This morning my MIL sent me a very long text about meeting up with her, FIL, BIL, SIL, and Niece on Monday for an event they are volunteering at for their church (that SO is an ex-member of). I very politely told her we appreciated the invite but already had plans to volunteer at another even that is linked to SO’s work. She then asks me to pick a different date in December for SO and I to come up for dinner then since we will not be attending the event.
Some quick context: My SO works a job that is very much not a 9-5. He works a very strange schedule with long hours. This makes planning time with family and each other difficult. For the entire month of December, we only have six days that we are both not busy. Other context is that we got married 3 months ago and this is our first Christmas season being married, and it is also the first Christmas season for our niece (SIL’s child who is about 6 months old). Because of our niece we chose to spend Christmas Day with his family. They are also throwing a family "party" (the party is just MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, Niece, and us) earlier in the month that we will be going to. We also live about an hour drive away from MIL.
I called my SO to discuss how he wanted to handle this. He was not able to text her back himself as he was working and cannot answer texts at work. He said to politely tell her we are very busy and that we want to spend the little free time we have together just the two of us. We stay on the phone while I text her. So the conversation goes as follows:
MIL: What day can you come over dinner before Christmas? We want to be able to spend some time with you this month.
Me: Unfortunately, SO and I are super busy this month and at this point they’re only a couple of days where we are both free and we want to be able to spend some time this holiday season just the two of us.
MIL: You can’t spare two hours in a whole month? 🙁
(Needless to say SO didn’t like that and told me to send the next text as follows so she couldn’t claim I ignored her but would hopefully contact him)
Me: I think you should discuss this more with SO. It’s more than just two hours for us. It’s almost two hours of just driving there and back. We do try to see you guys at least once a month, and next month we are coming down for the party and coming on Christmas Day. We do our best to be fair and see you guys and my family equally while still trying to spend some time together just the two of us.
MIL: See you on the 19th. Don’t forget our picture.
(We are meeting before the party to take a family photo with Santa at the mall)
Am I the AH here?? I feel like I make sure we see SO’s family pretty frequently. We saw them twice in November and will see them twice in December as well, but with the holidays I wonder if maybe SO and I should sacrifice one more day to spend time with them? But at the same time, I’m only seeing my family once this month so that seems unfair.
NTA but stop dealing with your in-laws. That is your husband’s duty. Truly.
He normally does. Today he just genuinely didn’t have time to text her while he was working and he wanted to nip it in the bud so he had me send the responses but the actual response was what he told me to send. (If that makes sense.)
I don’t understand what was so time critical in that message that a reply couldn’t have waited a few hours until he had finished work?
Yeah seriously. Why let her think she can use OP as social secretary?
How is it that the husband has time to tell OP exactly what to say but can’t tell mom himself?
I’m confused as to why he called OP to text his mom, instead of calling his mom.
It makes no sense at all. If he had time to write the messages for you to send (or time to speak to you and tell you what to say) he had time to send the message to his mother himself
He had time to draft the messages, he had time to send it.
If he was able to call you, he could have called his mom.
NTA
1. You were polite; you explained things very appropriately, and the facts are that SO’s family is getting to see you two more than your family is and that your free time is very limited.
2. I do have to wonder that (1) MIL seems to expect an immediate reply and (2) SO uses you as the buffer. In fact both MIL and SO seem to prefer communicating through you.
I suggest that your standard response to other such communications from MIL should be: “*Have received your message. SO will respond to you when they can.*” SO can attend to family conversations at their convenience; you and SO can talk and take the time to think at your convenience; and SO takes responsibility for communications with their family members
NAH. It was not wrong of her to ask, it was not wrong of you to say no. She maybe pushed the envelope a bit with the attempted guilt trip, but she did back off. You are right to try to keep things equal and you are also right for making time for just yourselves. Do not let her make you feel bad.
If you were on the phone to your husband while you texted, he can be on the phone to his mother himself. Pull back from being a walking social calendar and let him navigate his own family, while checking with you. If you don’t, you’re going to be the bad guy.
NTA for saying no, but remove yourself from this in future.
I know SO is busy but not that busy he should deal with his family. because now they don’t like you as much. I have had this happen. you are not the AH.
I see a comment where you say mil expect quick replies tonight texts, and that’s why you responded. That’s a habit that needs to be unlearned. If mil text something you need to discuss with your partner, answer her that you will discuss it when you have the time.
Also, if you could talk to your partner at work why couldn’t they answer their parent themselves?
Judgement – nah – mil can ask, you can say no.