I’m new to Reddit so sorry if my formattings convoluted. I just need an opinion from someone completely unrelated to me.
For context a couple of years ago I had a really manipulative ex partner, it was a really toxic relationship riddled with love bombing and guilt tripping. I normally am really good at getting a vibe for people but somehow this guy slipped through the cracks. I was a minor at the time and thus pretty naive and they took advantage of that slowly demanding more and more until I was completely drained.
This is when my mom comes in. I grew up without a lot of privacy; all passwords shared, no locked doors, sometimes no door, etc etc, thus my mom had the password to my phone and took full advantage of that. While I was busy doing some chores she went through my phone, specifically my messages with said partner. I was keeping the relationship secret, maybe out of fear or maybe just because it was in a pretty short time period but as all teenagers do the messages weren’t very…appropriate for another person’s eyes. Which caused me to get grounded. The good thing was this 2 month period of being alone in my thoughts caused me to realize that it was toxic and also that most of the relationship was just elaborate way to use me.
And finally this is where the thing I cannot forgive comes in, my mom went through my phone top to bottom and took screenshots of everything. Like I don’t mean a couple messages I mean basically everything that was said, for months, which completely caused me to spiral into a deeply anxious/depressed space (basically regretting being alive) and lose trust in her completely. She didn’t just go through messages too, she delved into every nook and cranny she could and basically scrubbed my phone for every personal thought or feeling I’ve ever experienced. It was extremely violating.
Recently the topic of my ex came up again and I mentioned to my mom how devastating it was to have whats basically my entire life looked through and my mom joked about it. She essentially said that I should be thankful she did that or I wouldn’t have gotten out and that it wasn’t that big of a deal. I responded by saying that it caused me to never feel able to trust her to that extent again, or anyone for that matter. I explained that it was like having someone open my head up and laugh at its contents, she responded by saying that she’s a horrible mother then and she cannot do anything right even when she has my best interests at heart. I dropped it and haven’t talked about it since. But I do feel really guilty because the invasion of privacy did cause me to get away from such a horrible situation.
Nah dude that’s some serious gaslighting she got caught so she’s playing the guilt card
I hate the whole, “I’m such a terrible mom then.” My mom used to do that to me. Fortunately now, she doesn’t and lets me have my own thoughts and feelings. I swear growing up it honestly felt like I couldn’t. I was always criticized for showing any feelings or different opinions.
The way mom responded at the end is what my bipolar mom who I am pretty sure is also a narcissist would would respond.
NTA. Two things can be true at the same time: her actions helped you get out of a bad situation and they were deeply violating and hurt you. You don’t owe forgiveness just because something good accidentally came out of something that traumatized you. Intent doesn’t erase impact.
Also, joking about it later and guilt-tripping you with “I must be a horrible mother then” instead of acknowledging how much it messed you up is a big part of why it still hurts. That kind of breach of trust sticks, especially when you were already vulnerable. You’re allowed to protect yourself and your boundaries now, even if she thinks she was “doing the right thing.”
Your mom is toxic as hell herself. Quit talking to her. She’s probably the reason you got into a toxic relationship in the first place – because she created that relationship template with you, first. It’s like someone who starts a fire so they can “save” people from the fire they set and be heros. NTA. Leave her behind in your life.
“My abuser saved me from my other abuser!”
Where do you think you learned to tolerate controlling, disrespectful, manipulative behavior in the first place?
Exactly!!
I came to say exacly this. Both are abusers. OP‘s mom isn‘t any better than the ex-partner, one abuser just cancelled the other abuser out. You need therapy and also need to set clear boundaries with your mom. She is completely controlling you.
NTA. She may have done some good, but went too far. He laughing is really quite cruel. I trust she doesn’t have your passwords any more.
NTA. You can acknowledge that her actions helped you exit a toxic situation *and* still hold that the way she did it was deeply violating. Good outcomes don’t erase harm, and her joking about it later instead of taking responsibility is what really blocks trust and forgiveness here
NTA. She didn’t do any of this to save you, she did it because she’s a controlling abusive person. This unhealthy way of treating you is probably how you didn’t see the guy you were dating was also bad for you- you’ve never learned what that looks like because your mom does it all the time. Im so sorry she did this to you, OP.
NtA. That your mother’s horrible behavior also ended helping was a happy coincidence. You could have easily doubled down, see him as your only escape of a horrible, controlling mother, and ran away with him to be isolated and worse.
Both of you got super lucky that you were able to see the abuse, *in spite of* her behavior. It wasn’t *because* of it.
Your mother is acting like every self-centered parent, that can’t ever be wrong: everything is done in absolutes, when it benefits them.
Please try to get out of that house, get some therapy and then live your life separate from her.
Parents that give their kids no privacy just have kids that don’t trust them and are good at hiding things.
NTA. your mom completely violated your privacy and trust by going through your phone and taking screenshots of personal messages. it’s understandable that this would cause you to lose trust in her and feel uncomfortable sharing personal information with her. It’s not something to be joked about.
NTA, I went through a very similar situation growing up and I have paranoia about people going through my devices to this day (though it’s gotten better). My parents finding my messages only added to my stress — the difference in my situation was that I tried even harder to continue and hide the relationship because I “knew they wouldn’t understand”. Ultimately it took my friends’ help for me to muster up the guts to break up with my shitty partner. My parents take credit for ending the relationship to this day. I moved out of their house as soon as I could and went low contact. Your mom’s actions and her dismissal of your feelings is how she’ll end up with a low- to no-contact relationship with her own child as well.