I 25f didn’t go to my parents’ Thanksgiving today and I feel like absolute shit about it, even though I had told them DAYS ago that I wasn’t going.
My relationship with my mom is extremely difficult. She argues with me almost every time I see her, even on normal days. She picks fights out of nowhere, makes me feel small, and twists things until I’m the bad guy. It always ends with me leaving feeling hurt or crying.
She also constantly asks me for money and acts like I’m selfish if I don’t hand it over instantly. It makes me feel less like a daughter and more like an ATM.
Meanwhile, my stepdad is the only stable, supportive parent I have. He took care of me, treated me with kindness, and has always been there. But my mom hates that, and she complains about him to me constantly, putting me in the middle.
Recently, my life has been going downhill. I was in jail for something stupid, and ever since then everything feels like it’s falling apart. I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, and trying to get my life together, but I feel like I’m drowning emotionally.
A couple days ago, I messaged them saying I wasn’t coming for Thanksgiving because I couldn’t handle another fight with my mom. She said a bunch of things that made me feel guilty and like a horrible daughter, but I stuck to my decision because I seriously have nothing left emotionally right now.
Today is Thanksgiving, and now that it’s actually happening, I feel awful. It’s just the two of them eating at home, and I know my stepdad probably made food expecting me to be there. I know my mom is probably arguing about me not coming. And even though I know going there would’ve ended in another fight, I still feel like trash. I didn’t skip because I wanted to go out or be selfish. I stayed home because I’m mentally done and I couldn’t handle being yelled at again on a day that’s supposed to be peaceful.
NTA. There is no law that states you must put up with mental abuse and anguish from someone that supposedly cares about you. Please pamper yourself today and realize you made the right decision. Maybe in due time your mother will realize that losing someone is not worth trying to control them. You are the better person.
I’d either tell them they need to stop this, or I’d cut them out of my life. Im also spending Thanksgiving alone because my family is toxic.
NTA. This might be a hard day , but you are doing something right for yourself. it’s hard to get used to peaceful holidays when all you have known is arguing. Stop giving your Mom money and take care of your own finances.
NTA. Also, I would recommend calling your stepdad and telling him how much he means to you, and that you genuinely can’t handle any more fights with her. He should know too.
NTA.
But you need to set some serious boundaries with your mother. And be sure to let your stepdad know you are doing this.
The next time you see her, sit her down and tell her that you are no longer going to accept her screaming at you. Tell her if she does this, or starts an argument, you will stop engaging and walk away, or even leave her house, followed with not speaking for 2 weeks.
Then do it.
And, as far as asking for money, it’s “Sorry, I have no money to give you.” If she starts arguing or screaming, again – leave the house. Done.
After a few times of this, she will likely back off.
Or you will have peace in your life.
NTA- this is financial abuse, triangulation, and antagonistic narcissism. Protect your peace.
Give her one shot that she stop doing xyz or you won’t be communicating for a month. Then keep doubling down every violation. Get a therapist
NTA
Its a family day and you feel like you’re doing it wrong?
Is it right of your mom to pick fights with you all the time over inconsequential things?
Is it truly family time if the time is spent being yelled at?
NTA
NTA. I’m staying home to avoid a toxic family member, and I couldn’t be happier about it or more proud of myself for standing my ground and putting my sanity first.
My bf and I had a really good conversation about this last night, a toxic person is a toxic person, family or not, and you shouldn’t force yourself to interact and be “pleasant” just because its the holidays.
Sometimes you have to step away from a toxic relationship. Your dad sounds awesome – your mom not so much. My mom & I fought EVERY SINGLE DAY – until I moved out. Pick & choose the amount of time you spend with her.
NTA Healing is a long road. But you can’t heal if you let your mother abuse you.
NtA it’s ok. I am 66f and had a tough relationship with my mother too. She would get on me about the weirdest things and it was exhausting. I finally took myself to therapy and felt some peace. Real peace. It is good to advocate for yourself and it’s empowering too. You take care of yourself and live the beautiful life you deserve!
You did the right thing. You’re on overwhelm mode, & need the down time. You don’t have to accept your mother’s toxicity.
Can you see your step-dad separately? Meet somewhere for a meal where you can just enjoy his company?
This sounds awful but don’t beat yourself up OP. You did the right thing. DO reach out to your stepdad and express regret for not getting to spend time with him but make sure he knows the REAL reason why. I’m sure your Mom has told him a completely distorted, anti-you version of why you’re not coming. There are some good suggestions on here about how to handle your Mom going forward. Good luck OP and have a PEACEFUL Thanksgiving for once!
NTA. Self preservation. You are learning how to set boundaries for your own well-being. When you have a chance, talk to you step dad, tell him you need a time off from you toxic mum, but keep in touch with him if possible.
Make a list of your main goals. Break them in small achievable goals and just keep going until you have all sorted out. It will take some time, but you can do it.