I (F) have been with my husband for 6 years, married for 3. We have a 2-year-old child and I’m currently pregnant. There has been ongoing tension with my in-laws for years. They tend to dismiss my concerns and take no accountability. One example: when my toddler had a normal tantrum, my MIL claimed he had a demon and later she said that she meant well and I was exaggerating. Two months ago, a separate family conflict occurred involving my husband’s sister and my brother (my sister-in-law broke up with my brother after three months) , during which my in-laws attacked my mother and escalated the situation and they don’t understand that such behavior towards my family can also hurt me. Shortly after, my FIL sent me an accusatory message that left me extremely upset. Since then, I’ve limited contact to reduce stress. A family weekend trip was planned for November and later postponed to the end of February (around my MIL’s birthday). By that time, I’ll be in my third trimester. Given recent events and past behavior, I’m concerned that attending would expose me to significant stress and negatively affect my health. A recent conversation meant to clear the air turned into a two-hour argument where my in-laws insisted they did nothing wrong, minimized my concerns, and demanded an apology from me. The issue remains unresolved.
I have decided not to attend this trip. I don’t want to inform my in-laws in advance because past experience tells me it will lead to prolonged guilt-tripping and pressure to change my mind. I will discuss this with my husband, but I do not plan to notify his family beforehand. The trip is already paid for, and I don’t want a refund. I really don’t want to go, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m the problem and shouldn’t make such a scene. AITA if I simply don’t show up without warning them?
YWBTA if you left it to the last minute – that would be a valid thing for them to call you out for, even if they have been complete AHs to you so far. Just tell them plainly – “I’m not attending” – and leave it as that.
you failed to say where partner stands on trip.
He will probably go because I don’t think he would decide not to go since it’s for his parents.
so he allows them to treat you badly and is going away while you are pregnant and have his two year old? you need a better man.
INFO what happened between your brother and SIL in their breakup?
Does your husband just stand around and let his parents treat you and your child like dirt all the time
He says something, but I do most of the talking. He has trouble standing up to his parents, I think it’s because he’s heard practically nothing but criticism from them and he’s afraid of disappointing them. After our last conversation, I told him he needs to learn to stand up for me because this can’t go on, and he promised to change that.
NTA! You don’t travel that close to GO time unless there’s a REALLY good reason (like Funeral, family emergency, whatever). Vacation wouldn’t be enough for me, even without the shrewish BS from people who shame you as a parent and called your son demonic or possessed.
I see 2 ways this shakes out–
IF you tell them ahead of time, they’ll start the stress right away, which means they might get on your husband’s last nerve and he’ll start backing you up like he should be.
If you just >POOF< don’t show up at the airport or whatever, they’ll spin your decision as the foundation for calling you a bad mother (again) or trying to say you’re not sane and they need to get more involved to protect you from yourself/protect the kids.
Either one of those options is something you should be prepared for in advance. Places to start dealing with the fights you’ve got coming for you are finding out if everyone involved is in a “one party consent to record” state. That way when she comes up with a new name to call your son, you’ll know if it’s a mistake to “accidentally” facetime yourself and save the recording of her triangulation attempts.
Maybe let the pediatrician and your OB/GYN know that there’s some friction with you and your MIL and you need to know what can be done to protect you and the littles.
Starting to save a little money on the side that your in laws and spouse don’t know about. “Birthday Savings” or escape fund? Depends on who’s asking about it.
Just tell them your doctor wants you to not travel and tell them now instead of waiting last minute. Tell them it’s out of concern for your and the baby’s health.
Your husband needs to back you up so that you aren’t in these kinds of situations where you are the one being accused of this and that. He should have your back. Now I read that he will probably go on the trip, even if you don’t, leaving you at home with a toddler and pregnant. That’s not okay.
Tell them you are not going and be tough about it. Don’t allow them to bait you. Stop the arguments before they happen by telling them that you refuse to engage. It’s obvious that they aren’t going to change (been there myself). They probably get satisfaction ganging up on you (also been there). You need to try a different tactic. Maybe even estrangement if they don’t change.
Don’t wait until the last minute. YWBTA. Tell them now that you have reconsidered because you don’t feel up to it. Do not argue. Do not engage. You have made your decision.
Your husband is very absent in this post. This is his family and he should be the one addressing it when they misbehave. They call your child a demon, then he should be the one to tell them that that is not okay. If they try to minimize then he should shut that down too. I don’t hear you say your husband defends you, or stands up for you. That’s a bad sign for your marriage.
As for your sil, brother and mom. Whatever happened there is on them. It was just three months of dating. No reason for your in laws or your mother to get involved. If your in laws attacked your mom for no reason, then that is unacceptable. If it was a give and take situation, then but out since they would both be in the wrong. If it was physical then you stay far away from the attacker, and encourage the victim to press charges.
And leave it up to your husband to inform the in laws.
NTA
You do what is best for your mental and physical health. Your safety and well-being and that of your baby are paramount.
I *do* think this is a good discussion for you to have with your husband because it probably isn’t going to be a good thing to surprise *him* with. I do hope he is the type of husband who will understand and support you and not go running off to mommy to tell her though.
Where is your husband in all this, time for him to step up!!!!
Husband problem. Next.