My mom (48) asked me if I (19F) wanted to invite any of my friends to come with our family on a day trip this week. I told her that I’d rather not, and she began making comments about how I never see my friends anymore, how I never invite them anywhere, am a bad friend, etc. I explained that I do in fact see them often, but I don’t like to invite them to be near my family any more due to past experiences.
My family is very dysfunctional and tends to yell at each other a lot. My mom also makes a lot of comments about my friends that make them very uncomfortable, including comments on their bodies. After hearing from several friends that they were uncomfortable around my family, I decided to see them separately from each other.
After explaining this to my mom, she told me that I was a horrible person and was trying to isolate her from our community. I said that my friends are teenagers and that she has plenty of adult friends to spend time with, and she said that I was trying to cut her off from social interaction and punish her for saying what she believes.
Is this a problem on my part? Should I still attempt to invite my friends to our family day trip?
NTA. Your mom sounds like a creep. Why is a grown woman so desperate to hang out with teenagers? She’s a weirdo
NTA. You’re being a good friend by not inviting them. I’m sorry your mom/family is like that, I know how frustrating it can be.
NTA. You were honest. Your Mum sounds pretty immature. I’d clearly state “No one is being mean to you or punishing you. My friends do not want to be around you. This is the consequence of your actions.” I think it’s weird she wants to hang out with your friends and refers to teenagers as her “community”.
NTA. I feel bad for your mom because she is clearly lonely, but that is not your issue and her claim that being unable to hang out with teenagers cuts her off from social interaction is WILD.
NTA
you are right to protect your friends from your mom.
But: Why are YOU still doing vacations with that kind of family?
I’m in college and spend breaks at home. I’m saving up for an apartment in the city of my university
NTA. Sometimes, it’s better just to avoid problems all together. If your family can’t treat them with respect, I wouldn’t let them around them.
NTA, she sounds a creep and an asshole who loves to act like she never does anything wrong, it’s her own responsibility to make sure she’s not “cut off” socially, that’s not down to you
NTA. No problem on your part. Why would you still attempt to do something you don’t want to do? If you cared about your mom’s feelings you would’ve brought these issues up in a less dynamic way.
I was going to say, why do you have to ask this? But I think that maybe being raised by your mother has caused you to internalize ideas that are way outside the normal range. So, point by point:
Most kids/young adults hang out with their friends separately from their families anyway, by default. Mom’s fixation on your friends’ spending time with her is weird to begin with.
Your friends (who, if they’re the same age as you, are adults) have told you that they do not wish to spend time with your family. So it’s factually incorrect for your mom to blame you if they don’t come around.
It’s quite reasonable of you to state that since she has her own friends, it’s not critically important that she spend time with yours.
A person can “say what \[they\] believe” all they want, but if what they believe is stuff that makes other people uncomfortable, and they choose not to make any effort to censor themselves, then they can’t be surprised when other people choose to be around them as little as possible.
NTA
NTA your mom sounds exhausting lol
You’re protecting your friends from uncomfortable situations which is actually being a good friend. Also “isolating her from the community” is wild, they’re YOUR friends not hers
So your Mom said you were “to cut her off from social interaction and punish her for saying what she believes”. This is the response: *No, Mom. People don’t want to be around you if you keep saying “what you believe”. They have made that choice, as a direct consequence of how you “socially interacted” with them. I can’t make people want to interact with you; I don’t have that power. If you want to spend time with people, I recommend you change the way you treat them*.
My MIL was getting pretty crotchety as she aged, and at one point said something pretty rude to me. When I called her out on it, she said “I’m old enough to say what I want, and that’s what I choose to do.” To which I responded, “Yes, you are. But then don’t be surprised if people don’t want to talk to you anymore – because they have a choice, too.” NTA.
NTA, but I’d just “call” your friend and make an excuse for them not able to come that day. “I would, but __ can’t,” would’ve probably been a better response just to avoid the drama.
NTA. If you are a good friend, you don’t put your friends in bad situations where they won’t be comfortable. If several people have told you they did not enjoy spending time with your family, that is reason enough to make a decision to see your friends separately.
It’s not your job to provide people to entertain your mother or give her a social life. She doesn’t have a right to have access to your friends. She is acting like this is a punishment you are doling out, but it’s not a punishment – it’s a consequence of having a dysfunctional family and her own behavior and inappropriate comments. You are not punishing her, you are protecting your friends. This is not your problem to solve…stick with your decision. She can be mad if she wants.