I used to be good friends with this guy who we’ll call Jake. We were friends for over a decade since the beginning of high school but we drifted apart due to us being at different life stages and to be honest, I’ve started to dislike him over the years because of his anger issues and I think he can be a bit of a narcissist. But at the moment, I am good friends with his younger brother.
His brother (who we’ll call Fergie) has a lot of issues going on. He’s been homeless, had drug issues, and got into debt, but despite this, we get along very well. Because of this, I occasionally have to interact with Jake to keep him updated because sometimes he gets worried about him, but we barely ever speak anymore. Once a fortnight maybe but I never initiate contact.
One night, Fergie turned up to Jake’s house high on drugs/drunk and had claimed that his phone had been stolen. He ran out after apparently spotting the thieves and had set off the fire alarm. Jake messaged to tell me this and – I don’t remember – but he told me to contact him if Fergie ever gets a new phone and contacts me. I had some issues going on in my own life and was busy at work so I just forgot.
A couple of days later, Fergie messages me and we hang out. Nothing really out of the ordinary, he seems fine but is staying somewhere else. Jake messages me days later and finds out that I’ve been contacting Fergie. He was raging at me saying that the police had been looking for him because he had been reported missing and did a welfare check – I had no idea nor did Fergie. Jake started verbally abusing me calling me a r*tard for not contacting him and I said that I understand that he is stressed and worried about his brother, but he should show a bit more respect. I also assumed that Fergie had already contacted when he got his new phone because 1.) Fergie appeared OK and 2.) They are brothers so I believe it’s a reasonable assumption that Fergie would contact his family first rather than his friends.
I explained that I didn’t contact him about Fergie because I had stuff going on in my own life, I had no idea he was reported missing, and I barely ever speak to Jake so he’s not really my primary source of contact. I simply forgot. Jake said that I should be "more aware of the world around me", blocked me, then unblocked and took more jabs at me. I blocked him everywhere and don’t intend on speaking again – I’m sick of him taking his stress out on me as he’s done in the past. He also said that by not contacting, it was my fault that emergency services got their resources wasted.
AITA here?
NTA. Jake is taking his frustrations with his brothers lifestyle out on you.
NAH – You probably should have contacted him, but you weren’t to know the gravity of the situation. Your friend shouldn’t have said those things but he’s naturally extremely distressed at the moment. These all seem like normal human reactions
It sounds like Jake casually said “Let me know if you hear from him”, didnʻt make a big deal of it, didnʻt follow up at all even though you were a regular source of Fergie information for him, and didnʻt tell you they reported Fergie missing. Is that right? NTA.
Basically, yeah.
NTA. It’s not your job to manage the relationship between the guys. It’s not your job to report Fergie’s movements to Jake. Jake clearly has anger issues and needs to get his temper under control. Using hateful slurs, especially at someone who has been trying to HELP him is absolutely unacceptable. Block his number. He’s dangerous.
Jake has been violent in the past when he’s lost arguments and I suspect he’s been violent towards his ex. He has been going to therapy to be fair, but he still gets verbally abusive and kinda gaslights people. He always apologises after but it’s every time and he does it again, and I’m just tired of being spoken to badly.
You’re not Jake’s friend but you are Fergie’s. This behavior sounds really concerning to me, a person that doesn’t know him.
“One night, Fergie turned up to Jake’s house high on drugs/drunk and had claimed that his phone had been stolen. He ran out after apparently spotting the thieves and had set off the fire alarm. Jake messaged to tell me this and – I don’t remember – but he told me to contact him if Fergie ever gets a new phone and contacts me”
When your friend reached out to you a couple of days later you didn’t even inquire about the incident? Like not even, “Jake told me what happened the other night, are you ok? Did you tell Jake you’re OK?”
Everyone has a lot going on dude, while you’re not his keeper, but even expressing concern for him after that incident doesn’t sound life friendship.
ESH because Jake’s reaction was over the top.
I’m going with ESH. I feel like there’s more to this story. but that’s just based on my own experiences with knowing junkies and their friends.