My friend is studying to become a hairdresser and recently had an important school day where she had to cut and style people’s hair for about 8 hours as part of her training. She wanted me to come and celebrate her after with champagne.
The problem is that I had been feeling really unwell for several days. I had a migraine, pressure in my chest, and very low energy mentally. I told her I wasn’t feeling well enough to meet and needed to rest.
Later that evening I actually felt a bit better, so I called her and suggested we could play a game together instead. She said she was with another friend but could play after a tv show ended (around 9 pm). I waited until about 10:30 pm, but then she texted saying she forgot and was going out instead.
The next day she didn’t respond to me for over 24 hours. I struggle with anxiety and tend to overthink, so I started worrying that something had happened to her or that she was angry with me.
When we finally talked, it turned into an argument. From her perspective it seemed like I didn’t prioritize her because I could still text and play games but didn’t come in person. From my perspective, I was genuinely sick and still tried to show support in another way. I also suggested we could celebrate her or hang out on Saturday instead when I felt better.
Another part of the issue is that in our friendship she calls me almost every day to talk about her problems, and I usually listen and support her. But when I say I’m struggling mentally or physically myself, I don’t really feel like I get the same level of empathy back.
Now she has stopped replying again (which she has done before after conflicts), and I’m wondering if I handled this badly.
AITA?
NTA. But do better. It sounds like your anxiety is not managed very well and you need to address that. I have migraines and I supper from depression and anxiety. If those things are preventing you from doing important things in life, you need to be be more proactive in finding ways to minimize that.
NTA – how exactly were you supposed to support her? Wee you one of her hair models?
I’ve been a hair model for a cosmetology school before and none of the students had anyone “support” them.
NTA. I know it’s an overused phrase, but your friend is the perfect illustration of main character energy. At first, I thought you were going to say she asked if you could come and be one of her hair-cutting models, as this is something people in school for such skills need from time to time, it’s a legit thing. But asking a friend to come to school to “support” you is not a thing, it’s really weird from a student perspective and a huge ask from a friend perspective. Even if you weren’t sick, I’m assuming you have other things you need to do in that 8 hours of time.
She’s giving you the silent treatment now to train you to do as she asks next time. Don’t fall for it. Don’t buy into her position that withdrawal of her attention is the worst punishment imaginable. Go live your life and have fun with other friends. If she’s a good friend, she’ll apologize and try to make amends. If she doesn’t, then you’re still better off.
Ohhh i was a bit inexplicit she didn’t want support during the project she wanted me to come over after and celebrate her with champagne im sorry for not being more clear lol🫣
NTA, you couldn’t pick yourself up enough to go and that’s alright! you took personal time that you’re entitled to, and while i understand that your friend wanted support, they also should realize that when someone’s feeling unwell, the last thing they want to do is sit and watch hair being cut for 8 hours. also, being constantly vented to but not getting the same kind of support when you need it is unfair, your friend needs to realize there’s a balance. i hope you guys can make up and all is well moving forward!
NTA: Your friend appears to be very selfish, you may need to take a step back from this relationship.
I think you had a legit reason for not being available being ill but in the future I’d not try to hang out after saying you were to ill for something. But NTA
This seems like a 1 sided friendship. You are her shoulder to cry on when she needs support or to vent but when you need her support in the same way, it’s not reciprocated. She can’t even understand when you are sick & struggling that some things you just don’t have the energy for but still expects you to be there for her. I’d say, find a better friend but also, get help for your anxiety.
If she is constantly emotion-dumping on you and pouts when you can’t/don’t jump when she snaps her fingers, is she really a friend you want to keep? It sounds like you’re putting a lot more into the relationship than she is.
You sound like a people pleaser and so suffer from extreme anxiety and guilt if you think someone is upset with you. This “friend” senses this and uses it against you. She is a taker but gives nothing back. If you really search yourself you will realize this is a one-sided friendship and all she does is drain you. Please find better friends who actually do care about you. They are out there.
If you are like this due to controlling family upbringing, research narcissistic family trauma, Dr. Ramani and Dr. Wise are on YouTube, videos from Whitney Goodman, etc. Educate yourself to learn you may pick these kinds of “friends” because the dynamics are familiar but totally unhealthy.
all the best
NTA
I am grateful for this comment not that i wanted to hear it but i did grew up with a narcissist father and I didn’t know it was rooted in friendships even. Thank u for taking your time commenting and guiding i ofc take my responsibilities for making her upset as well.
YTA. Reads like you started the argument. Why? Cause you overthought it? Cause you needed to “clear the air”? You can’t on one hand say a friend overly dumps on you, and calls you too much, and then on other freak out and demand a confencerence when they let you be.
What is it do you want from a friend? The dependence or independence? Pick one, stick to it.
NTA. You were ill. But I do think you introduced some confusion by offering to hang out later the same day. Once you bailed — legitimately — you should have just left if and stayed in to rest.