Some background context: I\[30F\] have been with my husband \[35F\] for 10 years (married for 2) and have spent the last 8 years catering to his mother’s request to attend dinner gatherings with his side of the family
Early on in our relationship it wasn’t a big deal since i never had to pay but it became an expectation and started to collide with my family events, or dating plans.His mother’s plan would take priority even if other plans were already made.
I was always grateful but personally never felt comfortable going. To make my then boyfriend happy i decided to go and spend money on buying gifts, cake, food etc.
I would be the one reminding him about wishing them the best during their milestones, arranging delivery of gifts from my family to his mom, marking their birthdays in my calendar, etc but never once received anything back from his mother to my family or myself. I don’t have any expectations to receive anything from his extended family.
Once we became serious and eventually married i realized his mother has never given my family any gifts or made an effort even when i became her daughter in law. She doesn’t even remember my birthday(one day before her niece-same year). My husband is an only child and father passed away when he was young
My family doesn’t care about this and has never complained but it hurts to see them being treated like this, especially when they always remember my husband’s favourite foods, birthday, ask how he is doing, etc
For additional context: husband doesnt plan celebrations for me. We don’t celebrate anniversaries and he doesn’t go above or beyond for my family
This year i had asked him to plan something special for my 30th- which he still largely brushed off. His mom also forgot to wish me HBD.
I had a discussion with husband about importance of treating me nicely and asked him to talk to his mom too. The only thing I received from his mom after was a gift basket of snacks (to both of us) catered to husbands taste for christmas
Lunar new year rolls around and we are invited to dinner 53kms away from home. Difference this time is im currently 7 weeks pregnant and am taking medication for first trimester nausea and although the medicine helps sometimes the food cravings, dizzy etc kicks in and its hard for me to function as this is my first pregnancy.Husband wants both of us to go but his mother has never treated me like family so AITA if i just dont go and prioritize myself? Husband will not be gifting anything to my family and his mom wont either
Note: his mother is not poor she is just cheap..
yta to yourself. Sorry your husband is kinda stinky in his treatment of you, and so is his mama. This isn’t changing any time soon and once you have the baby it may get worse.
ESH
You knowingly married an uncaring man with an uncaring mother and are now complaining about them being the people you already knew they were. 🤦♂️
NTA- and I would think very carefully if this is an environment you want to bring your unborn child into
NTA, and you need to set some boundaries and now is the time to start. Don’t go to the Lunar New Year party. Just don’t.
Unfortunately, you have a husband problem in addition to a MIL problem. I’d have another talk with him about how it hurts when he can barely bother to do anything for a major milestone like your 30th birthday even after you asked him to.
Good luck with all this once there’s a baby. You seem to have both a husband and MIL problem and it’s clear where he got his lack of consideration.
NTA, I’m sorry your husband and MIL treat you like you’re not important. You need to start seriously communicating with your husband about how he treats you because it’ll only become worse when the baby comes.
The fact that your husband doesn’t come to your aid that you’re nauseous and not past the first trimester (critical period) to tell MIL himself that you shouldn’t travel long distance already speaks to how this pregnancy will go for you. Set your own boundaries if he won’t protect you. You need to rest, and more important not put yourself in situations that cause you unnecessary stress.
I wish this type of relationship never finds me…
NTA. This is simple. If you do all the giving and it is never reciprocated, stop giving. That applies to MIL and husband. On your birthday, Valentine’s Day, etc., do something nice for yourself. Some families really aren’t gift givers, or don’t celebrate birthdays. That might be part of the issue.
NTA. Your problem is your husband, not his mother.
NTA. I suggest you read this and share it with your husband: [Dad Privilege Checklist](https://zawn.substack.com/p/the-dad-privilege-checklist). This is a problem with your spouse. You’ve made things easier for him to a degree that he’s taken that and turned it into getting way too comfortable ignoring you. Talk this out before a baby comes along. His mother is tactless to accept gifts and not return the gesture, but your husband is worse.
NTA: But unfortunately you have a much bigger husband problem than a MIL, if your husband doesn’t treat you like you are special or important to him why would his mom. She is following her son lead. You deserve to be treated with love and respect you need to really think about this relationship.
Nta, I don’t know why your still with him/them. Make your people who care about and make you happy your priority not the people who show you repeatedly your never ever going to be their priority.
NTA(?) but why are you expecting your MIL to put in more of an effort than your husband? It doesn’t sound like either of them like you.
NTA. Morning sickness is a perfectly valid reason to be excused from any social function.
However:
I sympathize with the fact that you have been doing all the heavy lifting in trying to maintain good relationships with his family, and you feel unloved and unappreciated for it. But I also get the impression you’ve CHOSEN to take on a lot of this heavy lifting, and that at least some of the people you’re doing it for may never have expected you to, or at the very least, don’t care whether you do or not.
**It’s time to put the brakes on it.**
*I would be the one reminding him about wishing them the best during their milestones, arranging delivery of gifts from my family to his mom, marking their birthdays in my calendar, etc but never once received anything back from his mother to my family or myself.*
It’s not clear whether you are still doing this. But if you are, **stop doing it**. Stop doing any of it. **You are not your husband’s social secretary.** Remembering the birthdays of his mother and other family members, buying gifts and delivering them, and all the rest, is his responsibility. He’s a big boy. He can do it.
*arranging delivery of gifts* ***from my family*** *to his mom*
I’m not quite sure what you mean by “my family”, but if you mean your parents and/or your siblings, there is no reason why any of them should EVER have been giving your mother-in-law gifts, unless she’s a personal friend of theirs.
You are related to her. THEY are not. They have no obligations towards her, and you have no obligations towards her on their behalf. If might be different (although still a bit weird) if your mother-in-law had ever been giving gifts to them, but you said she has never done so. **Stop this excessive and senseless giving of gifts.**
I think if you offload that responsibility right now – either by stopping it completely or by delegating to your husband what can’t be stopped – you’ll feel a lot happier.
And if your husband thinks you should keep on doing it, and he won’t step up and do his bit, then **you don’t have a mother-in-law problem. You have a husband problem.**
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Best of luck.
NTA but I don’t understand the marriage. Why are you with someone where you have to do the mental load and maintain his relationships while he does nothing in return?
Is it because it’s been 10 years and you’ve fallen for the Sunk Cost Fallacy?
There are plenty of men out there that absolutely would make the effort and you wouldn’t have to put up with a MiL like that