I’ve been living with my mom and my brother for the past 4-5 months. (moving out real soon) I send my mom 500 to cover half the rent. That’s what we agreed on. At the same time I’ve been saving up for a surgery I’ve been planning for months now, which I already have a date scheduled for 02/03 and I already put a deposit in. I’m barely gonna be able to pay for the surgery on that date but that’s fine because i’ll be getting paid the day after and I’ve really been wanting it for years. My mom is aware of this and she has been supportive.
She just messaged me this morning asking for an advance on the $500 and I literally can’t. (We agreed I would be paying her on the 4th, with some extra) I would have to reschedule my surgery until June and have to do labs again. She said since she had to spend so much money on medicine this month since her and my brother got sick, she missed her car payment and the water bill so we’re about to get our water cut off and she says my surgery isn’t important , we need the money NOW.
I asked her to pawn her laptop, or her ipad that she doesn’t even use and she went off on me and called me a self absorbed asshole…
Am I the asshole for not wanting to fuck myself over to cover expenses that she has?
NTA–You’re already paying half the rent for (at least) people. And elective or not, this surgery will cost more if not done in the time frame scheduled. Mom can get a loan.
You paid your way and had nothing to do with why they need more money. Pushing your surgery to make up for your mom’s financial incompetence would be a huge favour and definitely should not be expected. You mom’s wrong accusing you of being selfish. Demanding your kid to postpone something they want for them selves to fix your lack of for thought is completely selfish
This. Sounds like mom has been financially irresponsible, left bills unpaid for too long and trying to now make it your problem to be responsible for her and your brother. NTA.
NTA. Sounds like your Mom over spent expecting you to cover it. Her and your brother should of budgeted. You said you pay half. I would think if her income is that low she can get aid for prescriptions. You plan on moving soon, how will she afford bills then?
NTA
If they’re threatening to turn off the water she’s already behind on the water bill. I can’t recall ever having any utility turned off until it’s at least 30 days PAST due, typically utilities give you a little more time than that, too.
Assuming the bills were all due in the month of January, whether you pay her now or on the 4th – the damage is done. Late fees have likely already been assessed and further damage doesn’t really kick in on anything until 30+ days late.
This may be a hot take but if you can’t afford to move out of your mom’s house then you can’t afford whatever cosmetic surgery you’re getting.
Because 500 a month for rent is a hell of a lot less than youd be paying in the real world.
Op doesn’t mention the surgery being cosmetic at all.
They say it in a comment. It’s a rhinoplasty.
NTA. They don’t shut your water off after missing one payment. It sounds more like she’s trying to control you.
You had an agreed upon schedule of payment. Sorry mom can’t give you an advance,my money is already spent. You’ll have your $ at the previously agreed schedule.
I commented below about why I think you’re NTA, but another note OP: you need to put your mom on an information diet.
NEVER tell your family you have savings or are saving up for anything. In future, if she needs to know about an expense (like say you’ll be recovering from another surgery, etc), then tell her you’re charging it on a credit card to pay off later.
In my experience, telling your family your business about having savings is a huge mistake. They always think they can factor it into their own budget, and they’ll engage in horrible forms of emotional blackmail to con you out of those savings. Used to happen to me all the time until I started lying and saying my savings were gone.
They don’t cut off your water after one late bill
I would just say, matter of factly, ” Nope, we agreed on the 4th” and then just shit it down. Don’t hmmm and hhhhhaaa with her. Just shut it down and tell her you’ll see her on the 4th.
NTA
It doesn’t matter what kind of surgery you are getting: you have been saving and planning for it for months whereas mom has been irresponsible with the finances and expects you to pick up her slack.
Poor planning on her part is not an emergency on your part. She needs to look into community resources and see if help is available if the need is that urgent.
I don’t want to put thoughts in your head, but it seems like she’s trying to sabotage your plans. Please update us