Ever since I was born, my dad wasn’t really in my life. My mom and actual dad had me when they were young, and my dad cheated on my mom. By age 4, My mom had met a guy, lets name him kevin. And kevin was really nice, He was a father for me before he had his own, and he never ever argued with me or put his hands on me.
He proposed to her when I was maybe about 8-9 years old, and I was happy. He said some very heartfelt vows to me at their wedding, and I honestly was transitioning into calling him dad.
Then, when his first own child was born. He started not being this super nice step dad that I could look up to, He would often say stuff under his breath like "Fucking Bitch.." Mind you, I’m like 11. Or mean mug me whenever we’re alone, aswell as shove me if I am on the couch sitting next to him.
Idk, It just feels really weird to have him switch up ever since his first own child was born and hes been doing all this mean stuff. I am now 17 years old, moving out next year.
He still says these things under his breath, and he always tries to intimidate me in some way. I still haven’t called him dad. AITA?
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So nobody is asking you to call him dad?
Nope. They only make me call my step brothers, Brothers. But I actually am fine with that.
Blood relation or not the term dad is earned. It is not a name you are entitled to just because you are there or provided sperm. He has not earned that title by treating you so poorly.
Idk. It just sucks because my REAL dad, who would house me on the weekends. Is now in rehab for drug use and I just feel so like guilty? I dont know how to feel cause everythings hitting me at once, lol.
Na, NTA. I’m much older than you and only just started referring to my step-mom as mom, and she’s honestly been great this entire time. My mom has always been in my life and I think of myself as having two mom’s now.
Thing is, she’s proven her mom-ness over the years and one day, at the ripe old age of idk, maybe 35?, i just decided she was also my mom and that’s that.
Whispering insults under his breath is not okay and I’m sorry that’s been your experience. I wouldn’t call him dad either!
Aww sweetheart I am so sorry that “Kevin” turned out to be such a jerk. Of course you are NTA. Have you told your mom about his behavior? You should never have had to put up with a parental figure in your own home treating you this way. If you have. not talked to your mom about this please do. This is cruel and what a huge jerk to treat a young girl this way.
No, My mom’s a stay at home mom and I feel like revealing this especially after dealing with it for about like 6-8 years now, Is just rude of me. I’m also scared if I say anything I’d end up on the news for getting murdered or something, Lol.
I’m also a male :p
NTA.
When it comes to step parents I really think that the title of Mom or Dad has to be earned.
My youngest child. Their bio father chose to not have a part in kiddo’s life. (Bio dad’s family is involved to an extent and some would be more involved if we lived closer. That’s another story.) When the kiddo was about 11 I became involved with someone. For financial and insurance reasons we couldn’t legally marry. But he loved my kid like that was his own kid.
Having gone through being forced to call a step parent “mom” when I was in my teens, and having been emotionally abused by that step parent, I wasn’t about to force my kid to call their step parent anything. Kiddo wasn’t completely consistent but there were times they called my SO “dad”.
However from what it sounds like, your step father is being verbally abusive towards you. Honestly… he doesn’t deserve that respect from you.
NTA: you should tell him what you wrote here and how you feel. If I heard this from my step-daughter it would make me cry. Maybe it’s a miscommunication. Give it a shot.
This will probably be long, but…
The only one pressuring you to call him “Dad” is you. It’s natural to want, to *need* a dad. Especially when you don’t have one that’s reliable.
Dad is more than a title that’s assigned to a male authority figure. It’s a complex list of roles and needs that are filled over the years. Dad isn’t always a binary “Yes or No”. The role of “Dad” can be filled to different extents by different people. It’s easiest if all those roles are filled by one person, but that’s not always how things work.
You can recognize that your step-father was maybe “like a father” to you in certain areas, while completely failing you in many others. He, objectively speaking, hasn’t earned the title of “Dad”. That’s the reality of it. Don’t hurt yourself further by trying to make someone into something they’re not.
Speaking from experience… if you have a dad-shaped hole in you… it somehow fades over time. My Dad is objectively *awesome*, but he unfortunately wasn’t telepathic and therefore didn’t fulfill certain complex emotional needs during a traumatic period in my life. I ended up a bit clingy and insecure by my late teens. I had a physical ache in my chest when I would think about it, like I was collapsing in on myself… it fades over time, as much as my 17 yo self would refuse to believe it. I hope it does for you too.
You don’t have to give the title of “Dad” to this man. You shouldn’t. He hasn’t earned it and doesn’t deserve it. Don’t set up expectations from him that you know he won’t meet. If you can get certain “dad” qualities from him, enjoy it, I suppose. If you can get “dad” qualities from your bio, great. You can also learn to fill some of those needs on your own. I think it’s normal for this topic to hurt more at this age. It did for me and got better in time. But learning to lower my eternally optimistic expectations (of people in general) was a brutal and necessary lesson around that age. Sorry.
Accept that he’s going to fail you and will probably never be the dad you want or that you needed. If you can manage a civil and friendly relationship, great. But don’t pressure yourself to call him “Dad” or expect him to act like one.
I’m 58 and my mom got married again a few years ago, I just call this guy New Dad.