Hey guys always been a reader here but now it’s my turn.
Alright time to crack down on this bear with me. For as long as I can remember my parents have been separated and married to other people. I (21F) and my fiancé (24M) are getting married in February. We aren’t doing anything crazy for our wedding so we decided to just go to the courthouse and use our money on a honeymoon instead.
My fiancé and I were originally not going to have family come because we truly don’t want to “host” we just to enjoy the moment together because it’s our day.
Now I didn’t realize that my dad was really upset about this because in his words he said “I as a father should watch my little girl (btw I’m the youngest daughter of 4 children) walk down the aisle especially since your the first to get married”.
I talked to my partner about it and he said that he’s alright with it but he just doesn’t want to host, which I 100% agree. Which means if my dad is going my mom will too because that’s just too much drama to deal with. But here is the problem….my mom told me “well we don’t have enough money to fly out both of us so i will be going but since your stepdad can’t come then I don’t think your stepmom should come just to make it fair”
Let me give you some context about my parents…
All my life i had to deal with my mom creating drama and not really being the best mom. But when it comes to my stepdad I don’t respect him as a person. He is a bully to my mother and again my mom will always be my mom but you should never ever treat anyone like that. But anyway I’m just going to call him…Todd. Todd throughout my life tries to get on my good side but ever since my mom and him moved across the country he has gotten weird. There’s more but you’re probably thinking it’s not that bad and he’s just saying that because he misses me. One day I was scrolling on TikTok and found him shirtless with a whip one of the sexual ones with the leathery strings on the end in his hand, he was singing happy birthday to I think was his friend. And I realized that he had sexual bdsm toys hanging on the wall in the background.
Reddit I shit you not this is when I found out that my mother and my stepdad are swingers on TIKTOK. Again you do you but it was all public and not only that but he still had a video collage of my sister and I when we were little…
So off topic I can post that story on a different day because it’s just way too long to explain for this one.
Ok so after I talked to my mom I told my dad what my mom said and he said she can fuck off and he’s bringing his wife because she’s been there through thick and thin. Which she has. The problem is, is that if I tell my mom now then I have a feeling she’s going to bring Todd. And I really don’t want to deal with that or if I don’t tell her then it’s just going to cause drama. But i know my mom won’t say anything until she flys back home because she doesn’t have the balls to actually say anything until she’s back home with Todd.
You do not need to share the guest list with your mum. Just say you’re looking forward to seeing her and leave it at that.
If she starts to ask questions about your stepmum, divert. “Oh sorry, GTG, someone is at the door!”
Don’t tell your Mom. Let her attend if she is going to attend. Your Step-Mom should be there and if your mom doesn’t like it, tough. Ugh
Your mother does not have to know who is coming. She doesnt have the right to set your guest list, whether it is 2 people or 200. You can tell her that you invited your father and you dont know whether he will bring his wife and you really have no control over anyine except yourself.
nta, and i agree with those saying not to tell your mom anything. remember that you are an adult, and responsible for your own actions only. don’t try to manage your mom’s feelings; just manage your reaction to them.
The way you’ve described it, you’re saying that your mother and step dad cannot afford two tickets to fly out to the wedding, but that’s very different to you not inviting a step parent. If he’s welcome to attend then your step mother should also be welcomed to attend. Their finances are not your father’s problem, or yours.
NTA. If you don’t want your stepdad there, be firm with it. I wouldn’t lie to mom though and if she’s going to cause problems she can stay home as well. You can also tell her it’s not her business who is going to be there.
Why would you talk about it anymore? Your dad and stepmother are coming. Your mom is coming. Full stop. If you don’t want to host, stop hosting.
If you didn’t want Todd there to begin with, you should’ve told your mother that immediately.
As for what’s happening now, you need to just tell your mother that she is welcome. Todd is not. Your stepmother will be coming. If she makes it an issue, uninvited her. If she shows up with Todd, dont allow them in.
NTA. If your stepdad can’t afford to fly out that’s their problem. It has zero to do with your stepmom or being fair. Enjoy your wedding.
Dont say a word until she gets here. Preserve your sanity and joy.
Soft NTA but you will damage what relationship you have with your stepmom because she will likely feel slighted and it’s probable your dad won’t be happy about it either.
Fair would be you invite your mom and her husband, dad and his wife. If either of their partners can’t attend or choose not to that is their choice and you aren’t excluding anyone. That’s fair, not inviting your step mom because your mother doesn’t want her there if her husband can’t be there is not fair.
NTA, in order to not stress on your wedding day, I’d tell your mom, “I’ve thought about your request that my stepmother not be invited, we’ve decided to invite her, Dad and you. I hope you’ll be okay with that as it doesn’t have to do with fairness, it has to do with who we want included.”
So, just ignore her. She comes, she comes, she doesn’t come, she doesn’t. You won’t exactly be missing her and stepdad. Have a security guard type there if possible and tell mom that if she shows up with Todd or if Todd shows up at all, they’ll be tossed out. And mean it, and do it.
NTA. You invited them all. Stepdad can’t afford to come. That isn’t anyone else’s problem.