I (19F) recently finished the 12th grade and was about to go to college however life had other plans and didn’t make it. This took a big blow on my self-esteem as I also had to stay home in 2020 due to not being able to find a high school for 8th grade. I was insecure cos I had to watch my peers move to the next chapter of their lives while I had to stay home alone, clean and take my younger sibling to school every day that whole year. Yes, it wasn’t that bad cos Covid-19 but it still affected me because I will once again watch my peers move to the next chapter of their lives while I stay home, clean and take my younger sibling to school every day.
My older brother left school after 10th grade cos of his learning disabilities, and has stayed home ever since. He makes manga but for himself mainly, doesn’t publish it. So most of the time, he’s drawing and the only chore he has is doing the dishes AT NIGHT. While my younger sister(15F) and I divide the rest of the chores but I get majority of them. Yes sometimes I get lazy and put off some chores but I get them done. But because my older brother does this one chore, apparently it made him a saint even if you constantly have to check up on him cos he forgets to lock the door or take out the trash or wipe down the counter.
Fast forward to last night, my mother asked me to cook dinner. I don’t mind cooking dinner but the way she phrased it really hurt: "Since you’re home, you should cook." As I stood up, I thought I’d take it like I always did but it really cut deep. So I said: "You don’t have to say it like that, just saying go cook dinner would’ve been fine. What you said hurt my feelings." She got defensive and started going off on me.
Note I have anxiety, she knows this. So I start breathing heavily cos as a black child living in your mother’s house talking back is a one-way ticket to Jesus. At this point, we’re yelling back and forth then I snap saying: "He (my older brother) doesn’t do much and yet you always go off at me. My older brother has ADHD, don’t get me wrong I understand that he has issues.
She yells saying how ungrateful I am, and how they shouldn’t have to tiptoe around me in order to exist. I tell her that not what I meant, I just said that she could’ve phrase her sentence in a way that didn’t remind me of the fact that I failed to go to college. Obviously, that didn’t end well and she ended up saying I shouldn’t cook and not eat her food if I was being ungrateful.
I go to my room cos what else can I do. As usual she calls the entire extended family, telling them how ungrateful I am and secrets I told her confidentially, of course they eat it up cos they have nothing better to do and are millennials.
I leave the house around 7:34pm and only return at 9:45pm and she’s still on the call bad mouthing me.
So, what should I do? I genuinely think apologizes won’t fly this time around.
Am I the a**hole??
Been thru this exact situation but with no siblings. My cousins made fun of me my entire life, calling me “cinderelly” like the rats in Cinderella bc my mom used me as a maid she could talk shit about and publicly embarrass. Trust me, once you’re away from her, people will hear you and see you. Maybe some of her friends even. It does get better. Just focus on getting out of there and experiencing a little slice of life. Nothing lasts forever 💕
Have you applied to a large variety of colleges? Community colleges? Do you have a job or are you trying to get one?
YTA. Weird that you took that as insult about you not being in school and not as an insult about you not having a job. You can’t NOT do both.
ESH your mom is using a double standard by not asking more from your brother but if you aren’t in school or working it’s pretty much fair game to ask for you to cook .
You are 100% supported by your parents, you aren’t pursuing further education/training, and you don’t have a job…did it occur to you that “since you’re home” could easily mean “since you don’t have a job”?
Yeah, YTA – you should either (a) enroll in college classes, or (b) get a job and start planning (and saving) to move out.
Get a job. I understand you’re bummed about college but you absolutely don’t need a college degree or even acceptance into college to start earning money. Just get a job. Wait tables. Work at a store in the mall, start driving for Uber. Do all three.
In
YTA
90% of this post is you listing unnecessary details to try to gain sympathy. “Woe is me look at all the bad things in my life” doesn’t mean you get to be an AH.
We get it – you resent your brother. What he does has nothing to do with you taking offense to a comment your mom made. Her comment wasn’t even mean spirited or wrong, and based on how you reacted I can definitely understand her remark about having to tiptoe around you.
Have you been assessed for ADHD? Its very hereditary so its quite likely to have it if you have a sibling diagnosed. Look into how ADHD presents in women, in particular Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (RSD) & emotional regulation might help to understand some of the family dynamics here
YTA. You can still work while not in school. Contributing to the house is the minimum of you’re doing nothing all day
YTA. You are an adult and need to pull your weight in the household, especially if you are not in school or employed. Get a job and/or find a local community college.
Thanks for the feedback. There are a few things I need to clarify.
1. I did apply for colleges and unfortunately didn’t get. The class of 2025 in my country consisted of almost 1 million students and 500 000 of ones were rejected due to lack of space in colleges.
2. Yes, I actively looking for a job cos I can’t just sit
around doing nothing. My country doesn’t allow anyone under 18 to work or drive and retail jobs are hard to find as they’re reluctant to hire the younger people. And most jobs require degrees.
3. Maybe I don’t understand ADHD but I don’t get how a person can sit all day doing nothing but draw. Drop out of school at 16, live at home til 22 and do 1 chore but somehow you’re the most reliable person in the house.
4. I’m genuinely not out here, seeking sympathy. I wanted a different opinion on my situation so that I can reflect.