I (27F) have been in a discord channel for years. This channel consists mostly of my co-ed frat friends from college, along with some friends of friends, but we’ve all become friends over the years. There are a lot of us in there, but I would say there are about 10 of us that are online at least a few times a week to game, usually more.
I decided I wanted to plan a trip to France with some of these friends. Initially, I only wanted a group of 4 (myself included). Here’s my reasoning:
* It’s easier to plan with fewer people-finding a date that works for everyone and making sure everyone gets to pick a city in france they want to go
* I wanted 1 AirBnb that we could all stay in together, not multiple
* Eating out at restaurants is the main reason I travel, and it’s a lot easier to find accommodations for 4 people then larger groups
* I just prefer smaller groups. I find it’s easier to have conversations in comparison to large groups
After talking to the people I wanted to invite, we ended up expanding the group to 6 people because we were worried about hurting certain people we didn’t initially invite. To me, this was the absolute max number. We could still find 1 AirBnb for all of us and probably restaurant seating, although both would be more difficult.
Now here’s the issue. These 6 people all frequent the discord, and we’re all starting to worry about hurting the feelings of the 4 we didn’t invite. To be honest, I am less close with these 4 and would not really want to travel with them. I hang out with them in the context of the friend group, but we’ve never been closer than that. I feel like in most big friend groups, there’s always people you just vibe with less. My friends have started suggesting we expand the invite. Here’s what they propose:
We invite everyone, and then randomly split the group in 2 for sleeping arrangements. Every day, we randomize who is eating with who. They think this is the fairest way to do it.
I am very against this. With this arrangement, I could end up spending most of my vacation with the 4 I am not very close to and not the people I actually want to spend time with. Maybe it makes me an exclusionary asshole, but if I’m spending 3k+ and all my PTO on a vacation, I want to enjoy it as much as possible with people I want to be around.
My friends are on the fence. They agree that smaller groups are better for a lot of the reasons I listed, but they really don’t want to hurt these people. I don’t either, but I’m not sure what to do.
So, AITA? Any advice on how to navigate this situation?
I think you can compromise, if you really want to go on the trip. Otherwise just cancel.
Why should OP compromise so she can spend significant time and money to hang out with people she doesn’t really know that well on the trip she is organizing. “Compromise” isn’t automatically fair. This is silly.
Not everything needs to involve everyone.
NTA; you’re not a travel agency. If someone else wants to take over and arrange a trip for everyone else in the group, let them.
NTA. you put in the time to plan this trip, you get to decide the guest list. If they want an all-inclusive group vacation where nobody gets left out, they can organize that themselves and you’ll show up. this one is yours
It’s not really an AITA kind of question.
If this was me: I always err on the side of being inclusionary. Usually people don’t have the funds/time to go on major trips like that – so maybe they won’t attend anyways.
Excluding people can create life long rifts in friend groups and you can believe it’ll be pinned on you. It’s drama. And what is your defense apart from you just don’t like those 4 (unless you have tangible stories about them ruining vacations)
My advice is, let them come (or at least let them be invited). if they ruin the trip you’ll never have to have this argument again. Next time you’ll have strong reasons for excluding them and your other friends will agree.
They can go to Paris. They can buy plane tickets and rent a hotel room. You can’t stop them from showing up if they really want to. Think about it that way.
NTA, but it sounds like you have different expectations than the rest of the group. Going from 4 to 10 People is a completely different vacantion. 10 is fine if you go camping and cook yourself most evenings. But switching the sleeping and eating arrangements every day will make sure there is resentment in the group.
Try to write out exactly why you don’t feel good about this and stress why you wanted to go with 4 people in the first place. Either they understand and you travel with 6 people or they don’t and you will have to choose whether you will go with of not.
If people really don’t understand, are they really the people you want to be travelling with? If they don’t respect your concerns before the trip, they probably won’t on the trip.
NAH. This feels like a “friend group vs individual friendships” conflict.
In big shared spaces (like a Discord), invitations get interpreted as ranking people even if the intent is just “I want a smaller trip with people I’m closest to.” The others are trying to preserve group harmony, while you, OP, are planning a relationship-based vacation with *friends* rather than just a group of friendly people.
I don’t think anyone here is really wrong, but a $3k international trip probably shouldn’t be treated like a full-group event. Plus, not every hangout has to include everyone, and forcing random pairings just to make it equal kind of defeats the purpose of traveling together.
So based on what you’re saying here OP, I think this post on social fallacies might be relevant: [https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/](https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/)
Ignore the geek part if it doesn’t resonate, but the rest of this sounds like it’s informing your groups thinking. It is completely OK to only want to travel with people you’re close to. “Travel buddy” is a certain kind of relationship. Not everything needs to be available to every person. And that’s not “exclusionary.” NTA
You’re organizing the trip. You’re allowed to set the terms that will actually make it enjoyable for you.
Invite who you want. Once the plans are set, you can tell the other four the specifics. If one of the four of them want to put together a tandem trip to the same cities on the same dates that is on them. You can offer to meet up for some excursions or meals but the brunt of the planning and logistics is not on you.
So, I’m 38 and most of my friends are older than me. I’m a very social person.
A few months ago a friend invited me on a trip and I asked if we could extend the invite to another friend of mine.
She was honest with me and told me she actually wasn’t a fan of her and didn’t want her to come.
I said “cool” and we carried on like adults.
There’s nothing wrong with being honest, and there is always a tactful way to make someone not feel as excluded. In my case, I told my friend the air bnb was full and she was also cool with it.
That being said, we are a low drama friend group. Could be cuz we are older.
No, this sounds like a no-fun way to travel. Cancel the original invitation, explain that you really want to keep travel companions to a minimum and that the logistics and payment issues (one person pays, the others reimburse) are just not what you want to deal with. NTA
Nothing is stopping the others to plan their own trip and do it their way.
Be sure you do not take on the responsibility of paying for anyone else’s trip. Friends of friends may not be reliable and you end up losing money.