I’m pretty shaken up about this and am extremely hurt, beyond just the initial confrontation. I (F19) live with my roommate and friend of my entire life, Winona (fake name) f20. I also live with my sister (f21) for context.
Over the past few weeks my grandma (who I am very close to and see regularly) has had some health scares due to previous lung cancer and now has had a resurgence. We were unsure of what the actual outlook and prospects would be until this past week Tuesday(5 days ago)
Approximately 48 hours ago, I got the worst news in the worst possible way. I was hanging out in my sister’s room with my sister, sisters bf, and Winona, having a very pleasant fun conversation when suddenly my sister tells me that my grandmas cancer has spread past her lungs and that if she chooses to not proceed with treatment, she will have about a year to live.
Sisters boyfriend says to my sister “give a better time estimate” and while trying to remember the range of months, she happened to say 6 or 7. She told me afterwards this was not intentional and was not at all trying to make a joke. Immediately as I’m processing this, I see Winona do the “67” hands. I’m immediately disgusted and call her on it saying “thats not funny”, her only response being “she started it”. Exiting the room to sob haha.
To give more context to the kind of relationship we have, there is many time I’ve sent long paragraphs of apologies when I’m unintentionally rude or harsh, or sometimes just wrong, which I take accountability for. (which she only replies to after a day or two of her completely stone walling me, which is fine because she said she needed space to process.) point is there is a pattern of me upsetting her, her icing me out, and me apologizing profusely.
Assuming she didn’t know I was angry at her until this morning, it is STILL incredibly hurtful that she never knocked on my door to check in, never asked how I was feeling, considering this was what I provided her when she was sick or her cat passed away (four hour text conversation.)
And assuming she did know I was angry, it shocks me that she hasn’t reached out to apologize when it’s very normalized and not at all a thing in our relationship to sweep something under the rug? Granted I don’t often get upset with her and so there’s never been a reason for her to apologize to me (within recent times)
My sister has apologized profusely for telling me in that moment and agrees that what she said was out of pocket and cruel, but still thinks I should be the bigger person and tell her how she made me feel.
Am I the asshole if I treat her how she’s treated me and ignore her until she apologizes?
Absolutely NTA.
I’m all for dark humor and a joke but that’s just insensitive and rude.
NTA Kick her out.
NTA I’m really sorry about your grandma and I hope that whatever she decides to do going forward, she’s as comfortable as possible.
As for your roommate, if she can give it, she can take it. Keep your silence as long as you need to, and if she never tries to make it right, reconsider your living situation. She was incredibly disrespectful and childish and her immediate response if it was genuinely an auto reaction should have been at the very least to apologise, not to double down with “she started it”. She’s a crap friend
Nta. And if you haven’t already, get some videos of you with your grandma. I have photos with mine, but no video so I can’t hear her voice anymore
I’m am so sorry to hear about your grandma.
Definitely NTA. That was very insensitive of your friend to do. She lacks awareness and consideration for others. Also lacks accountability.
NTA. what she did was, rude, disrespectful and not something a true friend would do.
The fact that she hasn’t checked in on you even without knowing whether or not you spare Josette with her is hurtful and disrespectful too. Given the news you were given a good friend would’ve asked how you are doing.
Im so sorry about your Grandma.💕✨💕
That’s juvenile for a 20 y.o.. Perhaps mentally knock her back 6 years or so and go from there. You can be friends with someone stuck at 14 y.o. mentality, but that’s a different kind of friendship with different expectations.
NTA
It sounds like your roommate is incredibly immature.
NTA
I think you’re going through an incredibly tough time and you need to put yourself first.
With your friend – it depends what you think you need. If you think you want her support then tell her she hurt you and see how she reacts. If she doesn’t apologise she’s not a friend. If you just don’t even want to think about her then forget her and do what you need to do move on with your grief. Go spend some time with your grandma. Be with family. Don’t force yourself to remember to ice her out because that will just make you more and more angry.
NTA but try communicating instead of stonewalling, you’re an adult now and you have to choose how you address conflict. “Hey – I think you owe me an apology.” is a good way to start. If she acts up about it, tell her to find a role model.
Pretty sure she’s just not a nice person. It probably wasn’t a great time for your sister to drop that information on you and maybe your friend just failed at reading the room because of this…but you still have to be very immature and lacking in empathy to make a joke about that. Especially one that’s only funny to children anyway.
NTA
You did tell her. You said it wasn’t funny and she has had tons of chances to apologize. She’s waiting for you to cave but if you do I promise you’ll be mad at yourself later. Obviously it isn’t your sister’s fault. She gave a 6 to 7 month time span. Saying “she started it” is ridiculous. NTA