I (F 30) and my best friend (F 33) have been close for years- but we live states apart. Because of this we don’t see each other often, but we’ll fly out to visit when we can afford to.
This year, I wasn’t able to celebrate my birthday on the actual day, so my boyfriend planned and paid for a trip for just the two of us to go to a few theme parks in October. I mentioned this offhand to my bestie, and she got really excited. She said to let her know when we would be going, and she would join us in the park for the day (she lives a few hours away from the parks) I didn’t say anything, because in the moment I was taken aback that she pretty much just invited herself. She and I had talked about having a girls’ trip and going to the parks together just the two of us, so I figured we would go together another time. Nothing more was said about the trip between us.
My boyfriend and I went on the trip, and here is where I’m worried I may have been the asshole. I decided not to tell her when we were going to the parks. My boyfriend and I were excited to spend time together just the two of us, and neither of us wanted to add the plans or decisions of a third person into the mix. We only had one day to spend in each of the parks so we didn’t have a lot of free time. If we did I would have reached out to her to have lunch or to meet up.
After we got home from the trip, I posted about it on my social media and she saw it. She reached out to me and said that she wished I had told her that I was going, and that she was really sad. I responded that I’d always love to see her but we didn’t have time, which is why I didn’t reach out. I said we’d have our own girls trip together in the future. She said that she understood and that it was ok, and she hoped we had fun.
It’s been a month, and she’s been ignoring me. I’ve been sending her things as usual and she just leaves me on read. At first I thought things may just be busy with her job, but now I’m certain she’s upset and giving me the silent treatment. I reached out again recently and tried asking her if everything was ok, and she gave me a fairly curt response. Which in turn has now pissed me off, because if she was upset I would think she would just tell me so we could talk about it. But now I’m second guessing myself and wondering if I’m the asshole in this situation, and she has every right to be upset…
YTA. You should have just told her this was a trip your BF had planned for the two of you, but then in the same breath made a concrete plan to do the same with her in the near future. Not taking to her about it, then posting it on social media so she found out about it that way is a really bad way to go about things. I get that she did kind of invite herself, but perhaps she was working off a previous conversation where you and her had discussed going on this trip and made a bad assumption that she was going. By avoiding a smaller conflict, which would have been to just be upfront about it. you created for yourself a bigger one and hurt your close friend’s feelings.
YTA for not just telling her that it was a couple’s trip right off the bat, which led her to believe you actually wanted to meet up with her.
YTA you should have just told her it was a couples trip and you wouldn’t have time. You refused to communicate with her and now that she’s not communicating with you you’re angry?
Yeah sorry YTA. You deeply hurt her feelings. It would have been easy to communicate beforehand that this was a trip for just you and your BF…
You know I love you but Harry just wanted a couples trip and he’s planned and paid for it but we absolutely need to do a separate trip just us. That was what you should have said at the time.
You gave her the impression you would let her know and just didn’t…
YTA. It’s not ideal, but also not unreasonable for her to make that assumption, people misunderstand things. With all the context you’ve given, I don’t think it’s an asshole assumption. It *is* entirely unreasonable for you to not clarify things at all. You say she’s your best friend but you can’t even talk to her like an adult. You told her she doesn’t matter to you, so seems fair for her to ignore you.
YTA You should have been up front from the beginning. Adding insult to injury, you took your trip and then posted it on social media. What did you expect her to do or say. That’s not how you treat an old friend.
So you’re upset she isn’t just being honest, up front, and direct with you about her feelings….. but you literally did the same thing.
Instead of simply telling her openly and honestly that you and your boyfriend wanted to take a solo trip, you completely brushed her off, and then let her find out about it after the fact on social media. Ouch.
And now you have the nerve to be upset she’s being short with you, and you’re surprised she isn’t just coming clean and talking it out with you openly. But you set that precedent when you failed to talk things out with her before the trip. Of course her feelings got hurt.
Could you have not predicted this would hurt her feelings?? Especially when she knew that you were (1) going to be nearby to her, and (2) had already talked to her about taking a trip to that same theme park together, but then went with your boyfriend and excluded her instead?
You could have simply said something like, “it means so much you’d take the time and make the drive to join us! Boyfriend and I are planning this trip as a romantic couples’ getaway. But I know we’ve talked about going there together, and I’d still really love to plan that with you soon, without the boyfriend tagging along! Let’s look at dates to plan a besties trip!”
That would have been the considerate, kind, and respectful thing to do. But you chickened out. And your actions did all the talking. Of course she’s hurt.
YTA.
YTA for not just telling her you and your bf were gonna do the trip alone. If you can’t communicate little slightly difficult things like that to each other, are you really that good of friends?
You’re pissed because she’s not outright telling you she’s upset with you so you could talk about it, almost like how you didn’t just outright tell her that you wanted to do the park with just your bf.
You not clearly communicating with your friend probably made her feel like you don’t like her which is probably why she’s distancing herself from you.
YTA. Use your words next time instead of just staying quiet.
How good of friend is she if you can’t tell her that the trip is just for you and your boyfriend?
Instead you didn’t tell her at all, and when she finally saw the pictures and asked you lied to her.
YTA use your big girl words next time
YTA. Not for not inviting her, but for not ripping off the bandaid and telling her it was a couples’ trip.
YTA for not communicating directly with her. You were not obligated to invite her, but you should have told her it was a couples trip. You’re 30. Use your words in the future rather than hiding thing and letting her find out later. She’s probably wondering why you didn’t just tell her and why she had to find out the way she did.
Also YTA for being a raging hypocrite – you thought it was fine to not communicate with her, but now you’re upset that she’s doing the same thing to you?