EDIT- wow did not expect this many replies. Thank you everyone! I completely understand that if I rock up I have to bring a gift (not even sure why I thought I’d rock up without a gift, I don’t think I could do that!)
I’m thinking that I just won’t go.
Just do some context – she has never been engaged or married so I have not had the opportunity to gift her. The only life milestone that she’s had is when her dog passed away I got her a gift and a card to express my sympathy.
Some background info on our friendship- we’ve always been the ‘easy going’ friends. If something bothers us we usually just ignore it because it fades out so I can see why me holding onto the gift giving can make me the AH I guess we normally just let go of small arguments but idk just thought big milestones in life deserved some more attention.
When I was pregnant she never really checked in on me. She didn’t understand what toll pregnancy could have on someone (which I understand because you never know until you go through it!) but even now that she’s pregnant and I have a baby she still doesn’t ask how it’s going for me or recognise that it might be hard. Which again might be hard for her to comprehend. I guess. It’s just frustrating that in 7 months time she’ll be where I’m at now and will tell me how tough it is and that’ll be an ongoing cycle. I love her a lot. Just feel like we’re different. Ilve supporting people. Maybe she doesn’t and we’re just different people.
My bestfriend (28F) and I (28F) have known eachother since we were 4. Throughout our friendship we’ve never really been ‘gift givers’ to each other. On our bigger birthdays 18th,21 etc we got each other a small gift but the last few years it’s just been taking each other out to lunch for our birthdays.
Her other friend (Mandy) got engaged and had a baby in the last few years. My bestfriend got her gifts to celebrate these occasions and for the kids birthday every year she buys a gift.
I got engaged several years back, received nothing – that’s fine I don’t expect anything. A year later I got married. She was the only one out of 80 people that attended that didn’t get me anything- not even a card. That annoyed me quite a bit but oh well. Then last year I had my baby, again, she didn’t get me anything. I didn’t have a baby shower though but pretty much everyone else that has visited bought a small gift (very grateful!)
Anyway, she is now due for her baby in a few months and has a baby shower coming up. Part of me desperately wants to shower her with love and get her a gift and just really be there to support her through motherhood as I know how difficult it can be but the other part of me doesn’t want to get her anything because she’s never got me anything?
AITA if I just don’t get a gift? Or if I just don’t even rock up to the baby shower? I could see how I’m being the AH because it is a baby shower but at the same time I think not even getting me a card from my wedding shows that we’re not gift giving friends.
Please be honest. This could all just be my postpartum rage so need to know if I’m being reasonable!
NTA. Life doesn’t need to bet it for tat; but she has shown you the level of connection she is willing to give during these celebratory moments.
If you want to extend more then that has to be on you. If she doesn’t reciprocate you will have to be ok with that as that is what she’s always shown.
It’s not always a give to get situation sometimes just giving is nice too.
When they go low you go high. Show her you’re the better person. YWNBTA, though, if you decide not to bring a gift. I’d love to hear her complain to you.
I am personally a fan of this method. You forgot my birthday? I’m still gonna text you on yours. Didn’t make it to my shower? Still gonna come to yours. Honestly with multiple friendships spanning 20 years, people fluctuate and seasons come and go. It makes me happier overall to know that I show up when needed. Ofc that’s not going into one sided friendships or anything, I just don’t worry too much about “tit for tat” in my relationships.
YWNBTA. Your friend has already set the terms here – no gifts.
No, you don’t have to go to the baby shower if you don’t feel like it, but why don’t you want to? Because you fear that the other guests will judge you? Just laugh merrily and say, “Oh, [best friend] and I never give gifts or cards!”
Came to say this right here.
ESH
She should have brought a gift to your wedding.
You should not be deciding whether to attend her baby shower based on what gifts she’s given you in the past.
It would be really, really weird of you to go to a baby shower without a gift, because a baby shower is literally based around giving gifts.
I only see this friendship working out if you accept that she’s lousy at giving gifts and actually move to a point of not caring about it. Give her a modest gift at the baby shower, then you will have done the right thing, and that’s all you can really control here.
She’s not lousy at giving gifts though. She gifted her other friend for her engagement and baby shower and continues to bring gifts to her daughter’s birthdays.
To me, it seems like she doesn’t care about gifting only when it comes to OP.
Give her a thoughtful card. NTA
She’s not your best friend maybe? People outgrow each other and that’s okay.
NTA but this is your friend communicate with her tell her it hurt you you didn’t get a gift or if you don’t feel like you want to don’t. But don’t just not give her a gift because she didn’t get you one. Remember friends don’t keep score and it’s a bit petulant not to get someone a gift just because they didn’t get you one . But if you don’t give her a gift it’s not that big of a deal but it seems like there can be some fueling resentment .
>My bestfriend
Yeah, I don’t think so
If you go to the baby shower without a gift, Y T A.
Otherwise, ESH. You two barely seem to like each other.
I would agree but going without the gift if she’s actually wants to attend in this case where the friend even attended her wedding sans gift/card/anything would make it more than acceptable to me. Especially with the average cost differential with a wedding vs baby shower.
NTA-you could try to break that cycle by starting to gift now. However, I personally don’t see the point if you two have made it this far without gifting and are still friends. I didn’t catch if you gifted her when she got engaged or married, to see who had the opportunity to gift first. If you didn’t gift when she got hitched first, she’s matching the vibe you both practiced.
NTA. If someone skips your engagement, wedding, and baby with zero card or gift, it’s a bit rich for them to suddenly expect the baby-shower parade.