeling any overwhelming emotional impact, and grief can express as smaller emotional statements. You will be doing something familiar that you shared with her and get feelings over that. Grief does not need to be the bawling, snot stained outpouring but it can be the gentle regret of not being able to do something as simple as baking together again.
NAH
You seem pretty accepting of the cycle of life and death. Nothing wrong with that. And I think it’s perfectly fine if you aren’t upset. Just please don’t try to FORCE yourself to NOT feel OR to feel something that doesn’t seem genuine to you.
Please also understand that some other people are going to mourn the death of someone else. As long as you give them their space to grieve and don’t give them a hard time for experiencing grief. I would like to hope they would also extend you the same grace for experiencing this situation how you are going to experience it.
My condolences to you and yours on the passing of your grandmother.
FWIW, my partner has a *delayed* reaction to grief. He does experience grief, but often not for a days to weeks (sometimes months) after a death because he is used to handling crises. He’s in the habit of not reacting emotionally to major events like this until the “situation” has settled down for most everyone else (yay, having a chaotic childhood… 😐).
NAH. Different people experience grief in different ways. I also felt nothing when my grandparents passed, and only really feel grief when someone passes away young or unexpectedly. That’s only happened three times, and each time it was a non-family member.
You’re NTA
Everyone is different. Putting on a sad face to conform to society mourning standards changes nothing. You loved her while she was alive and she took note of that before dying.