I am trying to wade through this situation to figure out whether I am totally crazy or not. Yesterday was my (37F) husband’s birthday (he turned 39). We were on vacation in LA (three hour time difference from our home on the east coast) until the day before his birthday, getting back in around 10:30pm. It was a good but exhausting trip, with us, our nearly-five-year-old, and my mom.
Before the trip I told him that I had gifts for him but that I wasn’t going to be able to make a pie (I always make him a key lime pie) for the day of his birthday since we were just getting in the night before and would be exhausted. He totally understood that. I said my daughter and I would make the pie over the weekend. And I asked him many many times during the weeks leading up to his birthday, including while we were in LA, if he wanted to do anything on his birthday. I asked about lunch/dinner, a movie, Chinatown, whatever. I had several ideas and kept prompting him to share his. He kept saying he would think about it. During the LA trip after one of these promptings he said we would just relax and hang out at home on his birthday (while my daughter was in school). I had already blocked the day off from work and declined several meetings because it was his birthday. Relaxing sounded good to me.
The day came and I was super exhausted from travel. I couldn’t sleep the night before and fell asleep around 1:30am. I got our daughter ready for school while my husband showered, and then he took her to school, which is our routine. I was totally crashing and needed to sleep. I made a pot of coffee so it would be ready for him when he got home and then I fell back asleep. I woke up about an hour and a half later, around 9:45. He was in the bathroom so I read in bed waiting for him to come out. When he did, I asked him if he wanted to do anything during the day. I gave him one of the gifts I had gotten for him. I also asked him if he wanted anything for lunch or dinner. Nothing, just hang, we can figure it out.
I then took my turn in the bathroom. When I got out he was in the living room playing a video game so I went back to reading. He came in later and was clearly upset so I asked what was wrong. He said I had just been ignoring him all day on his birthday, he was upset I slept and was reading, that I wasn’t spending time with him. I was totally taken aback because I had been asking for weeks what he wanted to do and he kept saying nothing, just relax. I thought that was what we were doing–relaxing after a long trip with a four year old.
Later he said he was upset because he was expecting me to do something for him on his birthday. From my perspective we had talked about that several times and it seemed like we were just laying low. I feel like he had expectations but never shared them with me. I feel this was an issue of miscommunication. I feel horrible that me sleeping in hurt his feelings and that my reading hurt his feelings. I also wish I had known.
Absolutely NTA. The guy had many chances to say what he wanted to happen. What you did appears to be what he asked for. If he wanted something else he should have said so. He was playing his game so there’s no issue with reading, both were relaxing.
NTA
It sounds like you asked multiple times what he wanted to do. He can’t expect you to read his mind. He was fully capable of telling you if he had changed his mind or even if he wanted you to relax while doing something together or even just hanging out in the same room.
I’d suggest telling him with “I” statements why you’re confused. Something like “I feel confused that you wanted to relax for your birthday but then expected something else. Can we discuss how to not have these mixups in the future?”