I’ve been dating my girlfriend (21 years old) for 1 1/2 years. Her sister is turning 17 today and is having a birthday party at their parents house that I was invited too.
Last December my girlfriend and I had a problem that had her parents get involved and caused my relationship with her parents to sour . Before this incident I would go to holidays and birthdays with her parents. Every time I would go it would usually be uncomfortable for me because usually someone would do something that would cause a problem at dinner. For Example, during her older brothers(30ish Male) birthday, who is on the spectrum and unable to work, received a call from his grandmother (moms side) on speaker phone. The relationship between his mom and his grandmother is strained and this phone call caused an issue between him and the mom because she wanted him to hang up and it made everyone uncomfortable.
Another issue we had prior to this incident was we went to an ice cream shop with the family and while eating outside I dropped a napkin and her father would make subtle remarks regarding my intelligence. (Which my girlfriend stood up for me)
Once the incident subsided that day (which I won’t go into due to involving my girlfriends personal situation, but my girlfriend and I were both wrong and came to an agreement on that) her mother and father where shit talking me about what happened to my girlfriend to soothe her. Her father then came up to me while I was sitting on the couch and was threatening, and emasculating me. He then said if I had a problem to step outside.
I have not spoken to her father and have exchanged a couple messages with her mother since then, but I was told a few days ago that they are “ready to bury the hatchet.” They then asked my girlfriend today if I was going to come over for her sister’s birthday, which I declined because I was not ready, usually the encounters with her parents are uncomfortable *even before* the incident, and the sudden invitation today after she got home from work at around 2:30. (I was off today so I actually got to see her and that’s why I’m sad this happened because I wanted to hang out with her lol)
My girlfriend got upset with me because of this. She said if she wants to be in a relationship me than I should try to have a good relationship with her parents. (Which is reasonable) Her parents are also the only free form of transportation since we cant drive or have a car. I told her I was not ready yet and today does not have to be the day that decides everything regarding her parents.
Before she left I tried to come in to the bedroom apologize and explain myself some more but she did not want to talk (which is fine) so I came back to the living room and started writing this.
I just want to know if it’s ok for me to not go? Or should I have sucked it up and went for to help better the relationship between the parents.
Sorry if my punctuation and run-off sentences are hard to read I’m not an author lol.
NTA…just because they’re ready, that doesn’t make you ready. If she doesn’t respect this, you have some big questions to ask yourself about your relationship.
Just break it off bud. The apple does not fall far from the tree and if her parents are like this, she will develop similar (albeit perhaps not as severe) tendencies.
That’s the weird thing though, She is the “outcast”of her family. She was the rebel and always in trouble while they spoiled everybody else. She is COMPLETELY different from her siblings.
Her siblings have a lot of health issues. My girlfriend has celiac, her younger brother is allergic to everything, and her younger sister is extremely depressed and a shut in.
Her younger brother (who is in middle school.) did not know how to plug in an hdmi cable. They are extreme helicopter parents and I feel like she was able not absorb most of the issues that comes with that.
It’s odd that your talk about her brother then talk about her father. One sounds like it’s a valid problem the other sounds like none of your business. So usually when you add it’s because you believe that you need more ammo to back you up. But if you truly got into it with her father and he tells you to step outside that’s not acceptable. So he disrespected you. If he did, tell him to his face our last conversation where you told me to step outside if I didn’t like what you had to say, was unacceptable to me. Leave it at that. Obviously he’s gonna ask you so you’re never gonna talk to me again? And you’re gonna respond I’ll decide how I move forward not you. That’s the end of the conversation. It’s a few sentences and a minute and a half long. After you’ve had your say you walk. That’s how adults take care of disagreements where disrespect was involved.
100 percent the brother thing was none of my business. He doesn’t understand social cues very well and had the speaker phone sitting on the table while we were eating dinner. That was just the first I thought to share as a reason I didn’t like going over in the first place. There are other reasons why I didnt like going such as I feel I have to watch what I say very carefully because her parents are easily offended. Her mother yelled at my girlfriend in front of me for burping after her older brother told on her. I want to say something to them but my girlfriend relies on them and Idon’t want to drive a wedge in their relationship again. (That happened when I first moved in with her).
I respect her father a lot, and I understand his actions is what he feels to protect his daughter. I dont want to hurt any relationships because i love my girlfriend and he does the best he can. They help out my girlfriend when they can financially, and I don’t want to get in between that by causing drama.
Oh so why don’t you get them a doormat as a makeup gift. You won’t need to spend any money, just show up.
For right now, NTA.
Her parents’ behavior was really out of line. If they actually wanted to “bury the hatchet” on this, they would have invited you over for a smaller gathering with, ideally, just them and your GF and made a heartfelt apology for their behavior. Instead, they invited you over to a large family gathering where you will get a halfhearted “Let’s just leave this behind us, OK?” and not take accountability for their actions and expect you to not cause a scene.
What you need to do is set ground rules for what you will tolerate from them, hold those boundaries in place, and understand that it may affect your relationship with your GF.
NTA, you’ve set the boundary that you’re not ready to be around her parents (very reasonably so) and she’s upset because they’re ready before you. of course they’re ready, they caused the problems but for you it’s not wrong for you to be in a room of people who make it seem like they hate you.
Unfortunately, you’re about to become an ex-boyfriend I believe . If she is close to your family and you don’t want to spend time with them then that’s probably a dealbreaker. I would prepare yourself for this.