Hi everyone, we are a blended family, my husband has a female child who is 10, we have her 50% of the time. We have a child together, another female, she is 2. My sister in law is quite protective of her brother and his 10 year old. I’ve never done anything to make her worry about my ethics or anything. She is however, very bonded to the ten year old which I understand and respect.
Because of this, I’m always cautious around her. And I am super cautious having been from a blended family, as well as currently being in one. However, she bought ten year old a $350 jacket that was apparently on sale and bought our walking, very interactive toddler an exact copy (except way smaller version) of the same stuffed animal she got her last year for Christmas, and another small stuffed animal that was 9.95$ (she left the tag on).
My husband and I both thought it was weird, I give all sibling sets equal monetary gifts and I thought most people would do the same.
My husband gently had a few texts and a phone convo with her about it, however he said some redundant things, and now she is lashing out at me.
Am I the AH here?
ESH
I don’t see why siblings should get equal value gifts when one child is 10 and the other is only 2. I think spending lots of money on a 2-year old is just wasted as they’ll be bored with the toy within days/weeks or they break it, it gets lost etc.
As an example of what I would consider a similar situation: imagine if the kids are a little older and SIL would buy a £500 laptop for the oldest child who is now in the first or second year of secondary school and needs a laptop for homework. The younger child would then still only be in daycare or have made it to the first year of primary school. Should the 4-6 year old get a £500 gift for Christmas or a birthday? Absolutely NOT. It is NOT unfair to treat kids of such a different age differently. I think a 4-6 year old would be totally happy with one or a few gifts totalling £40-50.
The older child got a jacket which I imagine she had asked for or told SIL she wanted? So I imagine it will get lots of wear and possibly for the next one or two years depending on size/how much she grows.
The 10-year old girl’s aunt has ten years of history with her so it’s totally understandable she has a different relationship with this girl than with your 2-year old.
I do think it’s a huge price difference and I would also find it a bit odd as the expensive gift was an item of clothing rather than something that just costs £350: I imagine a £50-100 jacket would have been just as good in quality and style. But I guess at 10 she’s now sensitive to brands and what her peers wear and we all know how that goes.
It does sound like SIL didn’t really put any thought in the gifts for the younger child, so I understand that’s not great. But to totally dismiss the real differences between the two kids is not fair towards your SIL, IMO.
I would not have confronted her at all because in the end, these were gifts and not anything anyone was entitled to. You/your partner could have also done the confrontation in a more sensitive manner where your partner could have planned to tell his sister some time this summer something like: “Are you coming over for Christmas again this year? If so, I’ll let you know of a few gift ideas for our youngest child, in case you are planning on bringing gifts. There’s a bunch of stuff she already has and we just want to prevent ending up with multiples of the same thing. Looking forward to see you!” and then he can send her a list of gift ideas for stuff your kiddo actually might want/need that’s in a price range ranging from £10 up to £30 or so. She can then choose one or two items that your child wants/needs and hopefully she will then get the hint that she should think a little more about what she gets the youngest child. You don’t need to berate someone or question them on why they did what they did in order to send this kind of message.
“It also sounds like SIL didn’t really put any thought in the gifts for the younger child, ”
You don’t really need to put that much thought into a gift for a 2 year old, you give them an empty box and they will be happy.
NTA. I don’t see why your husband dragged you into this, so that now SIL is mad at you. Did he throw you under the bus? SIL doesn’t seem to care as much, giving the same gift again, and your husband should be angry about that too.
Then again, the idea of always giving the same amount in presents is ridiculous. A toddler doesn’t need a 350 dollar gift, unless it’s something like a stroller. Yeah the ten year old doesn’t need it either, but the age difference is big enough that for a few years there are things the older kid will want and even need that simply will cost more money than is realistic to spend in toys for a child that’s much smaller. When the smaller kid gets older, their gifts get more expensive, and at some point the older kid doesn’t get as many gifts anymore since they’re an adult. Do you see how that works? It’s better to think of it as giving the same amount per age, and it evens out during the years.
YTA. The two year old isn’t going to notice. The two year old doesn’t know the difference between an expensive jacket and a stuffed animal. Maybe she will buy the 2 year old an expensive jacket when she is 10. I spent a lot more on my own kids when they got older for Christmas than I did when they were too young to know the difference.
YTA.
your daughter is 2, she won’t remember her toys and chances are she’s gonna drool on them or break them fast enough.
do you buy your daughter expensive toys yourself??
it’s up to SIL what kind of gifts she wants to give to her nieces. if you keep on acting like this, you’ll end up making SIL resents you and it will affect how she treats your daughter.
I don’t buy it that your husband realized that difference of the price. men usually don’t care about those kind of things. so you make your husband texted to his sister to complain about the price difference.
NTA. I have three niblings ranging in age from 5 to 17 and I spend equal amounts on them. I might have $10-15 of wiggle room but I’d never even consider spending hundreds more on one than the other.
NTA or at least you’re not. Your SIL is because of the inequality. A 10 year old has no business owning a $350 jacket. At that age they don’t have the kind of respect they should for clothing and leave jackets, hats, shoes everywhere. What happens when she looses that jacket? The 2 year old knows. My youngest just turned Ed 3 and this passed year she knew Easter, Christmas Halloween, she knew what a birthday party was, she knows all the kids in her class, and she knows when her brother gets better than she does or vice versa. The two year old knows she got another of the same stuffed animal. Now toddler brain might say “it’s stuffy’s sister!!” But she still knows.
I don’t k is enough about what your husband said to judge if he’s TA or not yet. If he straight up said “you need to get 2yo better gifts!” He’d be TA. If he said “hey I’m starting to notice an inequality in treatment between the girls, as they get older they will notice. Let’s find ways to work on that” he’d not be TA.
NTA: It’s not even just the money for me. Like. A toddler might like something less expensive. But it’s the effort. An expensive higher effort gift vs a 30 second quick grab to have something. Like. Even if there was a big cash difference, if she’d gotten the toddler something she’d love, I’d be good. But this wasn’t close at all.
Yep you are TAH. $350 is extreme but the 2 year old doesn’t need much. This will always play out. My step kids mom would get upset one child would get more items than the other but you could shop at the dollar store for one and the other was receiving game systems and video games. They were both her children.
YTA. If the children were close in age and one was not barely a toddler, it would matter.
But the fact of the matter is that you can give a TWO YEAR OLD a stale pancake and a pile of cookie cutters and they’ll be happy as shit. So you’re putting way too adult of expectations onto essentially a baby.
So if it’s about what makes children happy from a two year olds perspective, she “won” because she got TWO presents. In a year you’ll still be able to get her to trade two nickels for a quarter. Maybe even in two years.
So this seems more about you and your own insecurities than the kids.
Edit- and your husband is also an asshole for jumping off this cliff with you.
YTA the 2 y old doesn’t care about the price tags
SIL was only weird for giving the exact same present in a smaller version but not an AH for not spending 350 on a two year old. I have a toddler and they honestly don’t need much. 350 worth of things for a toddler would just be a bunch of stuff I have to soon get rid of.
NTA because while you noticed the discrepancy in costs, you didn’t actually say anything, your husband did. So I have no idea why she is mad at you, unless your husband blamed you.
Ultimately it’s her money to spend as she wishes, but buying a $350 jacket for a 10-year-old is nuts, and as both children belong to your husband, and that’s his sister, I would leave him to deal with it but tell him he cannot throw you under the bus.
I have 5 kids between 2 and 13. I tell everyone to buy something really cheap for the 3 youngest because they really don’t notice and are reaaaaally happy with a 5$ toy