I recently learned that my dad has a lymphoma. Surgery is not recommended since its right in the middle of his spinal column, so paralysis is highly possible. He’s doing chemo sessions, I guess (not sure, we do not communicate after I blocked him couple years ago), info is from my sister.
My parents have been separated since I was a little over 5 years. My dad was supporting us until probably when my sister graduated from college. Our life was hard, my mom was having a really hard time making ends meet and was rarely around due to taking odd jobs anywhere (she didn’t have great spending habits, too.).
We initially lived with aunts until moving on our own very little house. I grew up being jealous with my cousins and siblings and felt like I wasn’t being liked by many(had attitude problems growing up, didn’t want people feeling sorry for me, had nothing but my pride through the roof).
Anyhow, my dad and I started to have some sort of relationship again when I visited him some couple years ago. Cut it off after being so tired sending financial help every couple months when I was struggling myself. He’s still in contact with my sister(whom he sent to college), and this is how I knew of his situation.
I hated my family, but started accepting our situation when things got easier for me. But recently, I’m starting to really hate them all again. My brothers are drug-addicts (one is incarcerated and the other’s living with my mom, jobless). My mom supports them both, I guess. I renovated our little family home expanding it, exhausting all of my savings a couple years ago, which my sister lives in with her kids now. I lived there for some time but moved out because I had a hard time helping with her kids and around the house and doing my job (was high-pressure, especially when I started). I single-handedly rebuilt the home, added furniture and other stuff to make life a bit comfortable there. I’ve been continuously paying for their electricity bill since moving out to help my sister and her family(2 kids in private school, partner’s abroad.) Her partner came home 1-2 months ago and she borrowed some money from me to help with expenses while her partner’s here, or that’s what she told me. Honestly don’t know where it went, given the new gadgets her partner brought home, the laag they went to, etc. I feel like she pent it on their "out of town", treating the partner’s family, bit not sure.
Just this month, she had to borrow another significant amount as repair was needed in the home, and she did not have the money. I offered to pay for it all (not a loan).
So this news of my father being sick, and the possibility of me spending all of my savings for my family’s expense again, doesn’t sit quite right with me. I have been very disciplined when it comes to my finances. I earn quite well and live comfortably now (considering we were very poor). I have a long-term boyfriend, not married, no kids.
Will I be the asshole if I don’t help out my dad now?
NTA.
But you need to realize you are being USED.
You are the family ATM – they do not sound grateful; they sound like they simply expect it all and always ask for more.
Help your dad – or not – as YOU see fit, but stop being a doormat and funding this whole dysfunctional family.
Simply tell them, “sorry, I have paid enough, the money stops now – you all need to figure it out yourselves.” Let brother get a job, mom can also work.