I know the title sounds like I’m being dramatic, but I am getting a lot of flack in my personal life for this.
I am only posting because I wanted to confirm that I’m not going insane.
I (20 F) have a younger sister (18 F) whom I adore, but is wildly forgetful when it comes to certain things she needs. Like when it comes to being prepared for sports and or specific attire that she needs to wear for certain events and often asked me to provide her or bring her things when I am available to do so.
Last Tuesday was not an exception as she called me asking me to bring her her swim shirt, which is a very specific branded shirt that is used as a cover-up for her on her high school swim team. I very politely responded. “No, I’m going to school. I cannot.” to which she responded. “No, you have to,” and I reminded her again. “I am already in the car going to school. I physically cannot get it to you.” because of my response, she immediately hung up on me and I have already been getting the “you should’ve just done it,” from my parents and her.
Another thing to note is the class that I was going to has a strict no tardiness/no absences without documentation attendance policy meaning that if I had just “done it” like everybody has been telling me I should’ve done I possibly could’ve been putting my grade in jeopardy.
I don’t see what I’ve done wrong aside from physically not being able to do what I normally do for her. Quite frankly, I think that she needs to start being more responsible as legally she is an adult now and there’s a whole lot of recourse that can come from her being neglectful in certain situations. She very obviously is not learning this and is continually dependent on everyone around her. Also because there are so many people who are consistently giving into whatever bad behavior she is dishing that day it seems like she has the attitude that she will get away with this forever. I understand that I also perpetuated the standard that she’ll get whatever she wants, but I’m trying to correct that now and it seems like nobody else is on board with the (though freshly) 18-year-old being remotely responsible at all.
There’s also the added aspect of my parents seemingly favoring her throughout the entire entirety of our childhood. And the wildly disproportionate expectations being placed on me to be not only responsible, but completely put together in life.
TLDR: am I the asshole for not doing what was expected of me even if that expectation means that I have to go out of my way to help somebody who willingly chooses not to help herself?
NTAH – it’s not reasonable for you to be tardy because your sister is irresponsible. If it is not such a big deal, then she can call her parents to bring her things.
NTA. That doesn’t mean you won’t continue to hear about it, but you can ignore it with a clear conscience. Your parents, at least, should be able to understand that it’s impossible to get her the shirt after you’ve already left the house, and all three of you should be remind her that she’s responsible for her own stuff.
And yes, the more you do it, the more entitled she becomes. My answer to that would be to leave early on the occasions that she usually calls to ask something. Set up a “study time” before your class and sit and sip a coffee, or do some reading, or whatever. Make sure that whatever time frame allows her to ask you for things will no longer be possible. If your parents start giving you any flack for it, your answer to your sister changes from “No, I’m already at school, I can’t” to “Give mom/dad a call and see if they can help.”
NTA, but from here on out “no” is a complete sentence. Even if you’re just sitting around the house doing nothing, “no” is your response when she calls and demands you bring what she forgot. She remembers her things on her own, or she suffers the consequences of not having them (or someone else can do it, but at least you’re not contributing to the problem).
NTA. She needs to learn to bring what she needs. If you stop helping her then mayeb she will finally learn. You can’t be expected to constantly bail her out.
NTA. She needs to take accountability for herself at this point. She’s old enough. Her forgetting an item she knew she would need doesn’t constitute you getting in trouble. She needs to start learning to be responsible for herself or she’s going to have a very rough life ahead.
NTA.
Adulting is hard enough without needing to coddle an adult that needs to learn better.
Ask your parents why missing your class is less important than bringing a shirt to your sister? A shirt that is her responsibility, as is being in class on time is your responsibility. Do not accept she forgot, she’s younger just why is her mistake your emergency? Suggest she make a list of things she needs every day to check in the morning. It’s easier for your parents to expect you to take care of your sister’s mistakes/forgetfulness than it is to teach your sister to be an adult. Let your parents try to parent your sister and stop helping. NTA
NTA – you couldn’t easily do this. It wasn’t an emergency. It’s constant laziness on her part.
NTA. A lack of planning on her part does not constitute an emergency for you. All adults at her age have to learn self-accountability at some point, and when it comes to being forgetful / not planning ahead, people often won’t learn if they keep depending on others to bail them out. If she’s angry at you for not “helping her”, then remind her that she’s an adult who can help herself by planning ahead, not a toddler who needs her jacket and boots put on for her.
And I say this as someone with ADHD which is the chronic Forgetting and Losing Things Disorder™️. I’ve fucked myself over from staying up too late, leaving things to the last minute, etc. and while there are times I’ve had to ask others for help when my disorder gets the better of me, I don’t demand it from them in such a way that makes it their problem, especially not when the problem could have been avoided well ahead of time.
This situation isn’t an emergency that demands your immediate attention, it’s the consequences of your sister not taking responsibility for herself.
NTAH. She needs to learn that when you can you do and when you can not it’s not your fault.
NTA
“I’m appalled that you all think I should have accepted a lower grade due to tardiness to help sister in her moment of forgetfulness. There were very real consequences for me if I had done this, and none of you appreciate that. So, to avoid confusion and save time in the future, please note that I will no longer be delivering forgotten items to sister at all.”
Stop answering her calls at all during the school day – your parents will be contacted for actual emergencies.
Stand firm, OP.
NTA
Just don’t do her favors. None. The answer is no.
NTA
*I have already been getting the “you should’ve just done it,” from my parents and her.*
Tell your parents that they’re the ones that birthed her and you can’t screw up your entire schedule because she can’t get her shit together.
NTA. Maybe you need to do this a few more times so that she learns she has to be accountable for herself and there isn’t gonna be somebody to bail her out every time.