My friend, Friend A, and I made plans to go to a concert 5 months ago. We were going to go together with two of our other friends, Guy B and Girl B. Two months before the concert the date of the concert changed, but I asked everyone if they could still make the new date. They all said yes.
A week before the concert Friend A asked me if it was possible to sell the tickets (I had the tickets). Friend A and Girl B forgot about the concert and they had another friend’s birthday to attend the same day. I was taken aback since we made these plans long ago, and I even double checked with them for the new date. Instead of making a scene, I decided to abide by the request and sold the tickets. After I sold them a week later, Friend A apologized and offered to go do one of my favorite hobbies with me, but I said maybe another time as I wasn’t feeling up for it. Friend A then asked if I was upset and apologized.
After a week of sorting my feelings I explained to Friend A that I was indeed upset for the following reasons:
1) These plans were made 5 months ago, and they still canceled on me
2) They didnt at least offer to help me sell the tickets
3) They didnt apologize right away when it happened
4) They left me to go together with Guy B, who I’m not completely fond of in a solo setting. In a group setting is ok. Friend A knew this
5) I only went to this concert, because I thought all four of us were going, but tbf maybe Friend A didn’t know that.
Friend A explains their pov and said they tried to find a solution so they could go to both the party and the concert, but it was shot down by party host. They also said they were stressed at the time they brought it up to be bc their flight had just been canceled, so they couldn’t think of what would or would not be rude to me. Even so, I was still upset about it because I thought at the very least they could’ve said sorry on the spot, a single word, but they didn’t. I thought that no matter how stressed a person is they could at least apologize even if they didn’t have the time to sell a ticket or find an optimal solution.
AITA? Would I be petty for not forgiving them?
INFO: You said “Friend A explains their pov and said they tried to find a solution so they could go to both the party and the concert, but it was shot down by party host.” How does the host of a party get to dictate whether or not someone goes to a concert? That makes no sense.
I tried to summarize it but basically Friend A tried to suggest to the bday host that they move the party to a lunch thing rather than dinner thing, but I heard the idea was shot down
It kind of feels like your friends are trying to cover their A and making the party host a scapegoat. That said, u/Ill-Reflection165 has a good answer on this whole thing.
NTA as I would also be annoyed – but if these friendships are at all important to you – I think forgiveness might be necessary. If they are casual friends that you will not miss – then step away. They have just told you birthday person is more important than a commitment to you.
NTA it’s an awkward and upsetting situation. I can understand your friend was in a tough spot and had to make a difficult decision but on your end it’s valid to be disappointed and frustrated. I think it also shows priorities and it’s hurtful to realize someone you tought were closer with actually prioritized other people (mostly if the roles were reversed you would have chosen your friend).
Edit: it would be petty to not forgive them as you seem to describe them as apologetic and trying their best. But if it is a pattern and you feel there is a trust that was broken, it’s not petty to set boundaries and avoid making plans with them because you dont trust them upholding them anymore.
EHS. Breaking a commitment sucks. That said, you seem to be agreeing to things that you’re really not OK with and then resenting your friends, when it’s your choices that you are unhappy with.
You could have asked the canceling parties to be responsible for selling their tickets. You still chose to go with Guy B. That’s on you. If you’re willing to throw away friendships over not getting an apology how and when you wanted it, you can, or you could explain that you were hurt by when you received the apology and give them a chance to make it right. If nothing they could say will make it better, don’t bother. You’ve already made your decision.
NTA. I’m baffled why a flight cancellation (that doesn’t seem to be connected to the concert or the party) would cause someone to forget their manners like this. Which invitation to which event did they agree to first? THAT should have been the controlling factor. If the party invite was first, they *should* have backed out when the concert date was changed to conflict with the party. If their concert plans were made first, they should have declined the party invite.
It sounds to me like they aren’t close friends. You’re justified in being upset because they were rude. (Also why isn’t the BF going to the party with his GF?) I’d go on with my life without them in it.
ESH. Not forgiving someone is kind of a big deal, especially when they are apologising. If this is new behaviour for them, accept their apology, explain the impact it had on you, and give them another chance. Withholding forgiveness when someone has apologised is sure to upset the friend.
What they did sucks. I’m not taking that away from you. But you did abide by their request and sell the tickets, so you can’t expect them to apologise on the spot. They probably didn’t know you were upset.
You’ve explained your side, they’ve explained theirs. Forgive them. Resume the friendship or don’t, but don’t hold resentment if they are generally a good friend.
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>Would I be petty for not forgiving them?
Absolutely YTA – this really isn’t that big a deal.
As to your five points:
“These plans were made 5 months ago, and they still canceled on me”
The concert was rescheduled two months ago, but yes agree not great on their part.
“They didnt at least offer to help me sell the tickets”
Did you ask them to? Presumably they had already paid you for the tickets.
“They didnt apologize right away when it happened”
Not great from them but they did later apologise and suggest doing something to make amends.
“They left me to go together with Guy B, who I’m not completely fond of in a solo setting. In a group setting is ok. Friend A knew this”
Hard to judge without you specifying why you aren’t completely fond of them, but agreeing to go to a concert with someone you don’t like whether solo or in a group is on you.
“I only went to this concert, because I thought all four of us were going, but tbf maybe Friend A didn’t know that.”
Well you said you don’t like Guy B so really it was just because Friend A and Girl B were going. I’m presuming you mean you aren’t that into the band. Agreeing to go to a band you aren’t that into is also on you.
Yta. Plans change things come up. Your not out any money and you still could have gone if you wanted to.
NTA.. its crystal clear they knew what they were doing but decided the party host was more important. OP, at least you know where you stand in these peoples lives. Move forward accordingly.
INFO: what does not forgiving them accomplish exactly?